I’m about to lose my “second” virginity and I have no idea what I’m doing, help

I lost my virginity years ago but later found out what happened is considered rape. That relationship was very sexually abusive and I didn’t realize it because nobody had ever taught me about sex. My then-bf was the one who gave me “the talk” and ended up being coercive and raping me more than once. I thought those things were normal for the duration of the relationship, but once I learned otherwise I broke up with him, which was late last year. We were together for three years before that. I’m 21 now and I have learned a lot about consent. I’m female btw sorry forgot to mention that. It was traumatizing and sex with my ex used to give me panic attacks and/or make me cry every time. Masturbation has that effect most times. I found a guy I really like, we made out, same effect (he was understanding cause he knows what happened to me). We didn’t even finish our make out session cause I freaked.

This guy I like is super fucking hot. I’m into him but neither of us are ready for a relationship and he’s about to be deployed to another country for a year (he’s army). We talked about keeping our little situationship up until he gets back. I told him I wanna take a big step and have sex with him before he leaves. He said he’d love to as long as I’m sure about it. I trust this man with my life and I know he isn’t going to hurt me. But there are a whole slew of concerns that come with this.

The way my ex used to have sex with me wasn’t even real sex, he used me like a sex doll. I was never a part of it, it would hurt every time and sometimes bleed. The only thing I do well is handjobs and that’s because I’ve researched that religiously. I’m clueless on everything else.

I’m embarrassed because I don’t know how to have sex.

For example: When the new guy I like was making out with me everything started out so natural but then he rolled me over on top of him and I froze, I had no idea what to do from there. I kept kissing him but felt so awkward I ended up rolling off and pulling him onto me instead. He started grinding on me so I started thinking maybe that was what I was supposed to have done earlier? He later ended up rolling us around to get me on top again so I tried to do the grinding thing but I wasn’t doing it right. He adjusted me slightly which helped but it was just awkward. Then sometimes he’d run his hands through my hair and tug slightly (not to where it would hurt but just a little). That turned me on so much, I didn’t even know people did that sort of thing!! But I didn’t know what to do, so I just did it back to him. Which looking back seems kinda weird and idk what I should’ve done instead.

He ended up moving my hands above my head while he was grinding on me and that was hot but I didn’t know what to do then either cause I know people say they hate when the woman lays like a fish in bed. I didn’t wanna be still and boring but I was at a loss.

Then he started kissing my neck and that was wonderful too! But I didn’t know what to do cause I can’t kiss his neck while he’s kissing mine and I realized I probably shouldn’t just be copying everything he does. I get so shy in the moment I don’t want to ask. So I just started just rubbing his back like a dummy.

After that he started rubbing outside my clothes over my lady bits downstairs. I wanted to reach for his dick but I got nervous and just didn’t do anything. We ended up having to stop anyway but I wonder what my next move would’ve been or what I should’ve done. Or how it progresses to actual sex and when penetration happens.

With my ex it was really like a maximum of sixty seconds of very rough fingering while I gave him a HJ and then he’d shove his dick in me and go hog wild for two more minutes sometimes less. It was never a smooth transition and it was never fun. It was in frames like okay “foreplay,” okay we are done with that, okay let’s put it in, then we fuck. This experience with making out with this new guy was more fun than any sex I’ve ever had. There were no frames, just us getting closer, gentle touches turning into soft kisses, turning up the intensity gradually and it felt so lovable. I felt like I was there with him and not like I was being used by him. I wanna get this right.

This is monumental for me overcoming what happened to me but I also wanna please him. He has a body count of seven and a ton of experience. He knows what he’s doing and he’s good at it. I would like to impress him if I can but I’d honestly settle for not coming off like an awkward, nervous 16 year old. There’s a huge chance I’ll have a panic attack as well but he knows this. Tips for that are welcome too.

I can’t wait to do this. I just don’t know how to have sex.

Submitted May 28, 2021 at 12:13AM

I lost my virginity years ago but later found out what happened is considered rape. That relationship was very sexually abusive and I didn’t realize it because nobody had ever taught me about sex. My then-bf was the one who gave me “the talk” and ended up being coercive and raping me more than once. I thought those things were normal for the duration of the relationship, but once I learned otherwise I broke up with him, which was late last year. We were together for three years before that. I’m 21 now and I have learned a lot about consent. I’m female btw sorry forgot to mention that. It was traumatizing and sex with my ex used to give me panic attacks and/or make me cry every time. Masturbation has that effect most times. I found a guy I really like, we made out, same effect (he was understanding cause he knows what happened to me). We didn’t even finish our make out session cause I freaked.This guy I like is super fucking hot. I’m into him but neither of us are ready for a relationship and he’s about to be deployed to another country for a year (he’s army). We talked about keeping our little situationship up until he gets back. I told him I wanna take a big step and have sex with him before he leaves. He said he’d love to as long as I’m sure about it. I trust this man with my life and I know he isn’t going to hurt me. But there are a whole slew of concerns that come with this.The way my ex used to have sex with me wasn’t even real sex, he used me like a sex doll. I was never a part of it, it would hurt every time and sometimes bleed. The only thing I do well is handjobs and that’s because I’ve researched that religiously. I’m clueless on everything else.I’m embarrassed because I don’t know how to have sex.For example: When the new guy I like was making out with me everything started out so natural but then he rolled me over on top of him and I froze, I had no idea what to do from there. I kept kissing him but felt so awkward I ended up rolling off and pulling him onto me instead. He started grinding on me so I started thinking maybe that was what I was supposed to have done earlier? He later ended up rolling us around to get me on top again so I tried to do the grinding thing but I wasn’t doing it right. He adjusted me slightly which helped but it was just awkward. Then sometimes he’d run his hands through my hair and tug slightly (not to where it would hurt but just a little). That turned me on so much, I didn’t even know people did that sort of thing!! But I didn’t know what to do, so I just did it back to him. Which looking back seems kinda weird and idk what I should’ve done instead.He ended up moving my hands above my head while he was grinding on me and that was hot but I didn’t know what to do then either cause I know people say they hate when the woman lays like a fish in bed. I didn’t wanna be still and boring but I was at a loss.Then he started kissing my neck and that was wonderful too! But I didn’t know what to do cause I can’t kiss his neck while he’s kissing mine and I realized I probably shouldn’t just be copying everything he does. I get so shy in the moment I don’t want to ask. So I just started just rubbing his back like a dummy.After that he started rubbing outside my clothes over my lady bits downstairs. I wanted to reach for his dick but I got nervous and just didn’t do anything. We ended up having to stop anyway but I wonder what my next move would’ve been or what I should’ve done. Or how it progresses to actual sex and when penetration happens.With my ex it was really like a maximum of sixty seconds of very rough fingering while I gave him a HJ and then he’d shove his dick in me and go hog wild for two more minutes sometimes less. It was never a smooth transition and it was never fun. It was in frames like okay “foreplay,” okay we are done with that, okay let’s put it in, then we fuck. This experience with making out with this new guy was more fun than any sex I’ve ever had. There were no frames, just us getting closer, gentle touches turning into soft kisses, turning up the intensity gradually and it felt so lovable. I felt like I was there with him and not like I was being used by him. I wanna get this right.This is monumental for me overcoming what happened to me but I also wanna please him. He has a body count of seven and a ton of experience. He knows what he’s doing and he’s good at it. I would like to impress him if I can but I’d honestly settle for not coming off like an awkward, nervous 16 year old. There’s a huge chance I’ll have a panic attack as well but he knows this. Tips for that are welcome too.I can’t wait to do this. I just don’t know how to have sex.