My brain is self-sabotaging me

I'm [21f] and my bf if [22m], we have been together a year.

Tldr: I have overthinking tendencies and I don't want them to negatively affect my boyfriend as well as me.

I'm doing really well, usually if I was by myself my head would run wild with overthinking, but I've felt really settled this week, like a weight has been lifted.

But I just felt some worries slipping back in a little and I hate myself for being back on reddit because I don't think it's good for me.

For months I was overthinking a few times where I looked at someone I thought was attractive for a little longer than normal, or another time where I was with a group of new friends and my sister and one of my new friends squirted a syringe shot in my mouth for fun. Basically I've been overthinking these times as if I have betrayed my boyfriend, even though he wouldn't think that.

Last weekend I broke down crying about it on him after he told me to open up; he knows I can get anxiety. And he said what would I feel if the situation was reversed eg with the shot thing, and I said it would be fine (he was showing me it's not a big deal at all). Plus he thought it was adorable and funny that I was stressed about looking at someone too long, but also understood and was so supportive. Honestly he is so bloody great.

I've had a problem with alcohol and the last few months I'm doing great with moderating, I'm proud of myself. But I convince myself things have happened when they haven't and even that I might have cheated on him or hit someone or something like that.

Reddit has warped my mind a bit and I now think he is going to think my crying is some manipulation technique to cover real cheating, when really my brain just likes to cling on the littlest thing and I wouldn't do that. He hasn't changed how he is with me or anything, and I feel if I bring it up more it will make him think it more or make him think he has to be my counsellor or something. But it's just ridiculous I seem so against myself in my head...

The day after the crying we had sex and I had intrusive thoughts during it and my head kept putting his best friends name into it and it was horrible. I had to stop for a minute and go to the bathroom to get it out of my head. I think his friend is good looking but I would never pursue him or anyone else and I love my boyfriend. But it won't even be pictures of him in my head, just his name, like self-sabotage and the more I try to get it out, the more my head keeps it in, it's horrible, I love my boyfriend so much, I really think these are just intrusive thoughts and I don't want them.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like even though I am now calm over the last lot overthinking, something else just replaces it.

Submitted January 16, 2020 at 10:47PM

I'm [21f] and my bf if [22m], we have been together a year.Tldr: I have overthinking tendencies and I don't want them to negatively affect my boyfriend as well as me.I'm doing really well, usually if I was by myself my head would run wild with overthinking, but I've felt really settled this week, like a weight has been lifted.But I just felt some worries slipping back in a little and I hate myself for being back on reddit because I don't think it's good for me.For months I was overthinking a few times where I looked at someone I thought was attractive for a little longer than normal, or another time where I was with a group of new friends and my sister and one of my new friends squirted a syringe shot in my mouth for fun. Basically I've been overthinking these times as if I have betrayed my boyfriend, even though he wouldn't think that.Last weekend I broke down crying about it on him after he told me to open up; he knows I can get anxiety. And he said what would I feel if the situation was reversed eg with the shot thing, and I said it would be fine (he was showing me it's not a big deal at all). Plus he thought it was adorable and funny that I was stressed about looking at someone too long, but also understood and was so supportive. Honestly he is so bloody great.I've had a problem with alcohol and the last few months I'm doing great with moderating, I'm proud of myself. But I convince myself things have happened when they haven't and even that I might have cheated on him or hit someone or something like that.Reddit has warped my mind a bit and I now think he is going to think my crying is some manipulation technique to cover real cheating, when really my brain just likes to cling on the littlest thing and I wouldn't do that. He hasn't changed how he is with me or anything, and I feel if I bring it up more it will make him think it more or make him think he has to be my counsellor or something. But it's just ridiculous I seem so against myself in my head...The day after the crying we had sex and I had intrusive thoughts during it and my head kept putting his best friends name into it and it was horrible. I had to stop for a minute and go to the bathroom to get it out of my head. I think his friend is good looking but I would never pursue him or anyone else and I love my boyfriend. But it won't even be pictures of him in my head, just his name, like self-sabotage and the more I try to get it out, the more my head keeps it in, it's horrible, I love my boyfriend so much, I really think these are just intrusive thoughts and I don't want them.Does anyone have any advice? I feel like even though I am now calm over the last lot overthinking, something else just replaces it.