I've[32 M] been married to my wife[32 F] for 5 years and with her much longer. I have bisexual fantasies which I haven't shared with her. How do I best share while also minimizing hurt feelings?

TL;DR; : I've been with my wife for a long time and love her deeply but am terrified to share with her that sometimes have bisexual fantasies. How do I come to grips with myself and share with her while causing her the lease amount of pain?

When I[m] was young I experimented sexually with a friend[m]. My memories of it were of innocent exploration. Finding out of what felt good to ourselves and making each other feel good. It involved mutually masturbating and some oral too. It eventually stopped. My friend and I went to separate schools and didn't see each other often anymore.

I never developed a trust level deep enough to experiment with a guy friend of mine like that again. At some point I read in a book that what I had done was okay, that actually it was quite common, and that it didn't indicate one way or the other if I was gay or bi or straight.

I took that perspective to heart because in my family it became clear over time that being gay meant something was wrong. I found hope that I was still 'okay' because this book said my experience didn't amount to much.

Fast forward, I experimented through high school and college and beyond exclusively with women. I had a couple longer term relationships and then I met the woman who would become my wife. Everything was groovy.

At one point back when my wife and I were still just dating, I tried to share with her the above story about experimenting with my friend. I was a crying wreck about it. Her question was, well, are you attracted to men? And I'm honestly still not even sure how to answer that question, but I said NO! of course not. I couldn't, and still can't imagine the consequences of suggesting I might have some non-straight inclinations. I clammed up about the subject. Neither she or I have brought it up since. It's been close to ten years.

Fast forward again to this past year. I've gone pretty deep down the NSFW reddit rabbit hole and have looked at all types of porn imaginable. And I've gotten off to a lot of stuff that can be classified as less than straight. Or even if it's straight, I often envision being the woman in the scene rather than the man.

It started off small, and I kind of thought if I gave into it, it would run it's course and pass. Now I have all kinds of recurring intrusive thoughts involving men and I don't know who to talk to about it. I'm afraid to talk to my wife about it. I'm afraid to talk to my close male friends about it. It just stays bottled up inside of me.

Recently, my wife and I started watching Easy on netflix and it has some bisexual story lines in it. After watching one of the episodes she kind of off handedly mentioned how she believes sexuality is just a spectrum and we all fall somewhere along the line. I was happy to hear this, it gave me hope that if I had the guts to tell her she might have empathy and acceptance for me.

I'm afraid that if I tell her this about myself it might break her heart and destroy her. It would be something that she couldn't offer, and another belief she has is that your spouse is the one and only and should be able to bring, or not stand in the way of the others happiness. I know she wants me to be happy.

I'm posting this because the past week on /r/sex there have been a couple posts about men exploring their sexuality and I have these fantasies but I know it's wrong to do anything about them without consent. I've taken vows. But how do I share this part of myself after having kept it wrapped up for so long?

Submitted June 27, 2019 at 11:46PM

TL;DR; : I've been with my wife for a long time and love her deeply but am terrified to share with her that sometimes have bisexual fantasies. How do I come to grips with myself and share with her while causing her the lease amount of pain?When I[m] was young I experimented sexually with a friend[m]. My memories of it were of innocent exploration. Finding out of what felt good to ourselves and making each other feel good. It involved mutually masturbating and some oral too. It eventually stopped. My friend and I went to separate schools and didn't see each other often anymore.I never developed a trust level deep enough to experiment with a guy friend of mine like that again. At some point I read in a book that what I had done was okay, that actually it was quite common, and that it didn't indicate one way or the other if I was gay or bi or straight.I took that perspective to heart because in my family it became clear over time that being gay meant something was wrong. I found hope that I was still 'okay' because this book said my experience didn't amount to much.Fast forward, I experimented through high school and college and beyond exclusively with women. I had a couple longer term relationships and then I met the woman who would become my wife. Everything was groovy.At one point back when my wife and I were still just dating, I tried to share with her the above story about experimenting with my friend. I was a crying wreck about it. Her question was, well, are you attracted to men? And I'm honestly still not even sure how to answer that question, but I said NO! of course not. I couldn't, and still can't imagine the consequences of suggesting I might have some non-straight inclinations. I clammed up about the subject. Neither she or I have brought it up since. It's been close to ten years.Fast forward again to this past year. I've gone pretty deep down the NSFW reddit rabbit hole and have looked at all types of porn imaginable. And I've gotten off to a lot of stuff that can be classified as less than straight. Or even if it's straight, I often envision being the woman in the scene rather than the man.It started off small, and I kind of thought if I gave into it, it would run it's course and pass. Now I have all kinds of recurring intrusive thoughts involving men and I don't know who to talk to about it. I'm afraid to talk to my wife about it. I'm afraid to talk to my close male friends about it. It just stays bottled up inside of me.Recently, my wife and I started watching Easy on netflix and it has some bisexual story lines in it. After watching one of the episodes she kind of off handedly mentioned how she believes sexuality is just a spectrum and we all fall somewhere along the line. I was happy to hear this, it gave me hope that if I had the guts to tell her she might have empathy and acceptance for me.I'm afraid that if I tell her this about myself it might break her heart and destroy her. It would be something that she couldn't offer, and another belief she has is that your spouse is the one and only and should be able to bring, or not stand in the way of the others happiness. I know she wants me to be happy.I'm posting this because the past week on /r/sex there have been a couple posts about men exploring their sexuality and I have these fantasies but I know it's wrong to do anything about them without consent. I've taken vows. But how do I share this part of myself after having kept it wrapped up for so long?