I{26F] Feel That I Have No Choice But to Leave Him {27M}

TL;DR: My Boyfriend of 9 year's personality has changed so drastically to the point i feel i have to leave him. He is refusing to see this, and refusing to look into help that i believe we both could use to save the relationship.

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I have been with my fiance for close to 9 years, but as of late things have changed.

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In the past year, he has become more and more judgmental to the things that make me happy. I have started to feel like he does not care the way he used to. He is just angry all the time, nothing i can see explains it

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I can pin point the moment it started too. I am a fanfiction writer and very reserved about who i tell this. No one i know in real life has read my work online and i like to keep it that way. He always knew i did, but never asked about it. It was the one thing i wished to keep private and he understood this. He has always understood our privacy line, i give him his and he mine, we trust one another. Well I finally felt okay showing him one of my pieces. I couldnt show him in person, so i had emailed him a copy.

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He read it that day and when we got home, the only thing he said to me was "Maybe you should try writing something people actually want to read"

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It crushed my confidence in myself and i stopped writing that day. He has always been my best friend and we have supported eachother's dreams, but this just crushed me for some reason. Writing had always been my therapy. I didnt understand why he would say something like that to me.

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Over the last year, he just started to get angry. Not necessarily at me, it was just the vibe he gave off. I had friends asking me what was wrong, so it was enough of a change for others to notice. I didnt have an answer for them. Every time i asked he just said he was stressed out. In reality we do not have big things to stress on, we have a place to live rent free, good paying jobs, and minimal bills.

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Then he started to get paranoid and that was when he started to change how he acted towards me

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He would screen shot things i posted on social media asking what i "meant" by them. Things like funny memes or videos like i had some different meaning in posting them. He wanted to know who i was texting, (i had no issue showing him that stuff.) It just seemed weird.

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Then he started to get jealous for the first time in all our years. He would get upset that i was texting my Best friend more than him or snapchatting her more than him. Me and my man work on the same farm, we see eachother constantly it is not like we are not talking face to face.

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Another key point was about 5 months ago. A month before my best friend was to fly down from Alaska he flipped out because i was texting her on snapchat. My friend had gone through a pretty nasty break up, we had been talking alot about it. He demanded to see the messages and i drew the line. She had said some very personal stuff trusting me to keep it quiet. I explained that to him and he flipped the fuck out.

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In his eyes i must have been hiding something from him. No matter how much i explained it. It was then that he blew a fuse saying she was not welcome in our house anymore and he didnt want her drug addicted ass around (she has never done hard drugs, ever) I blew up back ill admit. The house his mine not his, plus the plane tickets had been bought. I told him to get over himself.

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It was then he started to stalk my social media with alternate accounts. He knew i had been running a fandom Tumblr account and started to flip out that other users were repubing my posts, that i was posting stupid shit. I showed him all of it, but he was still angry that i was posting anything. He was even stalking my Fanfiction account to see if i was writing again.

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This was when my bestie flew down for a few days. He basically disappeared, staying with his cousin the entire time. Me and her talked quite a bit. My depression had started to relapse and she encouraged me to start writing again. so i did. It was just as farming was slowing down for the season, so why not? Good time killer.

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So she flew home and he came back, he searched the entire house to find any proof that we had done drugs. I have no idea where or why this became his focus but it did. After that, things actually started to feel a little normal. FOr like a week. I wondered if my bestes ex had tried to spread shit to my man to cause drama. That would make sense. NOw that he could see she had not done anything like that maybe things would stay better? Wrong.

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Suddenly he started to explode at me. He started to nit pick and point out everything i did wrong through out the day. I washed more of my clothes than his in one load of laundry? I was being selfish and not going out of my way to do things for him. I make something i like for dinner? Why cant i make the foods he likes? He just started to point out every flaw i had, from leaving a light on to how i spoke to him.

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Now i want to say, this man is a giver. He has always given his all in things and was a happy person. When things were good between us, they are amazing. We laugh and play and just enjoy eachothers company. Partners in crime with countless adventures. However, ever since he got angry things have never been the same. Now the bad days out weigh the good.

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I have brought up counseling for both of us, he flips out saying he does not want others to know our issues. Tosses a fit if i am on the phone with my freind because i must be bitching about him. I have started to lose my trust in him. I am starting to cut myself off and it is showing. I dont want to show him things anymore, i dont want to share things with him because when i do he just flips it around into something bad. I cant even show him a funny meme without him saying "Always on the phone"

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He complained that i send my few friends all this stuff but not him, but when i do i either get no reaction or an angry one. Why would i want to share if that is all i get? I cant be one sided in the conversations. I need to be able to talk to people to stay mentally healthy but he sees it as seeking attention from others when only his should matter.

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So now at this point in time he is angrier because i am not wanting to communicate, says i am selfish for not doing so. I have tried to explain that i dont want to talk to someone who just judges and puts me down for my interests and passions. He just says i need to get over it.

