Separated AITA

So my wife and I have been separated since January but are trying to work through things with bouts of success and failure. right now I think both of us are trying hard to reconcile and things have been better.

She originally was the one who demanded I leave her and our two kids and walk away with nothing. I moved in with a friend and spent 5 months there. Tried a week at the house and it was toxic and terrible so I found my own place.

Have been living there since early June and get the kids every Tuesday night and then either a Friday or Saturday night from 3 pm to 3 pm. We still do a lot of things together as a family and I really enjoy it. I’m sad she’s still convinced I’m this abusive controlling person. I’ve been in therapy since last October.

Latest fight is about a mutual friend. He was my old roommate from college who we did a lot of things with when we were together. During this separation I’ve leaned on him to vent and express frustration. Same with one of our other mutual friends who has stepped up and been kind as well. Admittedly I never really formed my own friends which I blame myself for but also due to guilt from her. Anyway my old roommate comes to town and usually when he does we go out for all you can eat sushi. My wife and I had a few good days recently so I decide to invite her and the kids to join us.

She jumps on the argument of how I’m turning her friends against her. I’ve consistently shown up when he’s been in town and been to events, I’ve suggested we get a sitter so she can come but she insisted being with the kids. So now he typically just invites me to things and even though I invited her, she’s angry she wasn’t given the invite given that he was a mutual friend.

We have another mutual friend who lives out of state who is successfully able to maintain a relationship with both of us despite me venting to him as well and leaning on him for support. I am not responsible for her relationships with other people and every time I vent I make sure to caveat it with the fact that I don’t want to influence their relationship with my wife.

She seems to think I should just be able to make new friends and instantly be able to rely on them for support and dump my problems on them.

Am I the asshole? Do I owe her toning down what I say because he’s a mutual friend even though she’s not reached out and talked to him in months?

TL;DR - wife is mad my good friend and ex-college roommate didn’t invite her to dinner and I’m ruining her relationship with him by venting to him during our separation.



Submitted September 09, 2019 at 12:10AM

So my wife and I have been separated since January but are trying to work through things with bouts of success and failure. right now I think both of us are trying hard to reconcile and things have been better.She originally was the one who demanded I leave her and our two kids and walk away with nothing. I moved in with a friend and spent 5 months there. Tried a week at the house and it was toxic and terrible so I found my own place.Have been living there since early June and get the kids every Tuesday night and then either a Friday or Saturday night from 3 pm to 3 pm. We still do a lot of things together as a family and I really enjoy it. I’m sad she’s still convinced I’m this abusive controlling person. I’ve been in therapy since last October.Latest fight is about a mutual friend. He was my old roommate from college who we did a lot of things with when we were together. During this separation I’ve leaned on him to vent and express frustration. Same with one of our other mutual friends who has stepped up and been kind as well. Admittedly I never really formed my own friends which I blame myself for but also due to guilt from her. Anyway my old roommate comes to town and usually when he does we go out for all you can eat sushi. My wife and I had a few good days recently so I decide to invite her and the kids to join us.She jumps on the argument of how I’m turning her friends against her. I’ve consistently shown up when he’s been in town and been to events, I’ve suggested we get a sitter so she can come but she insisted being with the kids. So now he typically just invites me to things and even though I invited her, she’s angry she wasn’t given the invite given that he was a mutual friend.We have another mutual friend who lives out of state who is successfully able to maintain a relationship with both of us despite me venting to him as well and leaning on him for support. I am not responsible for her relationships with other people and every time I vent I make sure to caveat it with the fact that I don’t want to influence their relationship with my wife.She seems to think I should just be able to make new friends and instantly be able to rely on them for support and dump my problems on them.Am I the asshole? Do I owe her toning down what I say because he’s a mutual friend even though she’s not reached out and talked to him in months?TL;DR - wife is mad my good friend and ex-college roommate didn’t invite her to dinner and I’m ruining her relationship with him by venting to him during our separation.
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