Feeling sad wasting so much time on the wrong guy

I (29F) met a man (33M) more than 2 years ago when he just got out of a long term relationship. We dated for two months but then he faded away. He said he wasn't ready. After that we met like friends off and on, but quite infrequently. He then went back to his ex for like a month but they broke up eventually. He entered into my life again as a friend and we did have sex. (I know it sounds horrible! but I didn't meet anyone else interesting and I wasn't looking for something serious at the time because of my own life uncertainties). Also I started a business that year and he helped me a lot with it. He is quite intelligent and I thought it’s beneficial to keep him in my life to ask about business strategies and asked him to do some projects for me. (and I did also hope maybe he’ll change his mind and realized how great I am…)

Later last year my life and situation became more stable and I decided that I do want a committed relationship. So I know I had to cut him off and I didn’t talk to him for two months. January this year I asked him to help my cousin with a project so I took both of them out for dinner (it actually really wasn’t an excuse to see him again). Also I started another business so I was quite excited to tell him my endeavor. After dinner and when my cousin left, he told me he wants to see me again and that he is really into me. He said he finds me very physically attractive, and he also really likes that I am ambitious, driven and has been doing interesting things. He said he likes our conversations and spending time with me. I basically told him in his face that I don’t believe a thing that he said, because he rarely asked me out in the past two years. He said he is no longer depressed and feels much happier and he wants to be with me. I was actually quite shocked about what he said as I really thought he wasn’t into me.

I said I no longer want to be in ambiguous situations and I want to date and see how things go. He said he thought about dating but sometimes he is still unsure because he is very busy with work, and concerned he might not be enough for me (not spending enough time, giving me attention etc). I said no pressure and we could try dating. We started real dating after two years. In the next two months it was quite good. We took a trip together, he planned dates with me, invited me to meet his friends, and he was traveling every week but every weekend when he gets back to our city we meet in person. I genuinely believed he was very busy with work and he also bought a vacation property in another city and had to renovate it. I did feel he likes my company but didn’t make a big effort. For example, he invited me to spend valentine’s day and said let’s make a romantic home cooked meal and taste his wine collection. Then the day came and it was 8pm and he still hasn’t finished work. So I had to buy groceries and I went over to his place. He was still working on his computer and his place was a mess. He then had to clean in a hurry so I basically cooked dinner by myself. I didn’t mind doing it but things like that happened a lot and I did want him to plan some interesting dates and make me feel special.

When covid-19 hits, I felt he asked me out less but we kept texting. One day he told me over text he had eye pain and maybe he needed to see a doctor. So I called him immediately, and he didn’t pick up(we don’t do phone calls often. We did talk on the phone but it’s usually related to my business matters). I waited three days for him to call me back and when he didn’t, I asked him whether he was OK, and that I care about him and miss his voice. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from me. I tried to call him one day later and he didn’t pick up.

At this time we haven’t met for 10 days so I guess I got nervous. I sent a long text and asked why he didn’t want phone calls, and I said I tried to get to know him on deeper level but feels he shut me out). He didn’t respond and disappeared for like 2 weeks. I was very angry at this point and I confronted him over text about how could he just disappear like that. He then called me and spoke like an hour with me on the phone. He told me how the covid 19 really affected him. He had to take a pay cut, two houses with mortgage pressure, sold his stocks, feels the world is burning…and being an introvert, he deals with pressure by withdrawing. I asked whether he withdrew before on his girlfriends and he said he did. I told him I wouldn’t change a thing about him but this withdrawing without notifying me—I didn’t like it and he has to change (this withdrawal also happened couple of times in the past two years). I also asked how he feels about me. I said I feel we are not meeting very often, and it feels that he is not making an effort. He said he feels we are super compatible and gets along very well in some things. Though on some other things not much. I told him I wasn’t looking to get married any time soon but I do want a committed relationship. I said I don’t want to be the girl who got strung along while he waits for someone better. He told me that’s not the case and he wasn’t dating/seeing anyone else and it was only me. He said he is not sure and asked whether it’s OK that I give him more time to sort out things.

Toward the end of phone call, I invited him for a sunday hike. He happily agreed but backed out on Sunday. I reflected on the time I have known him and I felt I became a doormat because he did disappear (he called it withdrawal) couple of times and I just took him back. I felt I should establish some boundaries. So I told him I hope he could find a way to notify me next time he wants to withdraw. If he does it again, I will leave him and won’t forgive him. He said that’s fair but we didn’t talk more after. A few days later I sent him a text basically asking whether we are still dating or whether we should call things off to date other people. I said I want to build a committed relationship with him but if not, I’ll find someone else. That was two weeks ago and he never responded.

I felt stupid sending the last text because I think his “not sure” means he doesn’t want it. And yet I sent that emotional text and asked again, I actually started downloading dating apps after I sent that text. But I still felt quite sad. Also with the Covid-19 situation, it’s almost impossible to meet new people. That just makes it harder for me to move on.