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Well he went to use my laptop last week and i had a word document up with part of a fan fic and he flipped the fuck out. Asking why he had not been shown the work, asked where i was posting and who all had seen it. I had not posted this one, i was writing it for myself as therapy and explained that. He basically said he did not believe me and was livid i was showing my friends and not him, when i should apparently only be showing him. I blew a fuse told him to get over this jealousy shit and realize that i have been nothing but truthful and loyal to him for 9 damn years.

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So this basically brings us to today.

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I am just at a loss. This man has been my best friend and partner for so long. but now days i feel like all i do is fuck up and ruin things because the past few months that is all i hear from his mouth. I have tried to tell him this, tried to sort it out but nothing is fucking working. I love him, we have been through so much together yet something in him has changed and he will not address it.

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I am at the point where i think i am going to have to separate from him. It has been making me lose sleep at night. The big issue is i could not leave till March at the earliest, we are on limited winter income as farm labor workers so our combined income is what pays the bills. If i lost that other income, i would not be able to keep the bills paid. It is stressful as hell, our area has no work this time of year and i do not have the resources to move two hours for jobs that would hardly make more than i am now on a limited income. I can start to sell stuff, but i don't have anything of value enough to sell and solve the problem now.

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I think i know deep down things are only going to get worse at this point in time. I cant help someone who won't get help or see there is a problem. I have tried to be open to him about things and it does not matter in his eyes. I just have to wait it out long enough to where i am working again, then i know i could make it alone.

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I would lose most the friends i have. All my family moved out of the area a few years ago. Most my close friends too. I am friends with a few of his cousins, so that would end my relationship with them. I am a social person, i feel like if i lost some of my few friends it would just make me more depressed than i already am.

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I just want the man i fell in love with back I know he is in there. The guy who played video games with me and laughed at stupid memes. What caused him to change? I have known him for so long, i would have never thought he would change into this. it does not make sense to me. It makes me wonder if i did something wrong.

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TL;DR: My Boyfriend of 9 year's personality has changed so drastically to the point i feel i have to leave him. He is refusing to see this, and refusing to look into help that i believe we both could use to save the relationship.

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Is this behavior a signal to something else? Is there a way i can get him to go to therapy with me and get to the bottom of what is the matter? Is there another option (other than breaking up) that i am not seeing?

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Thanks to those who took the time to read this.

