By physically withdrawing from a talk about snooping through my messages in the past, did I (26M) inflict physical abuse on my girlfriend (26F)?

TLDR: She brought up snooping on my messages while I was rushing work, expecting me to talk about the matter. I refused, and she kept pulling my elbow but I pulled back. She said the force of my withdrawal hurt her and gave her so much trauma that she refuses to see me any longer. Did I abuse her? Do we still have a future?

Event description

I have autism (bluntly meaning I can have communication issues) and she has anxiety depression disorder, and we are both in mid-20s. So I was doing work late at night with her by my side, and while I was searching through emails sent by my manager, she suddenly brought up that she'd looked through my messages on both WhatsApp and Telegram a few months back.

Then she said that she saw my message about me having a crush on my manager, but being glad that I could overcome the attraction especially now that I had a girlfriend. I was in turmoil over how she had seen such an ugly side of me. How could she hold on to those words of mine, taken out of context, spoken months ago when I barely remembered them, and yet still consider me her partner? Yet she kept trying to talk to me and calm me down, even after dropping that huge bomb on me.

She grabbed my elbow. I pulled away. She held tighter. I pulled more. She told me it hurt. I kept pulling. Then she suddenly let go and walked off in a huff.

I asked her what she was doing, and she said I could go home and work by myself. I sat there as she walked off, and eventually went to find her. There, she told me that she felt jealous of my manager and hated whenever I brought her up. And that's why she kept asking me to quit for the past few months.

Now I was wondering if I should even let her have such control over my life, but the next bomb was to come: She said I had dealt physical abuse to her by pulling away so forcefully, and it reminded her of her previous boyfriend. She said she couldn't tolerate such behaviour from anyone, then went home in a Grab.

But we kept messaging. She told me she was scared, she was terrified, she was stuttering when she talked to me. She didn't recognise me as the same person she dated any more. A man shouldn't use force on a woman like that under any circumstances. I behaved like her previous boyfriend and that's the truth.

These are all quoted from her.

And she never acknowledged the betrayal I felt when she dug through my messages. Again. She said she would let me read through her messages to others, but I refused to. I always refused to, even when she read them out to me.

I keep telling myself it's the depression. But she sees things in black and white, maybe because of a traumatic childhood. When someone treats her badly once, it's done. They're an oppressor. They're a threat. I kept trying to tell her I would never have just her, but now I'm just a threat to her brain even if her mind is trying to think otherwise.

She said she never wants to see me again, or confide in me, or criticise me. Or let me hug or kiss her again.

We had many other issues, but I never would have guessed this was how we might break up.

Submitted September 19, 2019 at 11:28PM

TLDR: She brought up snooping on my messages while I was rushing work, expecting me to talk about the matter. I refused, and she kept pulling my elbow but I pulled back. She said the force of my withdrawal hurt her and gave her so much trauma that she refuses to see me any longer. Did I abuse her? Do we still have a future?Event descriptionI have autism (bluntly meaning I can have communication issues) and she has anxiety depression disorder, and we are both in mid-20s. So I was doing work late at night with her by my side, and while I was searching through emails sent by my manager, she suddenly brought up that she'd looked through my messages on both WhatsApp and Telegram a few months back.Then she said that she saw my message about me having a crush on my manager, but being glad that I could overcome the attraction especially now that I had a girlfriend. I was in turmoil over how she had seen such an ugly side of me. How could she hold on to those words of mine, taken out of context, spoken months ago when I barely remembered them, and yet still consider me her partner? Yet she kept trying to talk to me and calm me down, even after dropping that huge bomb on me.She grabbed my elbow. I pulled away. She held tighter. I pulled more. She told me it hurt. I kept pulling. Then she suddenly let go and walked off in a huff.I asked her what she was doing, and she said I could go home and work by myself. I sat there as she walked off, and eventually went to find her. There, she told me that she felt jealous of my manager and hated whenever I brought her up. And that's why she kept asking me to quit for the past few months.Now I was wondering if I should even let her have such control over my life, but the next bomb was to come: She said I had dealt physical abuse to her by pulling away so forcefully, and it reminded her of her previous boyfriend. She said she couldn't tolerate such behaviour from anyone, then went home in a Grab.But we kept messaging. She told me she was scared, she was terrified, she was stuttering when she talked to me. She didn't recognise me as the same person she dated any more. A man shouldn't use force on a woman like that under any circumstances. I behaved like her previous boyfriend and that's the truth.These are all quoted from her.And she never acknowledged the betrayal I felt when she dug through my messages. Again. She said she would let me read through her messages to others, but I refused to. I always refused to, even when she read them out to me.I keep telling myself it's the depression. But she sees things in black and white, maybe because of a traumatic childhood. When someone treats her badly once, it's done. They're an oppressor. They're a threat. I kept trying to tell her I would never have just her, but now I'm just a threat to her brain even if her mind is trying to think otherwise.She said she never wants to see me again, or confide in me, or criticise me. Or let me hug or kiss her again.We had many other issues, but I never would have guessed this was how we might break up.