I [22F] don’t know who I am anymore and it’s affecting my relationship with my boyfriend [27M]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time posting. I’m on mobile so bare with me.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we just moved in together a few months ago. He’s my first real relationship and I love him dearly.

Since I dropped out of college a few years ago I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am. I often make excuses for myself and others and give up very easily when things become hard. I’ve had anxiety for many years which has been helped slightly by therapy but still consumes my behavior. I care too much about what others think of me and crave validation from others. I have low-self esteem and a huge fear of losing people.

I believe this stems from childhood. I was a “problem child” in school, so much so that the school requested I be medicated. Instead of putting me on medication my mother would lecture me every day for hours anytime I did something wrong. I know she was trying to help me but it has made me into a person who expects to fail and shuts people out when I feel criticized.

My boyfriend has been very patient with me and has called me out on my poor behavior for which many years my family has excused me from. It’s pushing us apart though, him feeling that he can’t connect to me because I don’t know myself and me being frustrated that I’m not understood nor do I understand myself.

I would love some advice on how to deal with this. I would love to hear better ways to cope with this intense anxiety and fear I have of people criticizing me and how to discover myself. Thank you.

tl;dr: My boyfriend feels disconnected from me because I don’t know who I am.



Submitted January 23, 2020 at 10:49PM

Hi all,Long time lurker, first time posting. I’m on mobile so bare with me.I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we just moved in together a few months ago. He’s my first real relationship and I love him dearly.Since I dropped out of college a few years ago I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am. I often make excuses for myself and others and give up very easily when things become hard. I’ve had anxiety for many years which has been helped slightly by therapy but still consumes my behavior. I care too much about what others think of me and crave validation from others. I have low-self esteem and a huge fear of losing people.I believe this stems from childhood. I was a “problem child” in school, so much so that the school requested I be medicated. Instead of putting me on medication my mother would lecture me every day for hours anytime I did something wrong. I know she was trying to help me but it has made me into a person who expects to fail and shuts people out when I feel criticized.My boyfriend has been very patient with me and has called me out on my poor behavior for which many years my family has excused me from. It’s pushing us apart though, him feeling that he can’t connect to me because I don’t know myself and me being frustrated that I’m not understood nor do I understand myself.I would love some advice on how to deal with this. I would love to hear better ways to cope with this intense anxiety and fear I have of people criticizing me and how to discover myself. Thank you.tl;dr: My boyfriend feels disconnected from me because I don’t know who I am.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou
Read more