How I interpret my own rape fantasies

When I get into a cycle of bad habits (e.g. binge eating) and become low self-esteem, especially attraction-wise, I don't feel worthy of the normal healthy attention, respect, and desire I expect and feel worthy of when I am doing well.

Therefore the only conceivable way anyone would want to fuck me is if it was completely devoid of anything positive or personal. Like the only way I can then conceive of a guy wanting to fuck me is if he was the type to say "might as well use/get that worthless piece of shit pregnant, because there's nothing better to do right now". In those low moments, I feel I don't conjure up enough lust from respectable men for any of them to fight for me (romantically, long term), so the only type of person willing to fuck me would be a lowly rapist.

In those low self-esteem, low-worth moments, I can't masturbate to the idea of someone who desires me both lovingly and sexually, because it is unfathomable, and it is my fault.

Having a guilty conscious (or anything that results in low self-esteem) can have a similar effect.

While I'm on the topic, I'm pushing off a second date (for the record, we didn't have sex, lots of fun conversation) because I re-entered a binge cycle I had escaped from for months. I feel like, he saw me at my best, and I can't be this lesser person than he signed up for in good conscious. I'd feel undesirable and not worth his time. I'd rather do what I need to do to get on a healthy track again, not force myself into a second date I'd be uncomfortable, guilty, and inherently anxious on.

We had fun on the first date and he's a good guy, but I have no desire to make someone be around me when I'm in this overall state.

Sorry if this isn't a typical r/sex post. It felt relevant to me.

Submitted May 28, 2021 at 12:22AM

When I get into a cycle of bad habits (e.g. binge eating) and become low self-esteem, especially attraction-wise, I don't feel worthy of the normal healthy attention, respect, and desire I expect and feel worthy of when I am doing well.Therefore the only conceivable way anyone would want to fuck me is if it was completely devoid of anything positive or personal. Like the only way I can then conceive of a guy wanting to fuck me is if he was the type to say "might as well use/get that worthless piece of shit pregnant, because there's nothing better to do right now". In those low moments, I feel I don't conjure up enough lust from respectable men for any of them to fight for me (romantically, long term), so the only type of person willing to fuck me would be a lowly rapist.In those low self-esteem, low-worth moments, I can't masturbate to the idea of someone who desires me both lovingly and sexually, because it is unfathomable, and it is my fault.Having a guilty conscious (or anything that results in low self-esteem) can have a similar effect.While I'm on the topic, I'm pushing off a second date (for the record, we didn't have sex, lots of fun conversation) because I re-entered a binge cycle I had escaped from for months. I feel like, he saw me at my best, and I can't be this lesser person than he signed up for in good conscious. I'd feel undesirable and not worth his time. I'd rather do what I need to do to get on a healthy track again, not force myself into a second date I'd be uncomfortable, guilty, and inherently anxious on.We had fun on the first date and he's a good guy, but I have no desire to make someone be around me when I'm in this overall state.Sorry if this isn't a typical r/sex post. It felt relevant to me.