My (37f) husband (40m) is rude to me when stressed out....but is it understandable?

Married 5 years. We are under a lot of stress right now. He lost his job (due to no fault of his own) and we are going through our savings. I'm working, but it's not enough. We've been selling things and he's been going on interviews. A few look promising but nothing has come through yet. So yes, things are stressful. I get it.

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Still though, it's not my fault either. And I do a lot to help our situation (from picking up extra shifts to listing and selling everything to looking after a lot of things we used to outsource such as landscaping). I also do a lot to help my husband, such as taking his suits to the dry cleaners to make sure they are ready for interviews, picking up new shirts for him, driving him to interviews, printing out his resume, etc.

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So I do understand why he's stressed. But I dislike how he talks to me. He speaks to me like I'm an idiot. Or a dumb employee or something. If something goes wrong for him or causes stress and I'm around, he immediately starts questioning me for things I've done "wrong". And it has nothing at all to do with anything happening at that moment. It looks like he's just searching for a reason to get mad at me (I guess taking the stress he feels and looking for a reason to be mad??).

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Ex: his phone is not working well and he's frustrated with it. He's cussing about it and suddenly asks me, "Did you ever make that appointment for me with the dentist?". He knows I didn't (or he should know) because he only just asked me a few hours ago and I haven't had a chance since. Therefore it looks a lot like he's searching for a reason to be mad. This happens a LOT. Or he'll ask "did you ever get ______ fixed?" or "did you ever do this?" or "did you ever do that?". Or even just dumb random things like "why is it so dark in here? I thought you were going to buy another lamp??"

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It's kind of exhausting. And I get annoyed with him, but I usually remind myself he's stressed and under a lot of pressure so to cut him some slack. But the thing is, he's always like this when stressed out....it's just that there's a lot more stress right now.

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How much of this is acceptable due to stress?

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tldr: husband is under a lot of stress but often seems to search for reasons to be mad at me.



Submitted January 23, 2020 at 10:45PM

Married 5 years. We are under a lot of stress right now. He lost his job (due to no fault of his own) and we are going through our savings. I'm working, but it's not enough. We've been selling things and he's been going on interviews. A few look promising but nothing has come through yet. So yes, things are stressful. I get it.​Still though, it's not my fault either. And I do a lot to help our situation (from picking up extra shifts to listing and selling everything to looking after a lot of things we used to outsource such as landscaping). I also do a lot to help my husband, such as taking his suits to the dry cleaners to make sure they are ready for interviews, picking up new shirts for him, driving him to interviews, printing out his resume, etc.​So I do understand why he's stressed. But I dislike how he talks to me. He speaks to me like I'm an idiot. Or a dumb employee or something. If something goes wrong for him or causes stress and I'm around, he immediately starts questioning me for things I've done "wrong". And it has nothing at all to do with anything happening at that moment. It looks like he's just searching for a reason to get mad at me (I guess taking the stress he feels and looking for a reason to be mad??).​Ex: his phone is not working well and he's frustrated with it. He's cussing about it and suddenly asks me, "Did you ever make that appointment for me with the dentist?". He knows I didn't (or he should know) because he only just asked me a few hours ago and I haven't had a chance since. Therefore it looks a lot like he's searching for a reason to be mad. This happens a LOT. Or he'll ask "did you ever get ______ fixed?" or "did you ever do this?" or "did you ever do that?". Or even just dumb random things like "why is it so dark in here? I thought you were going to buy another lamp??"​It's kind of exhausting. And I get annoyed with him, but I usually remind myself he's stressed and under a lot of pressure so to cut him some slack. But the thing is, he's always like this when stressed out....it's just that there's a lot more stress right now.​How much of this is acceptable due to stress?​tldr: husband is under a lot of stress but often seems to search for reasons to be mad at me.
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