My mom (56F) and I (21F) may end up living in a multigenerational home together, but I'm not content in this state and dread dealing with my dad's reaction.

So, I posted a more finance-focused form of this question in /r/personalfinance, but a Redditor suggested I might be looking for relationship advice, and they're right on that account, too. I'm looking for advice on both fronts, I guess!

I did post something similar on the divorce subreddit, but was met with mostly, "Just move out" sort of posts. They weren't helpful, because I am not in a financial position to do so--I will not make myself financially uneasy just for the sake of a space of my own. I have decent relationships with my parents, so I don't need to move out. It is a desire to, but not while I do not have much in the way of savings or career prospects, even with a degree.

But I digress.

Basically, I recently graduated from a college in-state, and lived at home for the last year of it. Not happy with it, struggling to figure out what career I really want, all that fun jazz.

I absolutely love to travel, and I absolutely want to get out of Arizona. It's hot as hell here, and to me, very boring. Phoenix isn't really a "fun" city, the public transport is lacking, and I'm sick of the desert and not much else. I'd love to live somewhere I can access a big city, but also go for hikes with my dog, explore, hit up a ton of bookstores and coffee shops, and preferably avoid car costs and stick to public transport. It's a dream, but a lot of those sorts of spaces are expensive, and right now, and probably for the next few years, it's near impossible for me.

So, that brings me to living at home. I don't know if this will happen, but it's entirely possible that my mom might move into a house where we can have our own space; me with a casita/guest house sort of thing, paying rent or helping out in general. She would consider it a pretty permanent thing; I'm extremely hesitant to do so, because of my inclination to move out of state if I ever get the chance. For anyone living with their parents like this, is it worth it? How do you balance that time? And how do you get around that stigma of "living with your parents still?"

I worry my mom's ashamed of me for still living at home with a part-time warehouse job and no real motivation for a career (frankly due to my lack of knowing what I want to do, and lacking the funds/time to explore options). She just got together with other moms of kids my age and I just dread hearing about what their kids are doing; it seems like everyone from high school is going somewhere, and I'm stuck. I love her, and she loves me, but I've also kept a lot from her (mental, emotional, relationships, etc). I feel suffocated here, but I'm well aware of the need to be financially responsible, and I do enjoy our time together; cooking, hanging out in general, boba tea excursions, and so forth.

Also, how would I go about having such a conversation with my dad, who lives in the same city? "Hey, dad, I love you, but I'm going to live with my mom now." They don't live that far from one another. He guilts me every time I go to her house again. He says, "Oh, [our dog/his dog, I guess] misses you." He's gotten our favorite waitress in on it at a restaurant we frequent together, and she's always like, "Your dad looks so lonely sitting here by himself!" or, "You should stay home more often." It's all meant well and fine, I suppose, but I'm a bit sensitive and tend to internalize a lot (lemme tell you 'bout all my festering guilt and shame over my entire existence, y'all), so it just stings. Even just going between houses, or having dinner with this parent here, the other that day, and the looks and comments they both give me, just wears on me. I make these microscopic choices every day between parents, and the guilt I feel for just trying to find some space of my own is ridiculous.

Basically, how do I handle all of this? Parents of children of divorce, any advice on how to approach this? Same to anyone who's gone through something similar. Again, please keep in mind I am not financially able to move out, as my savings aren't robust yet and I have to move with a dog; these expenses add up. What can I do in the meantime, in the next few years, to "breathe", per say?

TL;DR: My parents are divorced and I (F21) am going between houses but tired of it, but can't move out on my own; my mom and I are considering a multigenerational home but she's thinking permanently and I am itching to leave my home state behind. Advice on dealing with parentals' guilt trips would be helpful.

Submitted August 08, 2019 at 12:29AM

So, I posted a more finance-focused form of this question in /r/personalfinance, but a Redditor suggested I might be looking for relationship advice, and they're right on that account, too. I'm looking for advice on both fronts, I guess!I did post something similar on the divorce subreddit, but was met with mostly, "Just move out" sort of posts. They weren't helpful, because I am not in a financial position to do so--I will not make myself financially uneasy just for the sake of a space of my own. I have decent relationships with my parents, so I don't need to move out. It is a desire to, but not while I do not have much in the way of savings or career prospects, even with a degree.But I digress.Basically, I recently graduated from a college in-state, and lived at home for the last year of it. Not happy with it, struggling to figure out what career I really want, all that fun jazz.I absolutely love to travel, and I absolutely want to get out of Arizona. It's hot as hell here, and to me, very boring. Phoenix isn't really a "fun" city, the public transport is lacking, and I'm sick of the desert and not much else. I'd love to live somewhere I can access a big city, but also go for hikes with my dog, explore, hit up a ton of bookstores and coffee shops, and preferably avoid car costs and stick to public transport. It's a dream, but a lot of those sorts of spaces are expensive, and right now, and probably for the next few years, it's near impossible for me.So, that brings me to living at home. I don't know if this will happen, but it's entirely possible that my mom might move into a house where we can have our own space; me with a casita/guest house sort of thing, paying rent or helping out in general. She would consider it a pretty permanent thing; I'm extremely hesitant to do so, because of my inclination to move out of state if I ever get the chance. For anyone living with their parents like this, is it worth it? How do you balance that time? And how do you get around that stigma of "living with your parents still?"I worry my mom's ashamed of me for still living at home with a part-time warehouse job and no real motivation for a career (frankly due to my lack of knowing what I want to do, and lacking the funds/time to explore options). She just got together with other moms of kids my age and I just dread hearing about what their kids are doing; it seems like everyone from high school is going somewhere, and I'm stuck. I love her, and she loves me, but I've also kept a lot from her (mental, emotional, relationships, etc). I feel suffocated here, but I'm well aware of the need to be financially responsible, and I do enjoy our time together; cooking, hanging out in general, boba tea excursions, and so forth.Also, how would I go about having such a conversation with my dad, who lives in the same city? "Hey, dad, I love you, but I'm going to live with my mom now." They don't live that far from one another. He guilts me every time I go to her house again. He says, "Oh, [our dog/his dog, I guess] misses you." He's gotten our favorite waitress in on it at a restaurant we frequent together, and she's always like, "Your dad looks so lonely sitting here by himself!" or, "You should stay home more often." It's all meant well and fine, I suppose, but I'm a bit sensitive and tend to internalize a lot (lemme tell you 'bout all my festering guilt and shame over my entire existence, y'all), so it just stings. Even just going between houses, or having dinner with this parent here, the other that day, and the looks and comments they both give me, just wears on me. I make these microscopic choices every day between parents, and the guilt I feel for just trying to find some space of my own is ridiculous.Basically, how do I handle all of this? Parents of children of divorce, any advice on how to approach this? Same to anyone who's gone through something similar. Again, please keep in mind I am not financially able to move out, as my savings aren't robust yet and I have to move with a dog; these expenses add up. What can I do in the meantime, in the next few years, to "breathe", per say?TL;DR: My parents are divorced and I (F21) am going between houses but tired of it, but can't move out on my own; my mom and I are considering a multigenerational home but she's thinking permanently and I am itching to leave my home state behind. Advice on dealing with parentals' guilt trips would be helpful.