Boyfriend (25m) insisted that he should be allowed to go to a swinger’s club while in a relationship with me (28f)

This argument actually happened several weeks ago, and even though things have been “okay” between us, I haven’t felt comfortable since.

My boyfriend and I were having a conversation about how he has a wide group of friends, including people of different ethnicities, beliefs, interests, religions, sexual orientations, etc.

He made a comment about how he can be “different depending on who he’s hanging with” and said, for example, if his friend who’s into swinging invited him, he’d go along with him to a swingers club.

Now, he and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 2 years. There is absolutely no way I’d be okay with him going to a swingers club, and I let him know as such. Actually, I would consider doing so a massive breach of the relationship, which to me is the same thing as cheating.

Instead of understanding my boundary, he scoffed and left the room. An argument ensued quickly after, since I felt deeply disrespected and angry. To me, what he did is akin to me saying “yeah if my friend wanted a blow job I’d totally give him one” and then scoffing at him when he bristled at the idea.

He insisted that it’s totally okay for a person to go to a swingers club while in a relationship as long as they don’t touch anyone else.

I’ll admit that I got pretty angry and started yelling. The very idea that the person who I’ve been sexually committed to for two years is just completely cool with going to a sex club, WITHOUT ME no less, when we’ve had absolutely zero discussion about these things prior makes me feel like I’ve been completely duped.

I thought that I was in a relationship with someone who shared the same values about monogamy and fidelity.

He started laughing at me while I was angry and told me that my argument about it being cheating was “illogical”...

Reddit, please help me understand how having a baseline expectation of clubs designed specifically for open relationships being off limits while in a monogamous relationship is illogical.

I got so upset that I started crying, and only then did he stop arguing and apologized. He said he won’t go to one, and that he was just “giving an example” of how different his friends are. That doesn’t mean much, though, when you’ve been scoffed and laughed at, and had your boundaries and beliefs referred to as “illogical”.

He and I are due to sign a lease on a new apartment in one month and I’m honestly having hesitations because of this argument. I feel like he’s not the person I thought he was, and I feel disrespected and lied to.

I would never put myself in a situation that would disrespect my boyfriend or my fidelity to him, but ever since this incident, I don’t think he feels the same sense of loyalty to me.

I’m on the fence about moving forward and signing any kind of contract with him, as I don’t know what else he has up his sleeve, so to speak. Maybe I’m blowing this whole thing out of proportion but what if a month into the lease he drops some other bomb on me and now I’m stuck living with him even after the relationship is over? Please help.

TLDR boyfriend thinks he should be allowed to go to swingers clubs even though it’s considered cheating to me.

Submitted September 16, 2019 at 11:32PM

This argument actually happened several weeks ago, and even though things have been “okay” between us, I haven’t felt comfortable since.My boyfriend and I were having a conversation about how he has a wide group of friends, including people of different ethnicities, beliefs, interests, religions, sexual orientations, etc.He made a comment about how he can be “different depending on who he’s hanging with” and said, for example, if his friend who’s into swinging invited him, he’d go along with him to a swingers club.Now, he and I have been in a monogamous relationship for 2 years. There is absolutely no way I’d be okay with him going to a swingers club, and I let him know as such. Actually, I would consider doing so a massive breach of the relationship, which to me is the same thing as cheating.Instead of understanding my boundary, he scoffed and left the room. An argument ensued quickly after, since I felt deeply disrespected and angry. To me, what he did is akin to me saying “yeah if my friend wanted a blow job I’d totally give him one” and then scoffing at him when he bristled at the idea.He insisted that it’s totally okay for a person to go to a swingers club while in a relationship as long as they don’t touch anyone else.I’ll admit that I got pretty angry and started yelling. The very idea that the person who I’ve been sexually committed to for two years is just completely cool with going to a sex club, WITHOUT ME no less, when we’ve had absolutely zero discussion about these things prior makes me feel like I’ve been completely duped.I thought that I was in a relationship with someone who shared the same values about monogamy and fidelity.He started laughing at me while I was angry and told me that my argument about it being cheating was “illogical”...Reddit, please help me understand how having a baseline expectation of clubs designed specifically for open relationships being off limits while in a monogamous relationship is illogical.I got so upset that I started crying, and only then did he stop arguing and apologized. He said he won’t go to one, and that he was just “giving an example” of how different his friends are. That doesn’t mean much, though, when you’ve been scoffed and laughed at, and had your boundaries and beliefs referred to as “illogical”.He and I are due to sign a lease on a new apartment in one month and I’m honestly having hesitations because of this argument. I feel like he’s not the person I thought he was, and I feel disrespected and lied to.I would never put myself in a situation that would disrespect my boyfriend or my fidelity to him, but ever since this incident, I don’t think he feels the same sense of loyalty to me.I’m on the fence about moving forward and signing any kind of contract with him, as I don’t know what else he has up his sleeve, so to speak. Maybe I’m blowing this whole thing out of proportion but what if a month into the lease he drops some other bomb on me and now I’m stuck living with him even after the relationship is over? Please help.TLDR boyfriend thinks he should be allowed to go to swingers clubs even though it’s considered cheating to me.