Too many red flags?

I [20F] started seeing a guy [19M] a few weeks ago. We met because he was working at a store I went into and thought he was cute so I left my number. Turns out we hit off pretty well.

After texting a little we decide to hang out for the first time. We plan for him to come over around 6 and we go for coffee. He arrives just after, we get in his car and he tells me he has to leave around 7 because something came up for his sister's birthday and he has to meet them at the movies; this gave us about 40 minutes to actually hang out. It sucked, but I thought, it's family. Plus the drive to my place is about 40 minutes from his so I thought it was sweet that he still drove out instead of cancelling.

We hang out again a couple days later. Right around the time he should've started heading over he says he's going to arrive late because he has to help his friend move. Alright. Arrives an hour or two late. We hang out and have a great time. Chat about hobbies and I mention I really want to go to Fright Fest because I've never been. He has season passes. We decide we're gonna go but don't plan a specific day yet.

Next time we plan to hang out I get a horrendous flu right before, I tell him I'm sick but he's still welcome to come over. He heads over later during the evening because he was doing something with a friend. I'm so sick I fall asleep a little while after he gets there, we just cuddle and watch netflix, he tucks me in and leaves. Very sweet. Says he'll head over again tomorrow morning because I have the day off. So he does, and it was nice and I really like him. We even went out for sushi. We decide this weekend we're going to Fright Fest.

Next time he's supposed to come over he cancels because he has to comfort a friend who got dumped. Kind of starting to suck but I don't want to say anything because he's just being a good friend.

Come the weekend, I haven't heard from him in a couple of days so I text him on Friday asking "this weekend still happening?" He replies and says "I can hang out this weekend but only for a little I'm really busy." I'm like...??? Says he has to go to his mom's birthday party on Saturday (which I guess was planned last minute?) And has to cover for his boss on Sunday. I'm pretty disappointed but once again don't say anything because it's family. He suggests we go out and catch a movie on Saturday night and he can spend the night. Once I move past the disappointment I start really looking forward to Saturday.

Saturday night he texts to say he's on his way, and I ask if he wants me to get tickets online in advance. Says "I can hang tonight but only for a little bit we can do the movie tomorrow." At this point I tell him I'm not down to constantly reschedule or change our plans every time we make them, and that I understand he's busy but if I'm going to be treated like the lowest priority in his life I don't think it's fair on me. I have a life and can't just constantly change my schedule at the last minute because he decides to change his plans. He says I'm right and he's sorry and it's not going to happen anymore. We have a long talk and I decide to give him another shot. We decide we'll see the movie on Sunday.

Next day comes and we go see the movie and have a really nice evening. Later that night he asks me out of the blue if I want to be his girlfriend. I'm really taken aback as it's only been a few weeks and I don't really feel ready for that label yet. It's been a long time since I've felt ready for a relationship. I tell him I need some time to think about it and he says that's fine, take all the time I need.

Fast forward to Wednesday night (yesterday), we've had plans for a few days for him to head over at 8 and spend the night. He texts just after 8 and says he'll be running late because his friend needs a lift home from work. A while after 9 he tells me his car broke down on the highway. That sucks and I get it's not his fault, but still felt annoyed that he was going to be late again anyway.

Suddenly he says "I need to talk to you next time I see you." I ask if he's changed his mind to which he says yes, he shouldn't have asked me to be his girlfriend because he's not ready for a serious relationship. Because of some miscommunication it turned into a bit of an argument but later he came over to talk in person and we both agreed we would keep things the way they are now until a later time when we know each other better and feel ready. Everything seems fine between us, we do the deed, we cuddle. Out of the blue he says "I love you, a little."

I have no idea what to say. I just say something like "wait... did you mean that?" And he says "well, a little. I'm still getting there but I'm falling for you hard" or something along those lines. I'm pretty floored by this. Earlier THE SAME NIGHT he said he wasn't ready for anything serious. Now he loves me? I don't say it back.

He has today off so we decide we'll spend the morning together, I'll go to my classes later and he'll go home and shower and such and then come back in the evening to hang out. Throughout the morning 3 things happened that made me feel awful. First I said something about feeling like I'm not good at being on top and he's quiet. I ask if he agrees and he says "well it's not bad but it's not good."

