I don't know what to do

Repost -- last one got locked, I think because I forgot to include ages and genders.

I (f, 37) do love my partner (f, 38). We are very good friends and I love her company and her brain. But I am not in love with her and, from my side, the relationship has been a difficult and sometimes lonely one for me during our fifteen years together. What particularly upsets and confuses me is that she seems to think we have the perfect marriage, and I don't understand why.

Most online sources suggest that if you're feeling any doubt about a marriage, your SO will be too. But mine says things to me like "we get better every year, no other couple is as good as us" while cuddling on my shoulder, and I feel so guilty because I don't believe this at all. I don't know how she can think it. I don't want to hurt her, at all, but I am so miserably lonely being married to her sometimes that I want to kill myself.

The thing is that there seems to be no alternative. I tried to break up with her once, back in 2010 or 2011. She accepted it for a day or two, with bad grace, then immediately went back to acting as if nothing had happened. This was after she had complained that we weren't having sex as often as she would have liked (which happened because she suddenly started asking for something in bed which I'd told her I didn't like, but which was now apparently essential for her). I financially could not move out of the shared home. I still couldn't.

I'm also worried that if I tried to leave her and live alone, I'd just be even more lonely and probably off myself.

I have acted out in all kinds of ways during this relationship due to this. I have had affairs; she has forgiven them and said she knows I didn't mean anything by it when I told her. Now I have no sexual drive at all; I would love to be able to go out with old friends (she doesn't like them or going out with them and very early on made me feel guilty about ever wanting to go anywhere. She doesn't want to come with and she doesn't want me to go without her). That's about it.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should have forced the issue and left her a decade ago but I couldn't seem to manage it; she wouldn't let me. Now it feels like it would be a cruelty to force the point again even if it were financially viable. She says she loves me so much and I feel guilty because I don't understand why. I just want to be kissed and touched and loved, not even for sex reasons. I want someone to hold me and kiss me like we're sixteen.

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TL;DR;: I genuinely don't understand how two people can view the same relationship so differently. What can I say to her to get across how I feel? Would it help if I suggested an open relationship?

Submitted January 23, 2020 at 10:45PM

Repost -- last one got locked, I think because I forgot to include ages and genders.I (f, 37) do love my partner (f, 38). We are very good friends and I love her company and her brain. But I am not in love with her and, from my side, the relationship has been a difficult and sometimes lonely one for me during our fifteen years together. What particularly upsets and confuses me is that she seems to think we have the perfect marriage, and I don't understand why.Most online sources suggest that if you're feeling any doubt about a marriage, your SO will be too. But mine says things to me like "we get better every year, no other couple is as good as us" while cuddling on my shoulder, and I feel so guilty because I don't believe this at all. I don't know how she can think it. I don't want to hurt her, at all, but I am so miserably lonely being married to her sometimes that I want to kill myself.The thing is that there seems to be no alternative. I tried to break up with her once, back in 2010 or 2011. She accepted it for a day or two, with bad grace, then immediately went back to acting as if nothing had happened. This was after she had complained that we weren't having sex as often as she would have liked (which happened because she suddenly started asking for something in bed which I'd told her I didn't like, but which was now apparently essential for her). I financially could not move out of the shared home. I still couldn't.I'm also worried that if I tried to leave her and live alone, I'd just be even more lonely and probably off myself.I have acted out in all kinds of ways during this relationship due to this. I have had affairs; she has forgiven them and said she knows I didn't mean anything by it when I told her. Now I have no sexual drive at all; I would love to be able to go out with old friends (she doesn't like them or going out with them and very early on made me feel guilty about ever wanting to go anywhere. She doesn't want to come with and she doesn't want me to go without her). That's about it.I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should have forced the issue and left her a decade ago but I couldn't seem to manage it; she wouldn't let me. Now it feels like it would be a cruelty to force the point again even if it were financially viable. She says she loves me so much and I feel guilty because I don't understand why. I just want to be kissed and touched and loved, not even for sex reasons. I want someone to hold me and kiss me like we're sixteen.---TL;DR;: I genuinely don't understand how two people can view the same relationship so differently. What can I say to her to get across how I feel? Would it help if I suggested an open relationship?