My (24F) boyfriend of three years (24M) told me that I am the cause of his academic failures.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have lived together for over a year. We started dating 6 months before he started professional schooling. He is a full time student, and I work nearly full time and go to school at night.

Currently he is studying for a major test that's two weeks away. Household chores were building up, and I've asked if he can do things I don't have time for, such as asking him to find time in the day to do the dishes or brush our dog. At first he would attempt to do the things I asked, but lately he says he doesn't have the time. The responsibilities of food, cleaning, and caring for our dog fell on me. Last night, after working all day and going to my night class, I come home and immediately start the dishes piled up in the sink, trying to work quickly so I can do the other light house keeping, eat, and study. I either do this at night or wake up early before work to do light picking up in an attempt to not let it get so bad. I'm a bit frustrated, and he comes out of his office and asks what is wrong. I honestly tell him that this isn't fair. He gets super frustrated, tells me that he asked me to be there for him, and goes to his office refusing to talk to me.

Later, he comes out and gives me a sort of ultimatum. He says he's tired of me becoming mad and essentially telling him that I need help around the house. He says it cannot happen again. He says that if I can't foresee myself supporting him while he is in school and after he enters a hard career, then we can breakup. Then he says something that I cannot get out of my head. He tells me that he has always put me first in the relationship and that is why he is behind academically in his program. Of course, I'm crying at this point, and he tells me he's tired of feeling sorry and that I shouldn't be upset, and reminds me this can't happen again. Later I tell him I am hurt, and he asks why.

I feel hurt about the things he said. I feel guilty that I may be the cause of his academic failures. I really do try to stay out of the way and support him. It's just so hard when I'm tired, working, and have my own schooling as well. I've given him tons of space since last night, and now he's asking why I'm so distant. I don't know what to do. I love him, and our relationship is usually good when he isn't under the stress of a major exam. But now I can't get the guilty feeling that I am in the wrong/his problem to go away. I scheduled a therapy appointment to try to help myself sort through this, but that's a week away and wanted some advice now.

TLDR: A lot of household responsibilities fall on me, a student and nearly full-time worker. My partner told me to support him and not get upset again/mention to him the inequality of responsibilities. He tells me putting me first in his life has caused him academic hardship, which is what is making me feel the most at fault/sad.

Submitted September 19, 2019 at 11:30PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have lived together for over a year. We started dating 6 months before he started professional schooling. He is a full time student, and I work nearly full time and go to school at night.Currently he is studying for a major test that's two weeks away. Household chores were building up, and I've asked if he can do things I don't have time for, such as asking him to find time in the day to do the dishes or brush our dog. At first he would attempt to do the things I asked, but lately he says he doesn't have the time. The responsibilities of food, cleaning, and caring for our dog fell on me. Last night, after working all day and going to my night class, I come home and immediately start the dishes piled up in the sink, trying to work quickly so I can do the other light house keeping, eat, and study. I either do this at night or wake up early before work to do light picking up in an attempt to not let it get so bad. I'm a bit frustrated, and he comes out of his office and asks what is wrong. I honestly tell him that this isn't fair. He gets super frustrated, tells me that he asked me to be there for him, and goes to his office refusing to talk to me.Later, he comes out and gives me a sort of ultimatum. He says he's tired of me becoming mad and essentially telling him that I need help around the house. He says it cannot happen again. He says that if I can't foresee myself supporting him while he is in school and after he enters a hard career, then we can breakup. Then he says something that I cannot get out of my head. He tells me that he has always put me first in the relationship and that is why he is behind academically in his program. Of course, I'm crying at this point, and he tells me he's tired of feeling sorry and that I shouldn't be upset, and reminds me this can't happen again. Later I tell him I am hurt, and he asks why.I feel hurt about the things he said. I feel guilty that I may be the cause of his academic failures. I really do try to stay out of the way and support him. It's just so hard when I'm tired, working, and have my own schooling as well. I've given him tons of space since last night, and now he's asking why I'm so distant. I don't know what to do. I love him, and our relationship is usually good when he isn't under the stress of a major exam. But now I can't get the guilty feeling that I am in the wrong/his problem to go away. I scheduled a therapy appointment to try to help myself sort through this, but that's a week away and wanted some advice now.TLDR: A lot of household responsibilities fall on me, a student and nearly full-time worker. My partner told me to support him and not get upset again/mention to him the inequality of responsibilities. He tells me putting me first in his life has caused him academic hardship, which is what is making me feel the most at fault/sad.