I [26F] feel deeply devalued by my best friend's [27F] general indifference towards me. I feel like I should make a decision.

Hi, all.

I have been very close friends to this girl for almost 8 years now. We met entering college and clicked – having the same tastes in music, comedy, fashion and generally being very easy to talk to one another. We used to do everything together during college, even when I got a boyfriend (who's with me for about 6 years now) we remained very close and I didn't drift apart from her (or any other friends) because I was in a relationship.

I really loved being around her, she's someone I really care about and that has gone through some awesome moments of my life with me and some difficult moments too. But I always felt very diminished around her. It wasn't something that she actively did to me, but it was how she always acted as the more "laid-back" (cool) friend and I was the uptight, mom-type. I also felt diminished as she usually wouldn't exactly put an effort to see me, we saw each other often when it was convenient but it was always when going to a bar or me visiting her house. And she frequently got distracted, not remembering either things I told about my life or not telling me about events happening in her own.

For some time I felt like I was someone very dependant on her, with no other friends. I was suffering from generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) at that time and found it difficult to be in social situations alone, so sure it must have felt that way as I relied a lot on her.

After college she moved to another city and never really expressed how much she would miss me, she was just happy that she would have the time of her life in this new city. I was initially upset that she would so easily "leave me" but realised on my own that it was unfair to her, so I never did externalise my thoughts on this and focused mainly on saying that I would miss her a lot, which was true.

When she moved our contact diminished a lot. She's bad with texts and usually takes a lot of time to answer, leaving a on-going conversation open. She usually reaches out to tell me something about her and ask general questions about what's going on with me, but when I answer these questions I find myself in this vacuum, with no response for even days at a time and feeling like an idiot.

I discussed it a lot in therapy, which I started for other reasons in my life (GAD) and also to get to know myself better. Over the past years since she moved I realised I didn't like her behaviour and that I wasn't "less" than her. I don't have GAD anymore and have rediscovered that I am a laid-back social butterfly as well. I have no problems making conversations and have maintained and made a lot of friends even with her far away. I became more confident on who I am myself and try to treat her ghosting episodes on texts and other social medias simply as "part of life", we're adults that can grow apart etc etc. Even with this improvement, I feel like I have some relapses to feeling diminished every now and then.

I visited her once and felt this way. We hadn't seen each other in over a year and a half, I was super excited to see her. When I got there we had fine moments but I felt she put me (and other friend that was with me) aside. We had gone there, in an expensive trip, just to see her, and she would just leave us to go to other friends party and do her things. I found myself once again feeling like an idiot about caring for someone who was just "ok" that I was there. When she visited back I wanted to retaliate, also booking my days with other appointments, but I realised that it just didn't have any effect on her as it did on me, so I felt more like an idiot.

The most recent episode that is making me resentful is that she forgot my birthday. She sent me a message on the following day with a half-assed excuse that it's hard to keep track of these events nowadays. I gave her the silent treatment for a couple of days and then texted to explain that I was upset about it, that I agree it's hard to keep track of everybody's birthday but that hers and other close friends' I wouldn't forget. She gave me total reason for that, said that she was sorry and that she really loved me and asked me how my birthday was. I answered her that she was forgiven for forgetting my birthday, told her about my day and she immediately stopped answering me, ghosting me as she usually does. She texted back some days after and I chose not to answer her for a few days also, but I just feel that I can't win this game.

Long story over. What should I do? I already talked to her about behaviours that upset me in the past and she changed a bit but keeps falling to her old ways. I don't like being this resentful to someone I would call "my best friend". I really love her as a friend, she's a funny person and we still have so many interests in common, but I just don't want to let this bad feeling towards her and myself keep growing. Should I talk to her again or should I just let go of this friendship? If so, how can I do this and stop myself from answering her and being excited to tell her about my life events?

TL;DR: Best friend from 8 years has a history of treating me with indifference, leaving me with a feeling that I'm super dependent on her and less of a person. Has gotten worse when she moved to another city, as she is bad at texting. She has apologised for mistakes in the past and recently, but keeps falling in her old and comfortable habits. Has recently forgotten my birthday which got me thinking what should I do regarding this friendship.

