Crippling and addictive case of retroactive jealousy

I have a crippling case of Retroactive Jealousy and I’m addicted

Tl;dr at end. : I 32F and partner 36F

I’ve come to realize I had a strong case of retroactive jealousy. Meaning I have intense jealousy about my partners previous relationships.

I’ve done this in every relationship I’ve every been in. I could tell you the name of every single ex my partner has had, know what they look like, have poured over their social media accounts, etc. And I could do this for every relationship I’ve been in. It has nothing to do with my actual partner, I’ve done it with every partner I’ve had.

I’m desperate to know, “what really happened” and “get to the bottom of it”. “Was she better in bed?” , “did you love her”, “did you think she was attractive”. My favourite thing would be to find an inconsistency in her story. Or even better, find a pic of them together on a social site.

Once I have all the info, and seen all the pictures, I imagine a constructed relationship between them. It stings bc they are perfect and in my mind she loves them more . In my mind she wants them and settled for me. I can imagine them having sex, she likes sex with them better. It’s like I’m right there.

It makes me so angry, but it also gives me some kind of an adrenaline hit. Like a drug.

The weird thing is, I’m not jealous about other things a lot of people would be. I don’t worry my partner will cheat, I don’t worry about the potential of them meeting someone new.

The thing about it is, it’s so complicated. Like a multi headed snake; once I think I’ve identified a potential motive for my behavior, I realize there’s an other triggered wound or ego stroke I get from it.

I mean, obviously there are some deep seeded insecurities at play. But another part, is that it’s so fucking interesting.

It’s better than the bachelorette, it’s a real life drama playing out in front of me. It’s literally NEVER boring. And a lot of my online stalking happens when honestly, I’m bored.

AND - in a way, I think I like to feel like my partner is desired by many. Like, I hate it, but I like it?

I mean , don’t get me wrong , I HATE IT, I get super jealous and really angry when I fixate in these exes. I can convince myself my anger has merit, how dare she keep that ex on Instagram, how dare she disrespect me by liking that picture of her exes cat. But obviously I must like it, or I wouldn’t do it.

Maybe I like to spice it up? Maybe I like to feel like everyone wants my sexy partner? Maybe I’m just bored ? Maybe I’m just insecure? Maybe I’m just fucking crazy?

Tl;dr : real bad retroactive jealousy in every relationship I’ve ever been in

Submitted March 28, 2020 at 12:03AM

I have a crippling case of Retroactive Jealousy and I’m addictedTl;dr at end. : I 32F and partner 36FI’ve come to realize I had a strong case of retroactive jealousy. Meaning I have intense jealousy about my partners previous relationships.I’ve done this in every relationship I’ve every been in. I could tell you the name of every single ex my partner has had, know what they look like, have poured over their social media accounts, etc. And I could do this for every relationship I’ve been in. It has nothing to do with my actual partner, I’ve done it with every partner I’ve had.I’m desperate to know, “what really happened” and “get to the bottom of it”. “Was she better in bed?” , “did you love her”, “did you think she was attractive”. My favourite thing would be to find an inconsistency in her story. Or even better, find a pic of them together on a social site.Once I have all the info, and seen all the pictures, I imagine a constructed relationship between them. It stings bc they are perfect and in my mind she loves them more . In my mind she wants them and settled for me. I can imagine them having sex, she likes sex with them better. It’s like I’m right there.It makes me so angry, but it also gives me some kind of an adrenaline hit. Like a drug.The weird thing is, I’m not jealous about other things a lot of people would be. I don’t worry my partner will cheat, I don’t worry about the potential of them meeting someone new.The thing about it is, it’s so complicated. Like a multi headed snake; once I think I’ve identified a potential motive for my behavior, I realize there’s an other triggered wound or ego stroke I get from it.I mean, obviously there are some deep seeded insecurities at play. But another part, is that it’s so fucking interesting.It’s better than the bachelorette, it’s a real life drama playing out in front of me. It’s literally NEVER boring. And a lot of my online stalking happens when honestly, I’m bored.AND - in a way, I think I like to feel like my partner is desired by many. Like, I hate it, but I like it?I mean , don’t get me wrong , I HATE IT, I get super jealous and really angry when I fixate in these exes. I can convince myself my anger has merit, how dare she keep that ex on Instagram, how dare she disrespect me by liking that picture of her exes cat. But obviously I must like it, or I wouldn’t do it.Maybe I like to spice it up? Maybe I like to feel like everyone wants my sexy partner? Maybe I’m just bored ? Maybe I’m just insecure? Maybe I’m just fucking crazy?Tl;dr : real bad retroactive jealousy in every relationship I’ve ever been in