I'm not sure if I know what love feels like, but I think I'm falling in a deep pit that will only end up hurting me more

In my life I've only ever experienced crushes that never led anywhere, after I graduated high school I kinda just gave up the idea and sorta stopped myself from ever catching crushes on anyone, let alone fall in love. I figured if someone liked me I'd catch on, and if not I'd be none the worse. But unfortunately I think Ive gone off the deep end it's just making me feel like shit.

I went to college for 1 semester then dropped out do to lack of motivation to do, well, anything I guess. I picked up a "part time" that's anything but. I'm worked to death for absolute garbage pay, but I do it because I'm not doing anything else. Working there is a girl I've know since middle school. I'm not gonna say I bullied her, but I was an ass thats for sure. I was an ass to everyone back then. After middle school we kinda went to different high schools and that was that.

We met again finally here at work and after a while all awkwardness was gone and we are friends. But, idk, I feel way different. After months of talking to her we have so much in common it's ridiculous. If there is a god, he made a perfect copy of me and put it in a female. She's beautiful, though my coworkers say differently, they're blind. But her looks aren't what drive me in. It's everything about her. Just being around her gives me a reason to keep going despite not having one for myself. But of course life isn't that cut and dry. She has a boyfriend of 1 year and they live together, not out of choice but necessity. I don't want to be the catalyst for a breakup, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish for it as shitty as that sounds.

I don't want to admit that Im in love with her to myself, I'm not even sure what love feels like. All I know is that my days are shitty when she's not around and she's all I think about. She even sneaks her way into my dreams sometimes. I have no appetite for anything anymore either. Idk, there isnt a human on earth I could confide this in irl, I'm too ashamed. I know she has a boyfriend that she loves so I keep a healthy distance and don't make any indications whatsoever that I'm interested out of fear of losing what little connection I have to her.

Im not sure what to do. My brain is at war with itself between whether to forget about her or to never give up on her. My predisposition to loneliness nudges me more towards forgetting about her, but never in my 20 years of life has someone made me feel this way. This whole predicament just makes me feels so worthless and empty. Like being teased with pure gold. Idk

Submitted June 25, 2019 at 11:27PM

In my life I've only ever experienced crushes that never led anywhere, after I graduated high school I kinda just gave up the idea and sorta stopped myself from ever catching crushes on anyone, let alone fall in love. I figured if someone liked me I'd catch on, and if not I'd be none the worse. But unfortunately I think Ive gone off the deep end it's just making me feel like shit.I went to college for 1 semester then dropped out do to lack of motivation to do, well, anything I guess. I picked up a "part time" that's anything but. I'm worked to death for absolute garbage pay, but I do it because I'm not doing anything else. Working there is a girl I've know since middle school. I'm not gonna say I bullied her, but I was an ass thats for sure. I was an ass to everyone back then. After middle school we kinda went to different high schools and that was that.We met again finally here at work and after a while all awkwardness was gone and we are friends. But, idk, I feel way different. After months of talking to her we have so much in common it's ridiculous. If there is a god, he made a perfect copy of me and put it in a female. She's beautiful, though my coworkers say differently, they're blind. But her looks aren't what drive me in. It's everything about her. Just being around her gives me a reason to keep going despite not having one for myself. But of course life isn't that cut and dry. She has a boyfriend of 1 year and they live together, not out of choice but necessity. I don't want to be the catalyst for a breakup, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish for it as shitty as that sounds.I don't want to admit that Im in love with her to myself, I'm not even sure what love feels like. All I know is that my days are shitty when she's not around and she's all I think about. She even sneaks her way into my dreams sometimes. I have no appetite for anything anymore either. Idk, there isnt a human on earth I could confide this in irl, I'm too ashamed. I know she has a boyfriend that she loves so I keep a healthy distance and don't make any indications whatsoever that I'm interested out of fear of losing what little connection I have to her.Im not sure what to do. My brain is at war with itself between whether to forget about her or to never give up on her. My predisposition to loneliness nudges me more towards forgetting about her, but never in my 20 years of life has someone made me feel this way. This whole predicament just makes me feels so worthless and empty. Like being teased with pure gold. Idk