I (22F) think I need to intervene in a feud between my mum (50sF) and grandmother (70sF)

Tl;dr: my grandma accused my mum of stealing money (she didn’t), and now they’re not talking. My grandpa has broken his hip and will need my mum’s support to be able to stay at home with grandma. I am planning on going to their house to set the record straight and tell grandma she has to let my mum back in so she can support grandpa.

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Some background on my grandparents: they are quite old and frail and have been for most of my life. She has rheumatoid arthritis and is frequently in a lot of pain, and he has dementia (he’s otherwise quite independent and looks after my grandma fairly well). I’ve never been really close to them, but my mum has always had a good relationship with her parents (at least as an adult – they had a much less positive relationship when she was young).

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Ever since my great aunt (grandma’s sister) died a few years ago, my mum has been giving her parents some support with financial stuff (they are decently affluent, but got into a situation where they weren’t paying their rent and nearly lost their house. Basically, they have money, but no idea about paying bills and dealing with the housing department). In return my grandma has occasionally helped mum out with money (we have always been pretty poor. On the rare occasion she’s given us money it has gone to bills and car repairs). Most recently (either late last year or early this year), she gave my mum a cheque for $900.

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From way back in January this year, grandma has started to become almost as forgetful as grandpa, as well as vindictive and nasty. She basically bullies grandpa (e.g. blaming him for the incident where they weren’t paying their rent, although it wasn’t his fault) and says a lot of nasty things about family members behind their backs.

A few months ago shit really hit the fan when she accused my mum of stealing the $900, which was given to her as a cheque. I can say for certain that mum did not, would not, and could not steal anything from anyone, especially not her parents. I was there when the cheque was given to her. After making the accusation, grandma called my mum a bitch and told her to never come back (this is highly out of character for her and very distressing for my mum).

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Ever since then mum has basically been estranged from her parents, and is very distraught about it. This is made worse by grandma telling other people in the family that mum stole the money, which again is not true. My brother (28M) has more to do with our grandparents than I do, so he’s still visited them in this time. Apparently, he’s tried to bring up the whole issue with grandma to resolve it, but I honestly don’t believe him (he has zero sense of loyalty or integrity and is 100% maintaining his relationship with our grandparents for their money, but that’s a whole other post…).

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That brings us to now. About 2 weeks ago, grandpa had a fall and is now in hospital with either a broken hip or pelvis (the story changes depending on who we ask). My brother was at their house when it happened, and had to call an ambulance (after calling our mum twice to ask for permission???) because grandma wasn’t going to do it.

Mum has visited grandpa and is in contact with his social workers at the hospital. It’s possible he will be able to keep living at home with some additional support, which is good because I don’t think either of them want to go into a home (even though they probably need to be). The only person who I can see being able to help my grandparents during this transition is my mum – she is the only person who’s been able to help them with so many things (she has siblings but they’re all untrustworthy or unreliable), and I know she wants to support her dad. The only obstacle is her mother.

I’m planning on going to my grandparents’ house tomorrow and telling her that she needs to let mum back in so she can support grandpa, and that it would be a shame for grandpa to be put in a home because grandma wouldn’t let my mum support him (not to mention if he goes into a home, she’ll have to go too because she can’t look after herself). I am a little concerned about her being angry at me, but I want to look out for the best interests of my mum and grandpa. Any advice on how I should approach this? Sorry for length but it's complicated and I want it to be over before someone dies.

Submitted June 27, 2019 at 11:49PM

Tl;dr: my grandma accused my mum of stealing money (she didn’t), and now they’re not talking. My grandpa has broken his hip and will need my mum’s support to be able to stay at home with grandma. I am planning on going to their house to set the record straight and tell grandma she has to let my mum back in so she can support grandpa.​Some background on my grandparents: they are quite old and frail and have been for most of my life. She has rheumatoid arthritis and is frequently in a lot of pain, and he has dementia (he’s otherwise quite independent and looks after my grandma fairly well). I’ve never been really close to them, but my mum has always had a good relationship with her parents (at least as an adult – they had a much less positive relationship when she was young).​Ever since my great aunt (grandma’s sister) died a few years ago, my mum has been giving her parents some support with financial stuff (they are decently affluent, but got into a situation where they weren’t paying their rent and nearly lost their house. Basically, they have money, but no idea about paying bills and dealing with the housing department). In return my grandma has occasionally helped mum out with money (we have always been pretty poor. On the rare occasion she’s given us money it has gone to bills and car repairs). Most recently (either late last year or early this year), she gave my mum a cheque for $900.​From way back in January this year, grandma has started to become almost as forgetful as grandpa, as well as vindictive and nasty. She basically bullies grandpa (e.g. blaming him for the incident where they weren’t paying their rent, although it wasn’t his fault) and says a lot of nasty things about family members behind their backs.A few months ago shit really hit the fan when she accused my mum of stealing the $900, which was given to her as a cheque. I can say for certain that mum did not, would not, and could not steal anything from anyone, especially not her parents. I was there when the cheque was given to her. After making the accusation, grandma called my mum a bitch and told her to never come back (this is highly out of character for her and very distressing for my mum).​Ever since then mum has basically been estranged from her parents, and is very distraught about it. This is made worse by grandma telling other people in the family that mum stole the money, which again is not true. My brother (28M) has more to do with our grandparents than I do, so he’s still visited them in this time. Apparently, he’s tried to bring up the whole issue with grandma to resolve it, but I honestly don’t believe him (he has zero sense of loyalty or integrity and is 100% maintaining his relationship with our grandparents for their money, but that’s a whole other post…).​That brings us to now. About 2 weeks ago, grandpa had a fall and is now in hospital with either a broken hip or pelvis (the story changes depending on who we ask). My brother was at their house when it happened, and had to call an ambulance (after calling our mum twice to ask for permission???) because grandma wasn’t going to do it.Mum has visited grandpa and is in contact with his social workers at the hospital. It’s possible he will be able to keep living at home with some additional support, which is good because I don’t think either of them want to go into a home (even though they probably need to be). The only person who I can see being able to help my grandparents during this transition is my mum – she is the only person who’s been able to help them with so many things (she has siblings but they’re all untrustworthy or unreliable), and I know she wants to support her dad. The only obstacle is her mother.I’m planning on going to my grandparents’ house tomorrow and telling her that she needs to let mum back in so she can support grandpa, and that it would be a shame for grandpa to be put in a home because grandma wouldn’t let my mum support him (not to mention if he goes into a home, she’ll have to go too because she can’t look after herself). I am a little concerned about her being angry at me, but I want to look out for the best interests of my mum and grandpa. Any advice on how I should approach this? Sorry for length but it's complicated and I want it to be over before someone dies.