My (18M) relationship with my gf (18F) is getting more and more stressful, what do I do?

To preface: I generally show myself as a level headed person. I try to see both sides of arguments, I am able to empathize with the worst people, and I realise the worst parts about me and actively try to change myself to be the best person I can be. Unfortunately that comes from a very toxic mindset. I've always been one to fish for attention, specifically good attention. I want as many people to like me as possible and hatred or no attention scares me, although i still know that I cant get everyone to like me but that doesnt stop me from trying. My ego is massive, younger me thought I was better than everyone else, I've grown up but that doesnt mean I'm not naturally, and instinctively, selfish. I am not very confident at all, my self esteem is low from semi-constantly realizing how not great I am. I'm always thinking about what other people are thinking, in general. I mean at any moment I look at people and wonder what they are thinking (specifically what they think of other people, or more specifically, think about me), and try to keep my thoughts unpredictable so that people can't manipulate me or maybe just to feel unique. I am always trying to figure out what caused me to be the way I am because for the most part I hate being like this and I think finding out why I am this way can help me stop, my efforts usually are successful and I get better. I'd like to say it's because I try to be as self aware as possible at all times, constantly catching myself when I have any bad thoughts, supressing them most of the time. I have so much self control in anything but love.

I've never been in genuine love with someone who loves me back before, this is my first go at a serious relationship. In the beginning it was amazing, of course. Hit all the beats of a long term relationship, felt truly loved by this girl, and loved every second of it. She would stop me before I left her house for another kiss, cuddle with me all day, talk to me all day on text whenever she had excess freetime. We were sexual, talkative, having fun, and in love. Now, we have been dating for nearly 11 months and I have been slowly dying for the last 7 or so. It started with the attention. Im fine when I have attention, I act normal and am able to handle myself. But when I was cuddling with her she would be get focused on something else, like completely focused. We used to look at instagram together and now she looks at instagram while I'm trying to talk to her, and anything she gets distracted by turns her attention completely away from me. This makes me feel so unimportant. I get sad when it happens and its about half the time I'm with her. The first time she did it I didn't mind but after a little I wanted something from her cause she was acting like im not even there. I got desperate, and therefor she got more spacey. The whole thing turned into me getting more desperate with her getting more spacey. After telling her this she still doesnt try to stop herself, rather telling me that she loves me and that I should trust her, granted I should, but i keep thinking she doesnt love me enough to help me. I have tried to control myself and stop being so desperate but everytime I try to, I somehow end up re-convincing myself that she doesnt look at me the way i look at her. I cant get that idea out of my head. I just feel like she never tries to give me the attention I want. Even when we text she accidentally leaves me on read, often takes a while to respond to me, responds with no interest sometimes, or on just sends a picture of herself (snap or messages) or a sticker that means nothing and then say nothing. She doesnt try to keep me around for just a lil bit longer anymore. She still gives me infrequent kisses and hugs if I dont give her any attention for a little while. Shes not the devil, not at all. She is the nicest person I know and does so much for everyone. She works way too hard at her job all the time and one of her teachers is making her life so much harder. She has gotten more and more mentally tired, not physically tired, over these months and has affected the way she treats me. I dont feel like I can do anything to help her cause she always says "I dont know" when I ask what's wrong. This makes me feel like she doesnt want to tell me whats actually upsetting her. Sometimes she tells me randomly whats wrong, and she says she worrys about me too, but more of a "I'm poop and feel bad" kind of worry. I am fighting myself and her, do I kill myself and deal with it to make her feel less clung to, or do I break out some sort of ultimatum for her, honestly it doesnt even matter i just need answers, or help.

TL;DR - My girlfriend doesnt give me enough attention even though she says she wants to, do I stay desperate or be mentally stressed from dealing with it to keep a good thing going? Or possibly something else?

Submitted September 09, 2019 at 12:07AM

To preface: I generally show myself as a level headed person. I try to see both sides of arguments, I am able to empathize with the worst people, and I realise the worst parts about me and actively try to change myself to be the best person I can be. Unfortunately that comes from a very toxic mindset. I've always been one to fish for attention, specifically good attention. I want as many people to like me as possible and hatred or no attention scares me, although i still know that I cant get everyone to like me but that doesnt stop me from trying. My ego is massive, younger me thought I was better than everyone else, I've grown up but that doesnt mean I'm not naturally, and instinctively, selfish. I am not very confident at all, my self esteem is low from semi-constantly realizing how not great I am. I'm always thinking about what other people are thinking, in general. I mean at any moment I look at people and wonder what they are thinking (specifically what they think of other people, or more specifically, think about me), and try to keep my thoughts unpredictable so that people can't manipulate me or maybe just to feel unique. I am always trying to figure out what caused me to be the way I am because for the most part I hate being like this and I think finding out why I am this way can help me stop, my efforts usually are successful and I get better. I'd like to say it's because I try to be as self aware as possible at all times, constantly catching myself when I have any bad thoughts, supressing them most of the time. I have so much self control in anything but love.I've never been in genuine love with someone who loves me back before, this is my first go at a serious relationship. In the beginning it was amazing, of course. Hit all the beats of a long term relationship, felt truly loved by this girl, and loved every second of it. She would stop me before I left her house for another kiss, cuddle with me all day, talk to me all day on text whenever she had excess freetime. We were sexual, talkative, having fun, and in love. Now, we have been dating for nearly 11 months and I have been slowly dying for the last 7 or so. It started with the attention. Im fine when I have attention, I act normal and am able to handle myself. But when I was cuddling with her she would be get focused on something else, like completely focused. We used to look at instagram together and now she looks at instagram while I'm trying to talk to her, and anything she gets distracted by turns her attention completely away from me. This makes me feel so unimportant. I get sad when it happens and its about half the time I'm with her. The first time she did it I didn't mind but after a little I wanted something from her cause she was acting like im not even there. I got desperate, and therefor she got more spacey. The whole thing turned into me getting more desperate with her getting more spacey. After telling her this she still doesnt try to stop herself, rather telling me that she loves me and that I should trust her, granted I should, but i keep thinking she doesnt love me enough to help me. I have tried to control myself and stop being so desperate but everytime I try to, I somehow end up re-convincing myself that she doesnt look at me the way i look at her. I cant get that idea out of my head. I just feel like she never tries to give me the attention I want. Even when we text she accidentally leaves me on read, often takes a while to respond to me, responds with no interest sometimes, or on just sends a picture of herself (snap or messages) or a sticker that means nothing and then say nothing. She doesnt try to keep me around for just a lil bit longer anymore. She still gives me infrequent kisses and hugs if I dont give her any attention for a little while. Shes not the devil, not at all. She is the nicest person I know and does so much for everyone. She works way too hard at her job all the time and one of her teachers is making her life so much harder. She has gotten more and more mentally tired, not physically tired, over these months and has affected the way she treats me. I dont feel like I can do anything to help her cause she always says "I dont know" when I ask what's wrong. This makes me feel like she doesnt want to tell me whats actually upsetting her. Sometimes she tells me randomly whats wrong, and she says she worrys about me too, but more of a "I'm poop and feel bad" kind of worry. I am fighting myself and her, do I kill myself and deal with it to make her feel less clung to, or do I break out some sort of ultimatum for her, honestly it doesnt even matter i just need answers, or help.TL;DR - My girlfriend doesnt give me enough attention even though she says she wants to, do I stay desperate or be mentally stressed from dealing with it to keep a good thing going? Or possibly something else?