My gf(22F) doesnt respect my(24M) boundaries when around ex-FWB so i told her its either him or me.

BACKROUND INFO:

My gf and i have been together for 3 years. We've had our ups and down and we get together very well and have amazing memories other than this big re-occuring issue. My gf's main friend group who she hangs with about once or twice a week. This friend group is mostly guys and a couple girls who i have no issues with and i am very friendly with when around. HOWEVER - this group contains a guy who she used to be very close f**k buddies with. They have all been friends for a very long time since jr high or before and she told me the ex FWB "used to be her best childhood friend" and how many memories they shared. However since we started fighting about him she all of the sudden stopped regarding him as someone whos important or doesn't talk about him at all.

THE ISSUES:

when we first started dating she was very open about letting me know they had a past and they hangout in a group setting. I didn't at all have a problem with him although i could tell there was tension between him and i every time we were at a gathering. It seemed clear - i didn't like him and he didn't like me so we kept our distance. unlike everyone else who seemed to enjoy me being there and likewise. Our worst fights in the relationship was about this issue effecting us. Probably had 5 or 6 huge fights about issues regarding him. These fights happened over a span of 3 years and each were really bad. i will basically summarize how it effected our relationship and what came as a result.

Fight 1) GF decided to hangout with her group of friends including him AT HIS HOUSE the day we had plans to go out and party on the last day of school. She tried making it seem like she never agreed to them last minute as i was asking where she was, when i had evidence she did. Straight up getting ditched, she apologized and said it wouldnt happen.

Fight 2) She was spending more time drinking getting more fucked up at his house with her friends then doing anything with me. Straight up WTF situation. I broke up with her and she begged me to take her back saying she understood my point. At this point i set my foot down and told her she has no business to be at his house especially drinking and idgaf if it her friends.

Fight 3) She left me drunk at a club without any beforehand warning, she didn't want me to come out and walk her out even. i read a text over the shoulder from her friend "birthday boy" that the ex fwb is driving tonight and picking everyone up. I have never felt as less than a man then that night. She sent me a text apologizing. I ripped her up consistently for this and to this day she hasn't been able to give me a reason why she would leave me like that and not bring me with her she only gets upset and cries. Im still not over this night and i dont think i ever will be.

Fight 4) she had him and her friends over at her house. I was upset because if i told her i didn't want her at his house, how is having him at hers any different? This escalated to me leaving her which she again apologized and cried saying its her only friend group and it tears them apart to exclude someone. I told her i didn't care and set VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES- 1) she couldnt go to his house, nor couldnt have him over, has no reason to be messaging him. 2) if she did ever hangout with him around i except to know that she is around him. The big thing here was TRANSPARENCY.

I made these points crystal clear.

THE LAST STRAW

last night we were talking on the phone and and i brought up the fact that she completely stopped telling me about who is around at her gatherings and what goes on. (Before she used to list names off, tell m exactly what happened all the funny stuff said and anything like that). Now, I either dont hear about it at all or she is very reluctant to share information. She began getting very defensive and apprehensive about that question. saying im 'prying' for information. So i asked her directly, who was around last time they were together when they had a bbq a few days ago ? it turns out he was there and she broke her promise to me of letting me know and being transparent about this issue. I blew up and got very angry, Told her i've had enough. If she wants to ever continue this relationship with me she can say goodbye to ever seeing him or anything because its clear my boundaries keep getting disrespected for him when hes in her life. She has been apolgizing but its just not enough. Im done dealing with this and was far too understanding for too long. I dont feel unjustified in my actions

- would you ever put a significant other through all of that to be able to have an ex lover around?

- am i wrong for asking her to cut him off after everything its caused?

- how should i have handle this situation?

- am i wrong for feeling betrayed over this situation? I feel like anybody would feel the same and i dont even have friends who are females when shes keeping this kindof bagage around so it makes it worse.

- am i wrong in allowing this in first place and then putting a stop to it?

- should i leave her? is this relationship already over? because i feel like my own self respect and trust for her has been stepped on so much she's gonna have to do something she never has before to ever gain it back.

TL;DR

Gf has a friend group with ex fwb in it. Had many bad fights in the past over him being around and her not respecting my boundaries in things like not ditching me to hangout with her friends especially if hes there, drinking at his house and not telling me when she does hangout with him around. She stopped telling me stuff like she did before. Last time when she broke a boundary i told her its either me or him and she needs to cut him off if were gonna continue this relationship and i dont care what it means for her friend group. I also told her if she fucks up again im leaving and that is final.

