My (22 F) little brother (15 M) said some homophobic things recently and I don’t know how to approach a conversation with him about it

My little brother and I have never been super close, mostly because of the age gap (7 years) and because neither or us really share any interests. But I've always tried to be encouraging when he approaches me with something because our parents aren't known to be the best when it comes to crisis management, and I want him to feel like he has a better support network than I did when I was his age.

Recently he showed me a tiktok that he made, and to be honest I did not understand it. But I wanted to jump on this chance to be supportive, so when I was searching around the screen for something to compliment I noticed that he had tagged it with "theaterisgay." I know this is probably something pretty minor to a lot of people, but I am very not-so-subtly gay, although I haven't said it in as many words to my family yet, and to see him use my sexuality as an insult hurt me. And one of his friends does theater!! What the hell does he think his friend is going to think when he sees that?!

I've had discussions with him before about inappropriate things that he and his friends have done as "jokes" but are actually quite frankly bullying, but my parents have a sort of "boys will be boys" attitude about the whole thing that ticks me the fuck off. I get framed as a sort of social justice sword swinging special snowflake who can't take a joke. If I approached him privately he would probably tell our parents what I said later, and I am afraid that they wouldn't be quite as saddened to see him using this language as I am. And if I approached my parents first in the hopes they'd do something about it I'm worried he would never trust me again.

How do I let him know that it's not okay to make jokes at the expense of others and to not use words like "gay" as an insult? I don't know how to get through to him without being dismissed as over-sensitive. I also worry that peer pressure is a hell of a drug and that if his social environment at school is promoting this behavior I don't stand a chance.

TLDR; I found out that my teenage brother has been using gay as a derogatory term and I suspect that that's not the full extent of this sort of prejudiced behavior. How do I have a discussion with him about how even things that seem like minor jokes can have real effects on the people who belong to the communities being made fun of?



Submitted March 16, 2020 at 12:26AM

My little brother and I have never been super close, mostly because of the age gap (7 years) and because neither or us really share any interests. But I've always tried to be encouraging when he approaches me with something because our parents aren't known to be the best when it comes to crisis management, and I want him to feel like he has a better support network than I did when I was his age.Recently he showed me a tiktok that he made, and to be honest I did not understand it. But I wanted to jump on this chance to be supportive, so when I was searching around the screen for something to compliment I noticed that he had tagged it with "theaterisgay." I know this is probably something pretty minor to a lot of people, but I am very not-so-subtly gay, although I haven't said it in as many words to my family yet, and to see him use my sexuality as an insult hurt me. And one of his friends does theater!! What the hell does he think his friend is going to think when he sees that?!I've had discussions with him before about inappropriate things that he and his friends have done as "jokes" but are actually quite frankly bullying, but my parents have a sort of "boys will be boys" attitude about the whole thing that ticks me the fuck off. I get framed as a sort of social justice sword swinging special snowflake who can't take a joke. If I approached him privately he would probably tell our parents what I said later, and I am afraid that they wouldn't be quite as saddened to see him using this language as I am. And if I approached my parents first in the hopes they'd do something about it I'm worried he would never trust me again.How do I let him know that it's not okay to make jokes at the expense of others and to not use words like "gay" as an insult? I don't know how to get through to him without being dismissed as over-sensitive. I also worry that peer pressure is a hell of a drug and that if his social environment at school is promoting this behavior I don't stand a chance.TLDR; I found out that my teenage brother has been using gay as a derogatory term and I suspect that that's not the full extent of this sort of prejudiced behavior. How do I have a discussion with him about how even things that seem like minor jokes can have real effects on the people who belong to the communities being made fun of?
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