Sex with my [27/m] girlfriend [25/f] is great but health complications and libido really affects the frequency. Where do I go from here?

Hi everyone,

I'm currently alone in the emergency with my mom (nothing too crazy) and have had 6 hours to mull things over and I still am not able to think of a solution.

So I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 months now, and we've been hooking up for about 10 months.

The sex has been consistently pretty solid, she is very vocal about how much she enjoys being prioritized and how easy and pleasurable and safe it feels.

I also enjoy it quite a lot.. I've never been more physically, emotionally and mentally attracted to someone. Everything about her is so intoxicating and irresistible, I really can't get enough. The actual sex is good as well. I do end up doing a lot of the legwork and sometimes I would like more effort on her part and to feel prioritized in the same way she does but overall it's great and I really enjoy being with her.

In any case, the quality of sex isn't really an issue and is something that can easily be remedied through communication.

The thing I do struggle with however is the frequency of sex.

As a disclaimer she has had a complicated sexual history and also experienced some sexual trauma in her last serious relationship. Additionally, she also has ulcerative colitis which puts sex completely off limits for long stretches of time. Currently she is at the tail end of a long, serious flare and our sex life has been very stagnant for about a month.

These are two things I take very seriously and make it a point not to pressure her or make her feel bad or manipulate the situation in any way. My behaviours are something I've cleared with my therapist and it is very important that she feels valued, safe and loved when she isnt able to have sex.

I can honestly say that I give her 100% as a partner and that is not in the service of more sex but rather me feeling that she is the most lovely person I know and wanting to make her truly happy and fulfilled.

The issue for me is that I am feeling quite unfulfilled sexually. I don't feel like masturbation is my solution because I've tried that to little success. What I really want is her body, lips, and smell around me and to experience that intimacy with her.

I totally understand this is nothing she can control but I have this growing feeling of wanting more that I constantly have to bury and put aside because I don't want her to feel bad she isn't meeting my needs.

The libido difference is quite stark and has been affecting my own confidence within and without of the relationship. Nagging thoughts about my looks, personality and other aspects that I'm usually very secure about have begun to creep in. Ideas that maybe she wants someone else, etc.

I know that it is most definitely ridiculous and that she loves me but I guess I can't help how I feel in my weaker moments.

I want to be with her for a long, long time.. She is beautiful and kind and the best person I've ever met and I want to find a solution that works for us both.

So reddit.. Am I missing something? If there is anything I can try or do more of I'm willing to hear it.

Thanks

Tl;dr Lack of sex due to libido difference as well as other physical complication that won't go away any time soon.. What do I do?



Submitted October 11, 2019 at 11:51PM

Hi everyone,I'm currently alone in the emergency with my mom (nothing too crazy) and have had 6 hours to mull things over and I still am not able to think of a solution.So I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 months now, and we've been hooking up for about 10 months.The sex has been consistently pretty solid, she is very vocal about how much she enjoys being prioritized and how easy and pleasurable and safe it feels.I also enjoy it quite a lot.. I've never been more physically, emotionally and mentally attracted to someone. Everything about her is so intoxicating and irresistible, I really can't get enough. The actual sex is good as well. I do end up doing a lot of the legwork and sometimes I would like more effort on her part and to feel prioritized in the same way she does but overall it's great and I really enjoy being with her.In any case, the quality of sex isn't really an issue and is something that can easily be remedied through communication.The thing I do struggle with however is the frequency of sex.As a disclaimer she has had a complicated sexual history and also experienced some sexual trauma in her last serious relationship. Additionally, she also has ulcerative colitis which puts sex completely off limits for long stretches of time. Currently she is at the tail end of a long, serious flare and our sex life has been very stagnant for about a month.These are two things I take very seriously and make it a point not to pressure her or make her feel bad or manipulate the situation in any way. My behaviours are something I've cleared with my therapist and it is very important that she feels valued, safe and loved when she isnt able to have sex.I can honestly say that I give her 100% as a partner and that is not in the service of more sex but rather me feeling that she is the most lovely person I know and wanting to make her truly happy and fulfilled.The issue for me is that I am feeling quite unfulfilled sexually. I don't feel like masturbation is my solution because I've tried that to little success. What I really want is her body, lips, and smell around me and to experience that intimacy with her.I totally understand this is nothing she can control but I have this growing feeling of wanting more that I constantly have to bury and put aside because I don't want her to feel bad she isn't meeting my needs.The libido difference is quite stark and has been affecting my own confidence within and without of the relationship. Nagging thoughts about my looks, personality and other aspects that I'm usually very secure about have begun to creep in. Ideas that maybe she wants someone else, etc.I know that it is most definitely ridiculous and that she loves me but I guess I can't help how I feel in my weaker moments.I want to be with her for a long, long time.. She is beautiful and kind and the best person I've ever met and I want to find a solution that works for us both.So reddit.. Am I missing something? If there is anything I can try or do more of I'm willing to hear it.ThanksTl;dr Lack of sex due to libido difference as well as other physical complication that won't go away any time soon.. What do I do?
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