My (M27) significant other (F27) of 6 years cheated on me but came clean and wants to make it work

My girlfriend and I met about six years ago while I was starting my career and she was in graduate school. Our relationship was great. Major milestones included moving in together and later moving across the country together to a new city where she began her career. About a year ago I decided that I was ready to head back to school myself. I did the application rigmarole and this past spring ended up accepting an offer at a school on the opposite coast. This led to some major relationship questioning for both of us. She had a great job in our previous home city and a large friend network. I loved our life there too but was ready for a change. After contemplating between doing long distance, a break, or moving together we ultimately decided to do the latter. We arrived here about two months ago. I've started school and she recently started a job in her field.

About two weeks ago she confessed that she had had an emotional and physical affair lasting about three months over the past spring/summer. She apparently ended it about a month or so before our move when she decided she would rather be with me. Based on our conversations, the driver for the cheating was our lack of communication during the life change/grad school consideration process. To be honest, I did not want to take her opinion into consideration and was going to move here and go to grad school with or without her. I wanted her to come with me but I only wanted it if she wanted it too. This combination led to me never actually saying I wanted her to come with, but rather, just asking what she (not we) was going to do. I was afraid to carry the responsibility of her being unhappy out here if she didn't like it, so I let her decide her own future. In reality, I made her decide if she wanted to stay in this relationship while I took the easy route out of the decision making process by committing to moving away (side note: I'm terrible at confrontation/break ups so that's a typical move on my part).

Here are my three current thoughts:

• Her quitting her job and uprooting her life to be with me means a lot. I feel that she is engaged and committed to making things work.
  
• Continuing the relationship is the simpler move. We've both won over each other's families and friends and are generally a great match. We've grown up together and our lives are very interwoven. I have no idea what my life without her will look like.
• Separating now will make my financial situation harder - I'll have to cover all of our currently shared car/apartment costs on a meager grad school stipend. I leased an apartment and car in the midst of her affair... Had the timing been different/had I found out about the affair before we moved here, I don't imagine we'd be together right now.

I cheated once when I was a dumb college kid so I understand how these things can happen. In my case, I ended up being caught red handed so I respect my partner for taking the high road and confessing. I changed after I cheated so I know it's not a permanent character flaw (i.e., I'm not one of those once a cheater always a cheater types). On the other hand, I know the road to forgiveness is long and I'm just not sure if it's worth it. Perhaps cutting things now and fully committing to my new life out here is the right move. I know I'll be sad for a good bit regardless of which path I take, just looking for a bit of advice from some anonymous internet friends.

Tldr: Girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me before a big life change but came clean after we made the change together. I'm unsure how I want to proceed from here.

Submitted October 13, 2019 at 11:38PM

My girlfriend and I met about six years ago while I was starting my career and she was in graduate school. Our relationship was great. Major milestones included moving in together and later moving across the country together to a new city where she began her career. About a year ago I decided that I was ready to head back to school myself. I did the application rigmarole and this past spring ended up accepting an offer at a school on the opposite coast. This led to some major relationship questioning for both of us. She had a great job in our previous home city and a large friend network. I loved our life there too but was ready for a change. After contemplating between doing long distance, a break, or moving together we ultimately decided to do the latter. We arrived here about two months ago. I've started school and she recently started a job in her field.About two weeks ago she confessed that she had had an emotional and physical affair lasting about three months over the past spring/summer. She apparently ended it about a month or so before our move when she decided she would rather be with me. Based on our conversations, the driver for the cheating was our lack of communication during the life change/grad school consideration process. To be honest, I did not want to take her opinion into consideration and was going to move here and go to grad school with or without her. I wanted her to come with me but I only wanted it if she wanted it too. This combination led to me never actually saying I wanted her to come with, but rather, just asking what she (not we) was going to do. I was afraid to carry the responsibility of her being unhappy out here if she didn't like it, so I let her decide her own future. In reality, I made her decide if she wanted to stay in this relationship while I took the easy route out of the decision making process by committing to moving away (side note: I'm terrible at confrontation/break ups so that's a typical move on my part).Here are my three current thoughts:Her quitting her job and uprooting her life to be with me means a lot. I feel that she is engaged and committed to making things work.Continuing the relationship is the simpler move. We've both won over each other's families and friends and are generally a great match. We've grown up together and our lives are very interwoven. I have no idea what my life without her will look like.Separating now will make my financial situation harder - I'll have to cover all of our currently shared car/apartment costs on a meager grad school stipend. I leased an apartment and car in the midst of her affair... Had the timing been different/had I found out about the affair before we moved here, I don't imagine we'd be together right now.I cheated once when I was a dumb college kid so I understand how these things can happen. In my case, I ended up being caught red handed so I respect my partner for taking the high road and confessing. I changed after I cheated so I know it's not a permanent character flaw (i.e., I'm not one of those once a cheater always a cheater types). On the other hand, I know the road to forgiveness is long and I'm just not sure if it's worth it. Perhaps cutting things now and fully committing to my new life out here is the right move. I know I'll be sad for a good bit regardless of which path I take, just looking for a bit of advice from some anonymous internet friends.Tldr: Girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me before a big life change but came clean after we made the change together. I'm unsure how I want to proceed from here.