I [29F] can't convince my boyfriend [29M] that my male friend [28M] is just a friend

Hi Reddit, you've helped me in the past and I thought you could help me here.

I am in a relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever been with, we've been dating 7 months, and we've been discussing marriage. I honestly couldn't dream up a better partner. He is everything that I want, with all of my heart, and I want nothing or no one else.

I have a friend named Jake. We've been friends for several years, living in a small community. We get together and play video games and talk about whatever's on our minds. We both have anxiety so we try to help each other through that. We have never been in a relationship, have never tried dating one another, have never admitting feelings for one another. We have always been platonic friends and nothing more.

BF had a problem with Jake early on. It seems I brought him up at an inappropriate time, and then after that every time his name came up BF's alarm bells were going off. He gets intense anxiety about Jake and since we moved in together a month ago [extenuating circumstances, I've never lived with a man before but it's honestly going wonderfully besides this] and he met Jake officially, he's had a lot of problems with him. Everything Jake said or did seemed to be wrong. BF continues to tell me he has a "gut feeling" and he's "almost never wrong" about these kinds of things. BF has been cheated on in the past.

I have introduced them, tried explaining what our friendship is like, and eventually let him show how bad his anxiety about Jake was affecting me and only then did he seem to back off a little. For a few weeks everything was good--I didn't mention Jake once, which meant not doing any phone calls around him (we usually do one once every two or three weeks to catch up), it meant not bringing him up when I thought of something funny (when I wouldn't hesitate to bring it up if it was one of my close female friends).

I brought him up yesterday because Jake broke up with his gf and he's really torn up about it. I talked to him while I was at work both to not upset BF but also because I prize my time with BF and our time together is somewhat limited. I brought up the break up to test the waters--I hadn't mentioned Jake's name for three weeks and we had had the most wonderful three weeks.

That night BF gets anxiety and this morning I ask if it's because of Jake. He starts going off on how I acted a certain way when Jake was around at an event we went to this weekend, how I didn't introduce him to Jake's gf (I hadn't seen her in 1.5 years so I was excited and just forgot, and he hadn't brought it up before today), and a bunch of other stuff I didn't know he was upset about.

I don't know what to do. I've talked to him until I was blue in the face about how Jake and I are just friends, how even if we have "chemistry" like BF says we do, it doesn't matter because a relationship is more than that, that I love BF more than anything, that it feels like I'm losing him because of Jake when neither of us have done anything wrong. I understand how painful anxiety is and how frustrating it must be to think your girlfriend is in an inappropriate friendship but Jake and I have never done or said anything inappropriate.

I feel like I'm being cut off from one of my best friends and my BF. I don't know how to convince my boyfriend there's nothing there and that his "gut" is pain from past experiences and misplaced anxiety in the wrong relationship.

I don't know what to do. If he had this issue with any other friend I would have thought I'd be strong enough to fight back and tell him to fuck off or get out of the relationship. But I love him so much, I understand he's working through a lot of pain (although he doesn't want to get therapy for his past relationship trauma), I'm doing my best, but it's killing me.

Neither of us feel like we can talk to the other about it anymore (and we've talked about it at length for many hours) because the other person always gets upset. I try to stay very very calm while we talk but of course I get upset and angry I can't even talk about my best friend, or feel like I can call him, or see him at all. Please help.

tl;dr my BF, who has been cheated on in the past (8 years ago), has incredible anxiety about my male friend, whom I have never had a relationship with or anything close. Every time his name comes up we fight, I don't know how to convince his "gut" that it's wrong. Neither of us feel like we can talk to the other about it anymore (and we've talked about it at length for many hours) because the other person always gets upset.

Submitted August 06, 2019 at 11:53PM

Hi Reddit, you've helped me in the past and I thought you could help me here.I am in a relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever been with, we've been dating 7 months, and we've been discussing marriage. I honestly couldn't dream up a better partner. He is everything that I want, with all of my heart, and I want nothing or no one else.I have a friend named Jake. We've been friends for several years, living in a small community. We get together and play video games and talk about whatever's on our minds. We both have anxiety so we try to help each other through that. We have never been in a relationship, have never tried dating one another, have never admitting feelings for one another. We have always been platonic friends and nothing more.BF had a problem with Jake early on. It seems I brought him up at an inappropriate time, and then after that every time his name came up BF's alarm bells were going off. He gets intense anxiety about Jake and since we moved in together a month ago [extenuating circumstances, I've never lived with a man before but it's honestly going wonderfully besides this] and he met Jake officially, he's had a lot of problems with him. Everything Jake said or did seemed to be wrong. BF continues to tell me he has a "gut feeling" and he's "almost never wrong" about these kinds of things. BF has been cheated on in the past.I have introduced them, tried explaining what our friendship is like, and eventually let him show how bad his anxiety about Jake was affecting me and only then did he seem to back off a little. For a few weeks everything was good--I didn't mention Jake once, which meant not doing any phone calls around him (we usually do one once every two or three weeks to catch up), it meant not bringing him up when I thought of something funny (when I wouldn't hesitate to bring it up if it was one of my close female friends).I brought him up yesterday because Jake broke up with his gf and he's really torn up about it. I talked to him while I was at work both to not upset BF but also because I prize my time with BF and our time together is somewhat limited. I brought up the break up to test the waters--I hadn't mentioned Jake's name for three weeks and we had had the most wonderful three weeks.That night BF gets anxiety and this morning I ask if it's because of Jake. He starts going off on how I acted a certain way when Jake was around at an event we went to this weekend, how I didn't introduce him to Jake's gf (I hadn't seen her in 1.5 years so I was excited and just forgot, and he hadn't brought it up before today), and a bunch of other stuff I didn't know he was upset about.I don't know what to do. I've talked to him until I was blue in the face about how Jake and I are just friends, how even if we have "chemistry" like BF says we do, it doesn't matter because a relationship is more than that, that I love BF more than anything, that it feels like I'm losing him because of Jake when neither of us have done anything wrong. I understand how painful anxiety is and how frustrating it must be to think your girlfriend is in an inappropriate friendship but Jake and I have never done or said anything inappropriate.I feel like I'm being cut off from one of my best friends and my BF. I don't know how to convince my boyfriend there's nothing there and that his "gut" is pain from past experiences and misplaced anxiety in the wrong relationship.I don't know what to do. If he had this issue with any other friend I would have thought I'd be strong enough to fight back and tell him to fuck off or get out of the relationship. But I love him so much, I understand he's working through a lot of pain (although he doesn't want to get therapy for his past relationship trauma), I'm doing my best, but it's killing me.Neither of us feel like we can talk to the other about it anymore (and we've talked about it at length for many hours) because the other person always gets upset. I try to stay very very calm while we talk but of course I get upset and angry I can't even talk about my best friend, or feel like I can call him, or see him at all. Please help.tl;dr my BF, who has been cheated on in the past (8 years ago), has incredible anxiety about my male friend, whom I have never had a relationship with or anything close. Every time his name comes up we fight, I don't know how to convince his "gut" that it's wrong. Neither of us feel like we can talk to the other about it anymore (and we've talked about it at length for many hours) because the other person always gets upset.