Submitted August 07, 2019 at 12:07AM

BACKROUND INFO:My gf and i have been together for 3 years. We've had our ups and down and we get together very well and have amazing memories other than this big re-occuring issue. My gf's main friend group who she hangs with about once or twice a week. This friend group is mostly guys and a couple girls who i have no issues with and i am very friendly with when around. HOWEVER - this group contains a guy who she used to be very close f**k buddies with. They have all been friends for a very long time since jr high or before and she told me the ex FWB "used to be her best childhood friend" and how many memories they shared. However since we started fighting about him she all of the sudden stopped regarding him as someone whos important or doesn't talk about him at all.THE ISSUES:when we first started dating she was very open about letting me know they had a past and they hangout in a group setting. I didn't at all have a problem with him although i could tell there was tension between him and i every time we were at a gathering. It seemed clear - i didn't like him and he didn't like me so we kept our distance. unlike everyone else who seemed to enjoy me being there and likewise. Our worst fights in the relationship was about this issue effecting us. Probably had 5 or 6 huge fights about issues regarding him. These fights happened over a span of 3 years and each were really bad. i will basically summarize how it effected our relationship and what came as a result.Fight 1) GF decided to hangout with her group of friends including him AT HIS HOUSE the day we had plans to go out and party on the last day of school. She tried making it seem like she never agreed to them last minute as i was asking where she was, when i had evidence she did. Straight up getting ditched, she apologized and said it wouldnt happen.Fight 2) She was spending more time drinking getting more fucked up at his house with her friends then doing anything with me. Straight up WTF situation. I broke up with her and she begged me to take her back saying she understood my point. At this point i set my foot down and told her she has no business to be at his house especially drinking and idgaf if it her friends.Fight 3) She left me drunk at a club without any beforehand warning, she didn't want me to come out and walk her out even. i read a text over the shoulder from her friend "birthday boy" that the ex fwb is driving tonight and picking everyone up. I have never felt as less than a man then that night. She sent me a text apologizing. I ripped her up consistently for this and to this day she hasn't been able to give me a reason why she would leave me like that and not bring me with her she only gets upset and cries. Im still not over this night and i dont think i ever will be.Fight 4) she had him and her friends over at her house. I was upset because if i told her i didn't want her at his house, how is having him at hers any different? This escalated to me leaving her which she again apologized and cried saying its her only friend group and it tears them apart to exclude someone. I told her i didn't care and set VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES- 1) she couldnt go to his house, nor couldnt have him over, has no reason to be messaging him. 2) if she did ever hangout with him around i except to know that she is around him. The big thing here was TRANSPARENCY.I made these points crystal clear.THE LAST STRAWlast night we were talking on the phone and and i brought up the fact that she completely stopped telling me about who is around at her gatherings and what goes on. (Before she used to list names off, tell m exactly what happened all the funny stuff said and anything like that). Now, I either dont hear about it at all or she is very reluctant to share information. She began getting very defensive and apprehensive about that question. saying im 'prying' for information. So i asked her directly, who was around last time they were together when they had a bbq a few days ago ? it turns out he was there and she broke her promise to me of letting me know and being transparent about this issue. I blew up and got very angry, Told her i've had enough. If she wants to ever continue this relationship with me she can say goodbye to ever seeing him or anything because its clear my boundaries keep getting disrespected for him when hes in her life. She has been apolgizing but its just not enough. Im done dealing with this and was far too understanding for too long. I dont feel unjustified in my actions- would you ever put a significant other through all of that to be able to have an ex lover around?- am i wrong for asking her to cut him off after everything its caused?- how should i have handle this situation?- am i wrong for feeling betrayed over this situation? I feel like anybody would feel the same and i dont even have friends who are females when shes keeping this kindof bagage around so it makes it worse.- am i wrong in allowing this in first place and then putting a stop to it?- should i leave her? is this relationship already over? because i feel like my own self respect and trust for her has been stepped on so much she's gonna have to do something she never has before to ever gain it back.TL;DRGf has a friend group with ex fwb in it. Had many bad fights in the past over him being around and her not respecting my boundaries in things like not ditching me to hangout with her friends especially if hes there, drinking at his house and not telling me when she does hangout with him around. She stopped telling me stuff like she did before. Last time when she broke a boundary i told her its either me or him and she needs to cut him off if were gonna continue this relationship and i dont care what it means for her friend group. I also told her if she fucks up again im leaving and that is final.