Later I make us both coffee with my mocha pot in the dorm kitchens. We're drinking it in my room and I ask if it's okay. He says "yeah it's okay." Being annoying and insecure I ask, "just okay?" And he says "well it's not the best coffee ever but it's okay." I was really hurt by this. Okay, it doesn't have to be the best coffee ever. But I made it for you and it seems like you'd say thank you and feel happy that I made you coffee, rather than saying something like that.

Later I'm practicing some piano shortly before I have to head to my lesson, while he's kinda getting ready to leave. Now, I'm a music major; piano is pretty much what I'm doing with my life right now. I play some of my stuff for him and he doesn't compliment anything or really comment at all. At some point I'd say "did you like it?" Or "what did you think?" And he'd be like "yeah" or "pretty good." Then he opens youtube on his phone to show me the songs he's currently learning on piano that are obscenely fast and difficult bits from various anime and such. He won't play in front of me though, he'll only show me other people playing the songs. Goes on about how ALL the stuff he learns is really difficult and jumpy and fast. He doesn't take lessons or study, it's a self-taught hobby for him. It hurt my feelings and felt like he was just thoroughly unimpressed with everything I do. So he leaves, I go about my day. At some point I text him and explain that he hurt my feelings and he says he's sorry and that he "thinks I'm amazing" and I should "never feel like I'm not good enough." Alright.

So around 6 he says he is, indeed, on his way. I'm kind of shocked at this point that he's heading over on time. He gets here and steps out of his car with beautiful flowers. I ask if we were heading out straight away because I thought that was the plan, and he says not yet because he needs to just wait here for a bit and then go run some quick errands and pick me up again before we can go out. He "literally couldn't say no" because it was for his dad who fixed his car when it broke down.

I ask if I can just go with and he says he'd rather I don't because it's illegal. Okay...? I ask why and he says he's going to pick up a lot of weed and deliver it. For his dad? At this point I'm not just questioning this whole situation, but I'm also beyond upset that he's doing this again. I'm now waiting around in my room and he went to do what he said would be "an hour or less" and then texted me it'll be around 2 hours. I don't even know what to feel or do. I don't care about the flowers. I tossed them on my floor. It feels like a weak attempt to excuse what he keeps on doing every single time.

Are these way too many red flags, or am I making it worse than it really is? I feel like I'm being an idiot by ignoring all the bad signs because I really, really like him. What should I do?

