How To Get Out Of This Life-Long Rut? (24f)

Hey guys,

I've wanted to do this for a while, but never found the words so sorry if this post is long!

I'm 24f with no friends or family. My family was abusive growing up (beating, stabbing, mental torture: heavy shit) and I've had to work and study non-stop to support myself and escape them which has left me with absolutely no real social connections even though I'm fairly active in college. Building relationships with others has been hard because I yearn for a deep connection and physical bonding that seems to come easily when dating someone with good chemistry. I want someone to care about me back. Romance is like a temporary sedative- then it wears off. ALL of my relationships have ended because my guy was into another girl. The last guy just ghosted me twice- once for dating and once for friendship. For a while I suspected I was being too needy, too nice, too chill (or whatever), in my romantic relationships, so I ask and they always assure me that there's nothing wrong with us or me, but that they are just interested in other people (usually exes). Some even want to keep dating while they are working through their feelings- like the last guy- but I suggested friendship.

I have so many huge ambitions for school and life- I want to go ivy for my master's- but I spend every day lonely and upset or heartbroken and upset- so I always feel completely defeated. I'm so tired of this pain. I want to get out of this rut! I need to because it's killing me. I feel I succumb to situational depression whenever a hopeful romance ends, and now I realize I can't rely on dating for the deep connections I need. Which sucks because physical love is something I was denied by my crazy family. All I know is that I can't keep holding myself together; I need a real cure.

Dating is easy so I am never hurting for sex or dates, and I know plenty of people who want to kick it and take Insta photos, but I'm not interested in touch-and-go bullshit. I've even invited my ex therapist out with me to assess if I'm just nutty in social situations, but everything is fine on my end except for high expectations. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out or giving 99 percent with people because I'm so desperate to make a good thing work. I'm working on stopping that- being too forgiving, too reliable to those who don't want it, holding on to those who want out.

I'm really involved on campus and go out all the time, but all of it just makes me so sad I want to scream. The feeling is worse when I'm home alone though. Nothing but falling in love helps and I'm starting to lose my mind.

tl;dr - no friends, no family, no idea how to find deeper connections to fill a life-long void. Tried therapy, but there's only so much talking, mindfulness and medication will fix.

Submitted October 13, 2019 at 11:28PM

Hey guys,I've wanted to do this for a while, but never found the words so sorry if this post is long!I'm 24f with no friends or family. My family was abusive growing up (beating, stabbing, mental torture: heavy shit) and I've had to work and study non-stop to support myself and escape them which has left me with absolutely no real social connections even though I'm fairly active in college. Building relationships with others has been hard because I yearn for a deep connection and physical bonding that seems to come easily when dating someone with good chemistry. I want someone to care about me back. Romance is like a temporary sedative- then it wears off. ALL of my relationships have ended because my guy was into another girl. The last guy just ghosted me twice- once for dating and once for friendship. For a while I suspected I was being too needy, too nice, too chill (or whatever), in my romantic relationships, so I ask and they always assure me that there's nothing wrong with us or me, but that they are just interested in other people (usually exes). Some even want to keep dating while they are working through their feelings- like the last guy- but I suggested friendship.I have so many huge ambitions for school and life- I want to go ivy for my master's- but I spend every day lonely and upset or heartbroken and upset- so I always feel completely defeated. I'm so tired of this pain. I want to get out of this rut! I need to because it's killing me. I feel I succumb to situational depression whenever a hopeful romance ends, and now I realize I can't rely on dating for the deep connections I need. Which sucks because physical love is something I was denied by my crazy family. All I know is that I can't keep holding myself together; I need a real cure.Dating is easy so I am never hurting for sex or dates, and I know plenty of people who want to kick it and take Insta photos, but I'm not interested in touch-and-go bullshit. I've even invited my ex therapist out with me to assess if I'm just nutty in social situations, but everything is fine on my end except for high expectations. I feel like I'm always the one reaching out or giving 99 percent with people because I'm so desperate to make a good thing work. I'm working on stopping that- being too forgiving, too reliable to those who don't want it, holding on to those who want out.I'm really involved on campus and go out all the time, but all of it just makes me so sad I want to scream. The feeling is worse when I'm home alone though. Nothing but falling in love helps and I'm starting to lose my mind.tl;dr - no friends, no family, no idea how to find deeper connections to fill a life-long void. Tried therapy, but there's only so much talking, mindfulness and medication will fix.