Submitted October 13, 2019 at 11:57PM

Hi, all.I have been very close friends to this girl for almost 8 years now. We met entering college and clicked – having the same tastes in music, comedy, fashion and generally being very easy to talk to one another. We used to do everything together during college, even when I got a boyfriend (who's with me for about 6 years now) we remained very close and I didn't drift apart from her (or any other friends) because I was in a relationship.I really loved being around her, she's someone I really care about and that has gone through some awesome moments of my life with me and some difficult moments too. But I always felt very diminished around her. It wasn't something that she actively did to me, but it was how she always acted as the more "laid-back" (cool) friend and I was the uptight, mom-type. I also felt diminished as she usually wouldn't exactly put an effort to see me, we saw each other often when it was convenient but it was always when going to a bar or me visiting her house. And she frequently got distracted, not remembering either things I told about my life or not telling me about events happening in her own.For some time I felt like I was someone very dependant on her, with no other friends. I was suffering from generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) at that time and found it difficult to be in social situations alone, so sure it must have felt that way as I relied a lot on her.After college she moved to another city and never really expressed how much she would miss me, she was just happy that she would have the time of her life in this new city. I was initially upset that she would so easily "leave me" but realised on my own that it was unfair to her, so I never did externalise my thoughts on this and focused mainly on saying that I would miss her a lot, which was true.When she moved our contact diminished a lot. She's bad with texts and usually takes a lot of time to answer, leaving a on-going conversation open. She usually reaches out to tell me something about her and ask general questions about what's going on with me, but when I answer these questions I find myself in this vacuum, with no response for even days at a time and feeling like an idiot.I discussed it a lot in therapy, which I started for other reasons in my life (GAD) and also to get to know myself better. Over the past years since she moved I realised I didn't like her behaviour and that I wasn't "less" than her. I don't have GAD anymore and have rediscovered that I am a laid-back social butterfly as well. I have no problems making conversations and have maintained and made a lot of friends even with her far away. I became more confident on who I am myself and try to treat her ghosting episodes on texts and other social medias simply as "part of life", we're adults that can grow apart etc etc. Even with this improvement, I feel like I have some relapses to feeling diminished every now and then.I visited her once and felt this way. We hadn't seen each other in over a year and a half, I was super excited to see her. When I got there we had fine moments but I felt she put me (and other friend that was with me) aside. We had gone there, in an expensive trip, just to see her, and she would just leave us to go to other friends party and do her things. I found myself once again feeling like an idiot about caring for someone who was just "ok" that I was there. When she visited back I wanted to retaliate, also booking my days with other appointments, but I realised that it just didn't have any effect on her as it did on me, so I felt more like an idiot.The most recent episode that is making me resentful is that she forgot my birthday. She sent me a message on the following day with a half-assed excuse that it's hard to keep track of these events nowadays. I gave her the silent treatment for a couple of days and then texted to explain that I was upset about it, that I agree it's hard to keep track of everybody's birthday but that hers and other close friends' I wouldn't forget. She gave me total reason for that, said that she was sorry and that she really loved me and asked me how my birthday was. I answered her that she was forgiven for forgetting my birthday, told her about my day and she immediately stopped answering me, ghosting me as she usually does. She texted back some days after and I chose not to answer her for a few days also, but I just feel that I can't win this game.Long story over. What should I do? I already talked to her about behaviours that upset me in the past and she changed a bit but keeps falling to her old ways. I don't like being this resentful to someone I would call "my best friend". I really love her as a friend, she's a funny person and we still have so many interests in common, but I just don't want to let this bad feeling towards her and myself keep growing. Should I talk to her again or should I just let go of this friendship? If so, how can I do this and stop myself from answering her and being excited to tell her about my life events?TL;DR: Best friend from 8 years has a history of treating me with indifference, leaving me with a feeling that I'm super dependent on her and less of a person. Has gotten worse when she moved to another city, as she is bad at texting. She has apologised for mistakes in the past and recently, but keeps falling in her old and comfortable habits. Has recently forgotten my birthday which got me thinking what should I do regarding this friendship.