I [22F] don’t know who I am anymore and it’s affecting my relationship with my boyfriend [27M]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time posting. I’m on mobile so bare with me.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we just moved in together a few months ago. He’s my first real relationship and I love him dearly.

Since I dropped out of college a few years ago I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am. I often make excuses for myself and others and give up very easily when things become hard. I’ve had anxiety for many years which has been helped slightly by therapy but still consumes my behavior. I care too much about what others think of me and crave validation from others. I have low-self esteem and a huge fear of losing people.

I believe this stems from childhood. I was a “problem child” in school, so much so that the school requested I be medicated. Instead of putting me on medication my mother would lecture me every day for hours anytime I did something wrong. I know she was trying to help me but it has made me into a person who expects to fail and shuts people out when I feel criticized.

My boyfriend has been very patient with me and has called me out on my poor behavior for which many years my family has excused me from. It’s pushing us apart though, him feeling that he can’t connect to me because I don’t know myself and me being frustrated that I’m not understood nor do I understand myself.

I would love some advice on how to deal with this. I would love to hear better ways to cope with this intense anxiety and fear I have of people criticizing me and how to discover myself. Thank you.

tl;dr: My boyfriend feels disconnected from me because I don’t know who I am.



Submitted January 23, 2020 at 10:49PM

Hi all,Long time lurker, first time posting. I’m on mobile so bare with me.I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and we just moved in together a few months ago. He’s my first real relationship and I love him dearly.Since I dropped out of college a few years ago I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am. I often make excuses for myself and others and give up very easily when things become hard. I’ve had anxiety for many years which has been helped slightly by therapy but still consumes my behavior. I care too much about what others think of me and crave validation from others. I have low-self esteem and a huge fear of losing people.I believe this stems from childhood. I was a “problem child” in school, so much so that the school requested I be medicated. Instead of putting me on medication my mother would lecture me every day for hours anytime I did something wrong. I know she was trying to help me but it has made me into a person who expects to fail and shuts people out when I feel criticized.My boyfriend has been very patient with me and has called me out on my poor behavior for which many years my family has excused me from. It’s pushing us apart though, him feeling that he can’t connect to me because I don’t know myself and me being frustrated that I’m not understood nor do I understand myself.I would love some advice on how to deal with this. I would love to hear better ways to cope with this intense anxiety and fear I have of people criticizing me and how to discover myself. Thank you.tl;dr: My boyfriend feels disconnected from me because I don’t know who I am.
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