My(F23) Boyfriend(M27) is obsessed with BJJ and it’s making me want to pull my hair out.

Apologies for any formatting oddities, on mobile.

My(F23) boyfriend(M27) and I have been together for 4 years, 2 of those were spent doing long distance. We’ve lived together for a year at this point.

When he moved to my city so we could move in together he immediately became isolated and struggled to make friends. He wasn’t leaving the apartment (working remote) and was lonely. He tried some activities, but the one he found that he enjoys is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He found BJJ a month ago and initially I was really happy for him. I thought it would be a great way for him to socialize and make friends.

However, since then he went from going one or two times a week to, now less than two months later, going five times a week. When he’s at BJJ he is leaves our apartment before I get home from work and doesn’t get back until 9:30, or 10:00 pm. Starting this week he will have only spent one weeknight in our home with us together. Additionally, he spends one weekend morning at his gym for 4 hours.

As if that isn’t enough, he never stops talking about BJJ. Never. He wakes up and tells me about it, he tells me about it after class, he tells me about BJJ videos, it never ends. Worst of all, he’ll impose his BJJ talk on my friends and family. None of them do BJJ or are interested in doing so. They’re disillusioned, and I don’t think he realizes how much of an ass he comes off as while talking about something no one else is interested in. He also used to try and spar with me “for fun” until one morning I nearly broke his nose (accidentally), and since then that’s thankfully stopped.

We used to have a great relationship. We communicated really well, we had a great symbiotic relationship with an even distribution of tasks, chores, and expenses, etc. Now I’m just disgruntled and pulling away. I’ll fully confess I’ve stopped leaning into the relationship. I work M-F 8:30-6:00/6:30 and now with him leaving before I’m home I see him one evening a week I’m cooking dinner most nights, which I enjoy generally, but the inequality gets under my skin. I’ve stopped sharing information about my life with him because he talks about BJJ so much it’s obvious he’s not interested in what’s happened in my day otherwise he’d ask me, or pause long enough to hear if I have anything to share. I’ve been picking up night shifts phone banking on campaigns to fill my time, but I feel guilty because our dog (who is crate trained) gets locked in her crate when we’re not home.

Today when he told me that he’s going to be doing BJJ five days a week he also told me he will be training to begin doing competitions in 8-12 months. I said, “I won't lie, I'm not thrilled considering you're going to be there now 5 days a week, but I hope it's fun and that you're happy.” Then when I left work to go get the dog he texted me “I want to reiterate that I don't want to make you feel left out or neglected. I'd like to discuss ways that I can do that while still taking jj a bit more seriously when we talk later tonight, if that is ok with you?”

So tonight we’re talking this all out and fundamentally the issue is, he couldn’t live with old status quo, which I agree was not working, but I cannot live with the new status quo.

My questions are: Am I unreasonable for being pissed? I feel terrible, because he loves it so so much and I don’t want to discourage him from doing something he loves, but I cannot deal with BJJ all the time. I can’t. Second, I’m interested in hearing from people in similar situations if it is even possible to be in a relationship where one member of the partnership is into BJJ while the other isn’t? Finally, I’m having a hard time determining what would be a fair compromise to propose when we talk tonight because I’m honestly just so pissed off I’m not functioning with the good will in mind. If you could help me figure what would be a fair compromise on this is, I would appreciate it.

TLDR: Boyfriend of 4 years is suddenly obsessed with BJJ. After one month has gone from taking 2 classes a week to wanting to compete in tournaments. I cannot deal with thing the way they are, but I’m so angry I need help figuring out a fair compromise.

Submitted September 19, 2019 at 11:29PM

Apologies for any formatting oddities, on mobile.My(F23) boyfriend(M27) and I have been together for 4 years, 2 of those were spent doing long distance. We’ve lived together for a year at this point.When he moved to my city so we could move in together he immediately became isolated and struggled to make friends. He wasn’t leaving the apartment (working remote) and was lonely. He tried some activities, but the one he found that he enjoys is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He found BJJ a month ago and initially I was really happy for him. I thought it would be a great way for him to socialize and make friends.However, since then he went from going one or two times a week to, now less than two months later, going five times a week. When he’s at BJJ he is leaves our apartment before I get home from work and doesn’t get back until 9:30, or 10:00 pm. Starting this week he will have only spent one weeknight in our home with us together. Additionally, he spends one weekend morning at his gym for 4 hours.As if that isn’t enough, he never stops talking about BJJ. Never. He wakes up and tells me about it, he tells me about it after class, he tells me about BJJ videos, it never ends. Worst of all, he’ll impose his BJJ talk on my friends and family. None of them do BJJ or are interested in doing so. They’re disillusioned, and I don’t think he realizes how much of an ass he comes off as while talking about something no one else is interested in. He also used to try and spar with me “for fun” until one morning I nearly broke his nose (accidentally), and since then that’s thankfully stopped.We used to have a great relationship. We communicated really well, we had a great symbiotic relationship with an even distribution of tasks, chores, and expenses, etc. Now I’m just disgruntled and pulling away. I’ll fully confess I’ve stopped leaning into the relationship. I work M-F 8:30-6:00/6:30 and now with him leaving before I’m home I see him one evening a week I’m cooking dinner most nights, which I enjoy generally, but the inequality gets under my skin. I’ve stopped sharing information about my life with him because he talks about BJJ so much it’s obvious he’s not interested in what’s happened in my day otherwise he’d ask me, or pause long enough to hear if I have anything to share. I’ve been picking up night shifts phone banking on campaigns to fill my time, but I feel guilty because our dog (who is crate trained) gets locked in her crate when we’re not home.Today when he told me that he’s going to be doing BJJ five days a week he also told me he will be training to begin doing competitions in 8-12 months. I said, “I won't lie, I'm not thrilled considering you're going to be there now 5 days a week, but I hope it's fun and that you're happy.” Then when I left work to go get the dog he texted me “I want to reiterate that I don't want to make you feel left out or neglected. I'd like to discuss ways that I can do that while still taking jj a bit more seriously when we talk later tonight, if that is ok with you?”So tonight we’re talking this all out and fundamentally the issue is, he couldn’t live with old status quo, which I agree was not working, but I cannot live with the new status quo.My questions are: Am I unreasonable for being pissed? I feel terrible, because he loves it so so much and I don’t want to discourage him from doing something he loves, but I cannot deal with BJJ all the time. I can’t. Second, I’m interested in hearing from people in similar situations if it is even possible to be in a relationship where one member of the partnership is into BJJ while the other isn’t? Finally, I’m having a hard time determining what would be a fair compromise to propose when we talk tonight because I’m honestly just so pissed off I’m not functioning with the good will in mind. If you could help me figure what would be a fair compromise on this is, I would appreciate it.TLDR: Boyfriend of 4 years is suddenly obsessed with BJJ. After one month has gone from taking 2 classes a week to wanting to compete in tournaments. I cannot deal with thing the way they are, but I’m so angry I need help figuring out a fair compromise.