Submitted April 23, 2020 at 11:33PM

I (29F) met a man (33M) more than 2 years ago when he just got out of a long term relationship. We dated for two months but then he faded away. He said he wasn't ready. After that we met like friends off and on, but quite infrequently. He then went back to his ex for like a month but they broke up eventually. He entered into my life again as a friend and we did have sex. (I know it sounds horrible! but I didn't meet anyone else interesting and I wasn't looking for something serious at the time because of my own life uncertainties). Also I started a business that year and he helped me a lot with it. He is quite intelligent and I thought it’s beneficial to keep him in my life to ask about business strategies and asked him to do some projects for me. (and I did also hope maybe he’ll change his mind and realized how great I am…)Later last year my life and situation became more stable and I decided that I do want a committed relationship. So I know I had to cut him off and I didn’t talk to him for two months. January this year I asked him to help my cousin with a project so I took both of them out for dinner (it actually really wasn’t an excuse to see him again). Also I started another business so I was quite excited to tell him my endeavor. After dinner and when my cousin left, he told me he wants to see me again and that he is really into me. He said he finds me very physically attractive, and he also really likes that I am ambitious, driven and has been doing interesting things. He said he likes our conversations and spending time with me. I basically told him in his face that I don’t believe a thing that he said, because he rarely asked me out in the past two years. He said he is no longer depressed and feels much happier and he wants to be with me. I was actually quite shocked about what he said as I really thought he wasn’t into me.I said I no longer want to be in ambiguous situations and I want to date and see how things go. He said he thought about dating but sometimes he is still unsure because he is very busy with work, and concerned he might not be enough for me (not spending enough time, giving me attention etc). I said no pressure and we could try dating. We started real dating after two years. In the next two months it was quite good. We took a trip together, he planned dates with me, invited me to meet his friends, and he was traveling every week but every weekend when he gets back to our city we meet in person. I genuinely believed he was very busy with work and he also bought a vacation property in another city and had to renovate it. I did feel he likes my company but didn’t make a big effort. For example, he invited me to spend valentine’s day and said let’s make a romantic home cooked meal and taste his wine collection. Then the day came and it was 8pm and he still hasn’t finished work. So I had to buy groceries and I went over to his place. He was still working on his computer and his place was a mess. He then had to clean in a hurry so I basically cooked dinner by myself. I didn’t mind doing it but things like that happened a lot and I did want him to plan some interesting dates and make me feel special.When covid-19 hits, I felt he asked me out less but we kept texting. One day he told me over text he had eye pain and maybe he needed to see a doctor. So I called him immediately, and he didn’t pick up(we don’t do phone calls often. We did talk on the phone but it’s usually related to my business matters). I waited three days for him to call me back and when he didn’t, I asked him whether he was OK, and that I care about him and miss his voice. He said he was surprised he didn’t hear from me. I tried to call him one day later and he didn’t pick up.At this time we haven’t met for 10 days so I guess I got nervous. I sent a long text and asked why he didn’t want phone calls, and I said I tried to get to know him on deeper level but feels he shut me out). He didn’t respond and disappeared for like 2 weeks. I was very angry at this point and I confronted him over text about how could he just disappear like that. He then called me and spoke like an hour with me on the phone. He told me how the covid 19 really affected him. He had to take a pay cut, two houses with mortgage pressure, sold his stocks, feels the world is burning…and being an introvert, he deals with pressure by withdrawing. I asked whether he withdrew before on his girlfriends and he said he did. I told him I wouldn’t change a thing about him but this withdrawing without notifying me—I didn’t like it and he has to change (this withdrawal also happened couple of times in the past two years). I also asked how he feels about me. I said I feel we are not meeting very often, and it feels that he is not making an effort. He said he feels we are super compatible and gets along very well in some things. Though on some other things not much. I told him I wasn’t looking to get married any time soon but I do want a committed relationship. I said I don’t want to be the girl who got strung along while he waits for someone better. He told me that’s not the case and he wasn’t dating/seeing anyone else and it was only me. He said he is not sure and asked whether it’s OK that I give him more time to sort out things.Toward the end of phone call, I invited him for a sunday hike. He happily agreed but backed out on Sunday. I reflected on the time I have known him and I felt I became a doormat because he did disappear (he called it withdrawal) couple of times and I just took him back. I felt I should establish some boundaries. So I told him I hope he could find a way to notify me next time he wants to withdraw. If he does it again, I will leave him and won’t forgive him. He said that’s fair but we didn’t talk more after. A few days later I sent him a text basically asking whether we are still dating or whether we should call things off to date other people. I said I want to build a committed relationship with him but if not, I’ll find someone else. That was two weeks ago and he never responded.I felt stupid sending the last text because I think his “not sure” means he doesn’t want it. And yet I sent that emotional text and asked again, I actually started downloading dating apps after I sent that text. But I still felt quite sad. Also with the Covid-19 situation, it’s almost impossible to meet new people. That just makes it harder for me to move on.