My (26F) sex drive is significantly lower than boyfriend's (29M), he gets mad and blames himself?

My boyfriend (29M) and I (26F) have been together for a year and have recently moved in together. Before our relationship, we were each single for an extended period of time. This is my first serious relationship, his second. Sex for me has never been easy. It's more of an anxiety thing, I think? To be frank, sex scares me - the thought of becoming pregnant and/or ill with an STI is enough to shrivel my insides. Every guy I've previously dated did not want to wait, which I can understand, as sex for some is an incredibly important part of a relationship. Some were kind and open about it. Others were not.

My current boyfriend, 'Cutie' we'll dub him, was so AMAZING! In the beginning, he expressed his understanding and patience when I didn't want to have sex. He never forced me to do anything I was not comfortable with. About four/five months in, I told him that I thought I was greysexual. He struggled a bit with it, but I assured Cutie that I am super attracted to him but maybe I just tick a different way?? In early summer we were finally able to have sex. This was my first time having penetrative sex. It was incredibly painful. But I assumed it would get better, it hasn't.

About two months ago, Cutie opened up that he feels I shut him down all the time whenever he tries to initiate something sexy. We had a great conversation because I hadn't realized just how often I would say no. I said I'd try to make more effort, but again, assured Cutie that I love him dearly and that it has nothing to do with him not being enough. He thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore, or that it was something he had done or wasn't doing. I just told him that sometimes his timing is off (when we first get up, when I'm going to bed).

We've only had full sex about 10 times??? Each time is incredibly painful and uncomfortable. And honestly I just zone out until it's over and we can cuddle. I've talked to a doctor about it because I think something might be wrong with me. She thought maybe I had an infection but test results came back negative. In my memory, I've never really enjoyed sexual stuff?? While I've never had penetrative with another guy, I've done other things but it always felt like I was just going through the motions.

Since our talk about shutting him down two months back, sometimes Cutie gets moody out of nowhere. He'll just snap at me or just be in a generally bad mood. Once he went the whole day upset and didn't want to talk about it when I asked what was wrong. That night he said he was sexually frustrated. And lately, it's been happening more. He says he's not trying to put pressure on me but honestly ??? I'm feeling a lot of pressure and have cried during sex the last two times.

I'm trying to be understanding because I know he has a lot of insecurities. Earlier today he got frustrated again and asked if I wanted to talk about it. Then went on about what is it that he has to do ?? Does he need to lose weight, massage me beforehand, etc? I felt horrible. There's nothing he has to do! As I've told him multiple times. Then he said he was reading articles online about my lack of sex drive and basically they all said he was being a jerk. I don't think he's been a jerk, he has a right to feel the way he does. And I understand where he's coming from. Especially with how his ex treated him (cheated on him with his friend).

But other than sex, our relationship is amazing. I love Cutie, my whole family loves him to bits, and multiple friends and family (both sides) have said they can together for a long time. I'm not sure who to talk to about this? I don't know what to do, who to go to, or what's wrong with me? I feel gross and defective. And it's making me even less enthusiastic about sex. Advice greatly appreciated. Sorry for the longness, this is my first post.

( TL;DR: I have no sex drive and my boyfriend is sexually frustrated and upset. Not sure where to find that middle ground? )

Submitted October 14, 2019 at 12:01AM

My boyfriend (29M) and I (26F) have been together for a year and have recently moved in together. Before our relationship, we were each single for an extended period of time. This is my first serious relationship, his second. Sex for me has never been easy. It's more of an anxiety thing, I think? To be frank, sex scares me - the thought of becoming pregnant and/or ill with an STI is enough to shrivel my insides. Every guy I've previously dated did not want to wait, which I can understand, as sex for some is an incredibly important part of a relationship. Some were kind and open about it. Others were not.My current boyfriend, 'Cutie' we'll dub him, was so AMAZING! In the beginning, he expressed his understanding and patience when I didn't want to have sex. He never forced me to do anything I was not comfortable with. About four/five months in, I told him that I thought I was greysexual. He struggled a bit with it, but I assured Cutie that I am super attracted to him but maybe I just tick a different way?? In early summer we were finally able to have sex. This was my first time having penetrative sex. It was incredibly painful. But I assumed it would get better, it hasn't.About two months ago, Cutie opened up that he feels I shut him down all the time whenever he tries to initiate something sexy. We had a great conversation because I hadn't realized just how often I would say no. I said I'd try to make more effort, but again, assured Cutie that I love him dearly and that it has nothing to do with him not being enough. He thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore, or that it was something he had done or wasn't doing. I just told him that sometimes his timing is off (when we first get up, when I'm going to bed).We've only had full sex about 10 times??? Each time is incredibly painful and uncomfortable. And honestly I just zone out until it's over and we can cuddle. I've talked to a doctor about it because I think something might be wrong with me. She thought maybe I had an infection but test results came back negative. In my memory, I've never really enjoyed sexual stuff?? While I've never had penetrative with another guy, I've done other things but it always felt like I was just going through the motions.Since our talk about shutting him down two months back, sometimes Cutie gets moody out of nowhere. He'll just snap at me or just be in a generally bad mood. Once he went the whole day upset and didn't want to talk about it when I asked what was wrong. That night he said he was sexually frustrated. And lately, it's been happening more. He says he's not trying to put pressure on me but honestly ??? I'm feeling a lot of pressure and have cried during sex the last two times.I'm trying to be understanding because I know he has a lot of insecurities. Earlier today he got frustrated again and asked if I wanted to talk about it. Then went on about what is it that he has to do ?? Does he need to lose weight, massage me beforehand, etc? I felt horrible. There's nothing he has to do! As I've told him multiple times. Then he said he was reading articles online about my lack of sex drive and basically they all said he was being a jerk. I don't think he's been a jerk, he has a right to feel the way he does. And I understand where he's coming from. Especially with how his ex treated him (cheated on him with his friend).But other than sex, our relationship is amazing. I love Cutie, my whole family loves him to bits, and multiple friends and family (both sides) have said they can together for a long time. I'm not sure who to talk to about this? I don't know what to do, who to go to, or what's wrong with me? I feel gross and defective. And it's making me even less enthusiastic about sex. Advice greatly appreciated. Sorry for the longness, this is my first post.( TL;DR: I have no sex drive and my boyfriend is sexually frustrated and upset. Not sure where to find that middle ground? )