Submitted January 10, 2020 at 12:05AM

TL;DR: My Boyfriend of 9 year's personality has changed so drastically to the point i feel i have to leave him. He is refusing to see this, and refusing to look into help that i believe we both could use to save the relationship.​I have been with my fiance for close to 9 years, but as of late things have changed.​​In the past year, he has become more and more judgmental to the things that make me happy. I have started to feel like he does not care the way he used to. He is just angry all the time, nothing i can see explains it​​I can pin point the moment it started too. I am a fanfiction writer and very reserved about who i tell this. No one i know in real life has read my work online and i like to keep it that way. He always knew i did, but never asked about it. It was the one thing i wished to keep private and he understood this. He has always understood our privacy line, i give him his and he mine, we trust one another. Well I finally felt okay showing him one of my pieces. I couldnt show him in person, so i had emailed him a copy.​​He read it that day and when we got home, the only thing he said to me was "Maybe you should try writing something people actually want to read"​​It crushed my confidence in myself and i stopped writing that day. He has always been my best friend and we have supported eachother's dreams, but this just crushed me for some reason. Writing had always been my therapy. I didnt understand why he would say something like that to me.​​Over the last year, he just started to get angry. Not necessarily at me, it was just the vibe he gave off. I had friends asking me what was wrong, so it was enough of a change for others to notice. I didnt have an answer for them. Every time i asked he just said he was stressed out. In reality we do not have big things to stress on, we have a place to live rent free, good paying jobs, and minimal bills.​​Then he started to get paranoid and that was when he started to change how he acted towards me​​He would screen shot things i posted on social media asking what i "meant" by them. Things like funny memes or videos like i had some different meaning in posting them. He wanted to know who i was texting, (i had no issue showing him that stuff.) It just seemed weird.​​Then he started to get jealous for the first time in all our years. He would get upset that i was texting my Best friend more than him or snapchatting her more than him. Me and my man work on the same farm, we see eachother constantly it is not like we are not talking face to face.​​Another key point was about 5 months ago. A month before my best friend was to fly down from Alaska he flipped out because i was texting her on snapchat. My friend had gone through a pretty nasty break up, we had been talking alot about it. He demanded to see the messages and i drew the line. She had said some very personal stuff trusting me to keep it quiet. I explained that to him and he flipped the fuck out.​​In his eyes i must have been hiding something from him. No matter how much i explained it. It was then that he blew a fuse saying she was not welcome in our house anymore and he didnt want her drug addicted ass around (she has never done hard drugs, ever) I blew up back ill admit. The house his mine not his, plus the plane tickets had been bought. I told him to get over himself.​​It was then he started to stalk my social media with alternate accounts. He knew i had been running a fandom Tumblr account and started to flip out that other users were repubing my posts, that i was posting stupid shit. I showed him all of it, but he was still angry that i was posting anything. He was even stalking my Fanfiction account to see if i was writing again.​​This was when my bestie flew down for a few days. He basically disappeared, staying with his cousin the entire time. Me and her talked quite a bit. My depression had started to relapse and she encouraged me to start writing again. so i did. It was just as farming was slowing down for the season, so why not? Good time killer.​​So she flew home and he came back, he searched the entire house to find any proof that we had done drugs. I have no idea where or why this became his focus but it did. After that, things actually started to feel a little normal. FOr like a week. I wondered if my bestes ex had tried to spread shit to my man to cause drama. That would make sense. NOw that he could see she had not done anything like that maybe things would stay better? Wrong.​​Suddenly he started to explode at me. He started to nit pick and point out everything i did wrong through out the day. I washed more of my clothes than his in one load of laundry? I was being selfish and not going out of my way to do things for him. I make something i like for dinner? Why cant i make the foods he likes? He just started to point out every flaw i had, from leaving a light on to how i spoke to him.​​Now i want to say, this man is a giver. He has always given his all in things and was a happy person. When things were good between us, they are amazing. We laugh and play and just enjoy eachothers company. Partners in crime with countless adventures. However, ever since he got angry things have never been the same. Now the bad days out weigh the good.​​I have brought up counseling for both of us, he flips out saying he does not want others to know our issues. Tosses a fit if i am on the phone with my freind because i must be bitching about him. I have started to lose my trust in him. I am starting to cut myself off and it is showing. I dont want to show him things anymore, i dont want to share things with him because when i do he just flips it around into something bad. I cant even show him a funny meme without him saying "Always on the phone"​​He complained that i send my few friends all this stuff but not him, but when i do i either get no reaction or an angry one. Why would i want to share if that is all i get? I cant be one sided in the conversations. I need to be able to talk to people to stay mentally healthy but he sees it as seeking attention from others when only his should matter.​​So now at this point in time he is angrier because i am not wanting to communicate, says i am selfish for not doing so. I have tried to explain that i dont want to talk to someone who just judges and puts me down for my interests and passions. He just says i need to get over it.​​Well he went to use my laptop last week and i had a word document up with part of a fan fic and he flipped the fuck out. Asking why he had not been shown the work, asked where i was posting and who all had seen it. I had not posted this one, i was writing it for myself as therapy and explained that. He basically said he did not believe me and was livid i was showing my friends and not him, when i should apparently only be showing him. I blew a fuse told him to get over this jealousy shit and realize that i have been nothing but truthful and loyal to him for 9 damn years.​​So this basically brings us to today.​​I am just at a loss. This man has been my best friend and partner for so long. but now days i feel like all i do is fuck up and ruin things because the past few months that is all i hear from his mouth. I have tried to tell him this, tried to sort it out but nothing is fucking working. I love him, we have been through so much together yet something in him has changed and he will not address it.​​I am at the point where i think i am going to have to separate from him. It has been making me lose sleep at night. The big issue is i could not leave till March at the earliest, we are on limited winter income as farm labor workers so our combined income is what pays the bills. If i lost that other income, i would not be able to keep the bills paid. It is stressful as hell, our area has no work this time of year and i do not have the resources to move two hours for jobs that would hardly make more than i am now on a limited income. I can start to sell stuff, but i don't have anything of value enough to sell and solve the problem now.​​I think i know deep down things are only going to get worse at this point in time. I cant help someone who won't get help or see there is a problem. I have tried to be open to him about things and it does not matter in his eyes. I just have to wait it out long enough to where i am working again, then i know i could make it alone.​​I would lose most the friends i have. All my family moved out of the area a few years ago. Most my close friends too. I am friends with a few of his cousins, so that would end my relationship with them. I am a social person, i feel like if i lost some of my few friends it would just make me more depressed than i already am.​​I just want the man i fell in love with back I know he is in there. The guy who played video games with me and laughed at stupid memes. What caused him to change? I have known him for so long, i would have never thought he would change into this. it does not make sense to me. It makes me wonder if i did something wrong.​​TL;DR: My Boyfriend of 9 year's personality has changed so drastically to the point i feel i have to leave him. He is refusing to see this, and refusing to look into help that i believe we both could use to save the relationship.​​Is this behavior a signal to something else? Is there a way i can get him to go to therapy with me and get to the bottom of what is the matter? Is there another option (other than breaking up) that i am not seeing?​​Thanks to those who took the time to read this.