Should my finance [34M] run big purchases by me [28F] when it comes to our future home?

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, but I'm curious as to what other couples have arranged regarding finances during an engagement. Should we be able to "tell" each other what do with our individual money?

My [28F] fiance [34M] came home after work today and announced that he is buying a trailer tomorrow. He told me that he wanted to "let me know."

Now, trailer aside, I was frustrated that I am not in on the decision-making process. I let him know that I wasn't sure how I was feeling about how to navigate purchase power before marriage. We are both adults with full-time well-paying jobs and have always been able to buy whatever we wanted unilaterally. However, we are recently engaged (two weeks ago) and now have to adjust to a life together.

Some context: Fiance and I have been together for four years and have lived together on and off, traveled together, have two dogs together (who we both pay for, granted he pays more than 50% of the dog-costs and also had one of the dogs before I met him) and have never had any conflicts about money before. We try to split things as even as possible when it comes to dinners, outings, vacations, etc. Sometimes I pay for entire trips or multiple months' rent in advance; sometimes he buys Costco runs, etc, etc,. I give here, he gives there. Easy.

Now, we are building a home together. A cabin in the woods, totally from scratch. Oh boy, huge amounts of money are coming out of pocket for the land (in his name, he paid for), equipment and tree-cutting costs (he has paid for all), the materials (he paid). All has gone smoothly. He mostly had the final say in these decisions we had only been dating about 6 months when he bought the land. But he has kept me aware of the costs and what he was doing the longer we were together. I have about 40K I am saving for the construction costs. I was very clear that I wanted to be engaged or married before I put money into a cabin in his name on his land. Anyways, we will be finished with the house in August, we are getting married July 31.

Now, he wants to buy a 5K trailer that he claims will be useful for hauling materials but I also suspect that 1. he wants it for hunting and fishing also 2. will try to convince me that it makes sense as he can live in it on the land when he is building the house.

I think that money should be going towards building supplies and/or the wedding. He wanted a courthouse wedding to save money, as a compromise, I said that I would cover 80% of the wedding because it is important to me. I also buy expensive things for myself such as my graduate education, travel without fiance, and an expensive wedding band that I love without telling him.

Now, do I have a claim to what he "can" and "cannot" buy? Within the last year I have not dictated his choices when it came to 1. a new (used, cheap) commuter car 2. a boat that he bought 3. new phone etc. But this is getting out of control. 5K for a trailer???

He made the point that he is trying to learn how to be married. He wanted to let me know. But he let me know the day before and has already shaken the seller's hand. I explained to him that he only told me he was going to buy it to make himself feel better about buying this huge piece of equipment he knows I don't agree with (I have said no to the trailer in the past).

Should we be "asking" for permission for such large purchases?

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TL;DR! Should Fiance run a 5K trailer by me that is for our house-building project? Can I say no to the trailer? Its his money...

Submitted January 23, 2020 at 10:52PM

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, but I'm curious as to what other couples have arranged regarding finances during an engagement. Should we be able to "tell" each other what do with our individual money?My [28F] fiance [34M] came home after work today and announced that he is buying a trailer tomorrow. He told me that he wanted to "let me know."Now, trailer aside, I was frustrated that I am not in on the decision-making process. I let him know that I wasn't sure how I was feeling about how to navigate purchase power before marriage. We are both adults with full-time well-paying jobs and have always been able to buy whatever we wanted unilaterally. However, we are recently engaged (two weeks ago) and now have to adjust to a life together.Some context: Fiance and I have been together for four years and have lived together on and off, traveled together, have two dogs together (who we both pay for, granted he pays more than 50% of the dog-costs and also had one of the dogs before I met him) and have never had any conflicts about money before. We try to split things as even as possible when it comes to dinners, outings, vacations, etc. Sometimes I pay for entire trips or multiple months' rent in advance; sometimes he buys Costco runs, etc, etc,. I give here, he gives there. Easy.Now, we are building a home together. A cabin in the woods, totally from scratch. Oh boy, huge amounts of money are coming out of pocket for the land (in his name, he paid for), equipment and tree-cutting costs (he has paid for all), the materials (he paid). All has gone smoothly. He mostly had the final say in these decisions we had only been dating about 6 months when he bought the land. But he has kept me aware of the costs and what he was doing the longer we were together. I have about 40K I am saving for the construction costs. I was very clear that I wanted to be engaged or married before I put money into a cabin in his name on his land. Anyways, we will be finished with the house in August, we are getting married July 31.Now, he wants to buy a 5K trailer that he claims will be useful for hauling materials but I also suspect that 1. he wants it for hunting and fishing also 2. will try to convince me that it makes sense as he can live in it on the land when he is building the house.I think that money should be going towards building supplies and/or the wedding. He wanted a courthouse wedding to save money, as a compromise, I said that I would cover 80% of the wedding because it is important to me. I also buy expensive things for myself such as my graduate education, travel without fiance, and an expensive wedding band that I love without telling him.Now, do I have a claim to what he "can" and "cannot" buy? Within the last year I have not dictated his choices when it came to 1. a new (used, cheap) commuter car 2. a boat that he bought 3. new phone etc. But this is getting out of control. 5K for a trailer???He made the point that he is trying to learn how to be married. He wanted to let me know. But he let me know the day before and has already shaken the seller's hand. I explained to him that he only told me he was going to buy it to make himself feel better about buying this huge piece of equipment he knows I don't agree with (I have said no to the trailer in the past).Should we be "asking" for permission for such large purchases?​TL;DR! Should Fiance run a 5K trailer by me that is for our house-building project? Can I say no to the trailer? Its his money...