Submitted October 10, 2019 at 11:42PM

I [20F] started seeing a guy [19M] a few weeks ago. We met because he was working at a store I went into and thought he was cute so I left my number. Turns out we hit off pretty well.After texting a little we decide to hang out for the first time. We plan for him to come over around 6 and we go for coffee. He arrives just after, we get in his car and he tells me he has to leave around 7 because something came up for his sister's birthday and he has to meet them at the movies; this gave us about 40 minutes to actually hang out. It sucked, but I thought, it's family. Plus the drive to my place is about 40 minutes from his so I thought it was sweet that he still drove out instead of cancelling.We hang out again a couple days later. Right around the time he should've started heading over he says he's going to arrive late because he has to help his friend move. Alright. Arrives an hour or two late. We hang out and have a great time. Chat about hobbies and I mention I really want to go to Fright Fest because I've never been. He has season passes. We decide we're gonna go but don't plan a specific day yet.Next time we plan to hang out I get a horrendous flu right before, I tell him I'm sick but he's still welcome to come over. He heads over later during the evening because he was doing something with a friend. I'm so sick I fall asleep a little while after he gets there, we just cuddle and watch netflix, he tucks me in and leaves. Very sweet. Says he'll head over again tomorrow morning because I have the day off. So he does, and it was nice and I really like him. We even went out for sushi. We decide this weekend we're going to Fright Fest.Next time he's supposed to come over he cancels because he has to comfort a friend who got dumped. Kind of starting to suck but I don't want to say anything because he's just being a good friend.Come the weekend, I haven't heard from him in a couple of days so I text him on Friday asking "this weekend still happening?" He replies and says "I can hang out this weekend but only for a little I'm really busy." I'm like...??? Says he has to go to his mom's birthday party on Saturday (which I guess was planned last minute?) And has to cover for his boss on Sunday. I'm pretty disappointed but once again don't say anything because it's family. He suggests we go out and catch a movie on Saturday night and he can spend the night. Once I move past the disappointment I start really looking forward to Saturday.Saturday night he texts to say he's on his way, and I ask if he wants me to get tickets online in advance. Says "I can hang tonight but only for a little bit we can do the movie tomorrow." At this point I tell him I'm not down to constantly reschedule or change our plans every time we make them, and that I understand he's busy but if I'm going to be treated like the lowest priority in his life I don't think it's fair on me. I have a life and can't just constantly change my schedule at the last minute because he decides to change his plans. He says I'm right and he's sorry and it's not going to happen anymore. We have a long talk and I decide to give him another shot. We decide we'll see the movie on Sunday.Next day comes and we go see the movie and have a really nice evening. Later that night he asks me out of the blue if I want to be his girlfriend. I'm really taken aback as it's only been a few weeks and I don't really feel ready for that label yet. It's been a long time since I've felt ready for a relationship. I tell him I need some time to think about it and he says that's fine, take all the time I need.Fast forward to Wednesday night (yesterday), we've had plans for a few days for him to head over at 8 and spend the night. He texts just after 8 and says he'll be running late because his friend needs a lift home from work. A while after 9 he tells me his car broke down on the highway. That sucks and I get it's not his fault, but still felt annoyed that he was going to be late again anyway.Suddenly he says "I need to talk to you next time I see you." I ask if he's changed his mind to which he says yes, he shouldn't have asked me to be his girlfriend because he's not ready for a serious relationship. Because of some miscommunication it turned into a bit of an argument but later he came over to talk in person and we both agreed we would keep things the way they are now until a later time when we know each other better and feel ready. Everything seems fine between us, we do the deed, we cuddle. Out of the blue he says "I love you, a little."I have no idea what to say. I just say something like "wait... did you mean that?" And he says "well, a little. I'm still getting there but I'm falling for you hard" or something along those lines. I'm pretty floored by this. Earlier THE SAME NIGHT he said he wasn't ready for anything serious. Now he loves me? I don't say it back.He has today off so we decide we'll spend the morning together, I'll go to my classes later and he'll go home and shower and such and then come back in the evening to hang out. Throughout the morning 3 things happened that made me feel awful. First I said something about feeling like I'm not good at being on top and he's quiet. I ask if he agrees and he says "well it's not bad but it's not good."Later I make us both coffee with my mocha pot in the dorm kitchens. We're drinking it in my room and I ask if it's okay. He says "yeah it's okay." Being annoying and insecure I ask, "just okay?" And he says "well it's not the best coffee ever but it's okay." I was really hurt by this. Okay, it doesn't have to be the best coffee ever. But I made it for you and it seems like you'd say thank you and feel happy that I made you coffee, rather than saying something like that.Later I'm practicing some piano shortly before I have to head to my lesson, while he's kinda getting ready to leave. Now, I'm a music major; piano is pretty much what I'm doing with my life right now. I play some of my stuff for him and he doesn't compliment anything or really comment at all. At some point I'd say "did you like it?" Or "what did you think?" And he'd be like "yeah" or "pretty good." Then he opens youtube on his phone to show me the songs he's currently learning on piano that are obscenely fast and difficult bits from various anime and such. He won't play in front of me though, he'll only show me other people playing the songs. Goes on about how ALL the stuff he learns is really difficult and jumpy and fast. He doesn't take lessons or study, it's a self-taught hobby for him. It hurt my feelings and felt like he was just thoroughly unimpressed with everything I do. So he leaves, I go about my day. At some point I text him and explain that he hurt my feelings and he says he's sorry and that he "thinks I'm amazing" and I should "never feel like I'm not good enough." Alright.So around 6 he says he is, indeed, on his way. I'm kind of shocked at this point that he's heading over on time. He gets here and steps out of his car with beautiful flowers. I ask if we were heading out straight away because I thought that was the plan, and he says not yet because he needs to just wait here for a bit and then go run some quick errands and pick me up again before we can go out. He "literally couldn't say no" because it was for his dad who fixed his car when it broke down.I ask if I can just go with and he says he'd rather I don't because it's illegal. Okay...? I ask why and he says he's going to pick up a lot of weed and deliver it. For his dad? At this point I'm not just questioning this whole situation, but I'm also beyond upset that he's doing this again. I'm now waiting around in my room and he went to do what he said would be "an hour or less" and then texted me it'll be around 2 hours. I don't even know what to feel or do. I don't care about the flowers. I tossed them on my floor. It feels like a weak attempt to excuse what he keeps on doing every single time.Are these way too many red flags, or am I making it worse than it really is? I feel like I'm being an idiot by ignoring all the bad signs because I really, really like him. What should I do?