I have lied to my (21F) boyfriend (22M) about my ethnicity for 2 years

throwaway account. Okay so...

TL;DR: I’m half Pakistani and half Middle Eastern. When I was younger I became embarrassed of being half Pakistani so told everyone I am fully Middle Eastern and nobody in my life knows other than my family. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago and due to being a secret ex-muslim my family do not know about my boyfriend and have never met him. I have no other secrets from him other than he thinks both sides of my family are Middle Eastern. It’s been 2 years and now I’m too scared to tell him.

I live in the UK and I am half Pakistani and half (for anonymity purposes I will just say a Middle Eastern country).

Throughout my childhood I was always called “paki” and other names for being half Pakistani however never seemed to receive any backlash for my other half.

When I got to about 12/13 I started to become very embarrassed about being half Pakistani because of the negative stereotypes about it and racial comments, and made a decision to just start telling everyone that I was fully from that other country. All my close friends believe that I am fully from that country and anyone who I knew when I was younger pretty much seems to have forgotten that I ever said I was half Pakistani.

I started university at 18 and of course I didn’t think about changing what I was doing. All of my friends at university do not know I am half Pakistani. As I am half Middle Eastern anyway and pretty light skinned it’s quite easy to get away with being fully from that country although I have received a couple of comments. Literally nobody in my life other than my family knows that I am half Pakistani.

At 19, I met my current boyfriend. He is white British. Stupidly, it didn’t cross my mind at the time that I should tell him my true background. Honestly, I tell so many people the lie that I almost sometimes forget myself that I am half Pakistani.

I come from a dysfunctional family of Muslims and I am ex-Muslim and still haven’t come out to my family, which is why 2 years into our relationship he hasn’t met them which is why he hasnt found out. My family will disown me when I tell them I am not muslim and I have no plans to be in contact with them after I graduate university. He knows everything about me, everything about my family, just apart from the fact he believes that both sides are from the same country.

I have only ever visited the Middle Eastern country and have family living there but have no family living in Pakistan and therefore never go there. All of my family on the Pakistani side were born here and speak English. Which is why he’s never figured it out.

When me and my boyfriend started to get serious I realised I needed to tell him but I was terrified that he would be angry with me and break up with me and now I’m in a cycle of knowing that I need to tell him, as I want a serious future with him, and I know that when I come out to my family as ex-muslim he will probably find out either way. And I’ve been talking myself out of telling him for the past year or so because I’m terrified of his reaction.

I’m terrified of his reaction mostly because of the lie, which I know is an awful thing for me to have done, but also because I’m scared he will look at me different because I am half Pakistani as I weirdly feel as though that’s seen as more “foreign” and I’m scared he will feel less attracted to me. That’s stupid I know.

I made it even worse because my Pakistani parent has a slightly twang in their accent which sounds like they may come from there and my boyfriend has jokingly asked me if I’m secretly half Pakistani/Indian. I panicked and instantly laughed it off even though it could have been the perfect time to admit it.

I know I have to tell him the truth, and soon, but I’m just SO scared. I have really fucked up and I’m scared that he’s going to leave me because of this lie. I have not lied to him about anything else in my life but I wouldn’t blame him if he said that he couldn’t believe that. I love him so much and I can’t keep lying to him when I want a future with him but then I chicken out of telling him as I’m scared I won’t even have a future with him when I tell him.

How would you react if you were in his situation? Any advice would be appreciated. I know this is an odd situation and I’ve really fucked up here.



Submitted October 13, 2019 at 11:31PM

throwaway account. Okay so...TL;DR: I’m half Pakistani and half Middle Eastern. When I was younger I became embarrassed of being half Pakistani so told everyone I am fully Middle Eastern and nobody in my life knows other than my family. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago and due to being a secret ex-muslim my family do not know about my boyfriend and have never met him. I have no other secrets from him other than he thinks both sides of my family are Middle Eastern. It’s been 2 years and now I’m too scared to tell him.I live in the UK and I am half Pakistani and half (for anonymity purposes I will just say a Middle Eastern country).Throughout my childhood I was always called “paki” and other names for being half Pakistani however never seemed to receive any backlash for my other half.When I got to about 12/13 I started to become very embarrassed about being half Pakistani because of the negative stereotypes about it and racial comments, and made a decision to just start telling everyone that I was fully from that other country. All my close friends believe that I am fully from that country and anyone who I knew when I was younger pretty much seems to have forgotten that I ever said I was half Pakistani.I started university at 18 and of course I didn’t think about changing what I was doing. All of my friends at university do not know I am half Pakistani. As I am half Middle Eastern anyway and pretty light skinned it’s quite easy to get away with being fully from that country although I have received a couple of comments. Literally nobody in my life other than my family knows that I am half Pakistani.At 19, I met my current boyfriend. He is white British. Stupidly, it didn’t cross my mind at the time that I should tell him my true background. Honestly, I tell so many people the lie that I almost sometimes forget myself that I am half Pakistani.I come from a dysfunctional family of Muslims and I am ex-Muslim and still haven’t come out to my family, which is why 2 years into our relationship he hasn’t met them which is why he hasnt found out. My family will disown me when I tell them I am not muslim and I have no plans to be in contact with them after I graduate university. He knows everything about me, everything about my family, just apart from the fact he believes that both sides are from the same country.I have only ever visited the Middle Eastern country and have family living there but have no family living in Pakistan and therefore never go there. All of my family on the Pakistani side were born here and speak English. Which is why he’s never figured it out.When me and my boyfriend started to get serious I realised I needed to tell him but I was terrified that he would be angry with me and break up with me and now I’m in a cycle of knowing that I need to tell him, as I want a serious future with him, and I know that when I come out to my family as ex-muslim he will probably find out either way. And I’ve been talking myself out of telling him for the past year or so because I’m terrified of his reaction.I’m terrified of his reaction mostly because of the lie, which I know is an awful thing for me to have done, but also because I’m scared he will look at me different because I am half Pakistani as I weirdly feel as though that’s seen as more “foreign” and I’m scared he will feel less attracted to me. That’s stupid I know.I made it even worse because my Pakistani parent has a slightly twang in their accent which sounds like they may come from there and my boyfriend has jokingly asked me if I’m secretly half Pakistani/Indian. I panicked and instantly laughed it off even though it could have been the perfect time to admit it.I know I have to tell him the truth, and soon, but I’m just SO scared. I have really fucked up and I’m scared that he’s going to leave me because of this lie. I have not lied to him about anything else in my life but I wouldn’t blame him if he said that he couldn’t believe that. I love him so much and I can’t keep lying to him when I want a future with him but then I chicken out of telling him as I’m scared I won’t even have a future with him when I tell him.How would you react if you were in his situation? Any advice would be appreciated. I know this is an odd situation and I’ve really fucked up here.
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