I [30M] feel like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and I don't know what to do about it.

This is a throwaway. You can call me John.

I am single, and have been for a long time. No sex, no dates, and no relationships in the last seven years or so. However, I went to my parents' home country last year and met a distant relative (3rd cousin or something) Pam and we hit it off very, very well right off the bat. She [30F] and I saw a lot of things the same way and found the other person interesting and attractive.

We started snapchatting and video calling and last month she told me she really wished we could be together. My first reaction was happiness, but immediately I considered potential issues. First, while she and I are distantly related that no law on earth would actually have an issue with us being in a relationship, our conservative families would certainly care and reject it, and we both sincerely care about remaining good with our family. Second, she and I live in different hemispheres and timezones and neither one of us is looking like we will be able to move or emigrate to the other country.

These reasons are enough to make me tell her in the same conversation that while I feel affection for her as well, I don't think we can be together for these same reasons but that who knows, maybe in ten years, if we are both still single we should make a serious effort to change that. This did not seem to phase her and she increased her contact with me.

About ten days into this, she asks me why I am not being as affectionate as she. She is constantly texting me asking me to reply to her messages and she is really laying on how much she loves me and wants to be with me.

So two weeks ago she finally is like "don't you want to be my boyfriend? Aren't we together?" and I again, lay it out to her, explaining that no, we aren't together and that I meant what I said when I said I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

Shes pretty distraught. She starts calling me over and over, drunk texting me, and asking me "do you love me?" every couple of days.

I work remotely and so I am frequently busy on weekends, but she blows up my phone if I leave her on read, even though I have explained to her that I don't have time to be replying to everything she says or does.

Finally, I gently asked her to consider that she might have a codependent personality and that it wasn't healthy for her to be begging me to tell her that I love her and care about her every single time she is feeling bad, especially since she told me that she decided to stop taking antidepressants. She says that because I have asked her to be open with me as I am with her, she feels fine asking me to reinforce her self-esteem, but I just feel like I am making it worse for her, especially if this is a substitute for her forming other relationships of any kind with others. I really care about Pam, I just don't know if I can be who she wants me to be in good conscience. And yes, that makes me an asshole, I know.

[TL:DR] I know I am not her therapist, so it isn't my place to diagnose her, but I have some limited experience with this and all in all, I feel so much anxiety at being put in a position where I am enabling someone's obsessive, controlling, and manipulative impulses.

Submitted October 13, 2019 at 11:36PM

This is a throwaway. You can call me John.I am single, and have been for a long time. No sex, no dates, and no relationships in the last seven years or so. However, I went to my parents' home country last year and met a distant relative (3rd cousin or something) Pam and we hit it off very, very well right off the bat. She [30F] and I saw a lot of things the same way and found the other person interesting and attractive.We started snapchatting and video calling and last month she told me she really wished we could be together. My first reaction was happiness, but immediately I considered potential issues. First, while she and I are distantly related that no law on earth would actually have an issue with us being in a relationship, our conservative families would certainly care and reject it, and we both sincerely care about remaining good with our family. Second, she and I live in different hemispheres and timezones and neither one of us is looking like we will be able to move or emigrate to the other country.These reasons are enough to make me tell her in the same conversation that while I feel affection for her as well, I don't think we can be together for these same reasons but that who knows, maybe in ten years, if we are both still single we should make a serious effort to change that. This did not seem to phase her and she increased her contact with me.About ten days into this, she asks me why I am not being as affectionate as she. She is constantly texting me asking me to reply to her messages and she is really laying on how much she loves me and wants to be with me.So two weeks ago she finally is like "don't you want to be my boyfriend? Aren't we together?" and I again, lay it out to her, explaining that no, we aren't together and that I meant what I said when I said I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship.Shes pretty distraught. She starts calling me over and over, drunk texting me, and asking me "do you love me?" every couple of days.I work remotely and so I am frequently busy on weekends, but she blows up my phone if I leave her on read, even though I have explained to her that I don't have time to be replying to everything she says or does.Finally, I gently asked her to consider that she might have a codependent personality and that it wasn't healthy for her to be begging me to tell her that I love her and care about her every single time she is feeling bad, especially since she told me that she decided to stop taking antidepressants. She says that because I have asked her to be open with me as I am with her, she feels fine asking me to reinforce her self-esteem, but I just feel like I am making it worse for her, especially if this is a substitute for her forming other relationships of any kind with others. I really care about Pam, I just don't know if I can be who she wants me to be in good conscience. And yes, that makes me an asshole, I know.[TL:DR] I know I am not her therapist, so it isn't my place to diagnose her, but I have some limited experience with this and all in all, I feel so much anxiety at being put in a position where I am enabling someone's obsessive, controlling, and manipulative impulses.