I [37m] want to give an ultimatum to an ex [29f], but I'm not sure if I should or how to do it.

I met her a little over three years ago. I had just finished post-grad and was job hunting nationally, she had just gotten out of a very serious long-distance relationship. As a result, neither one of us were looking for anything serious. However, the first month we dated was like a fairy tale, and I fell for her quickly.

About a month in, she breaks the news that she is so averse to commitment that she isn’t even willing to date anyone exclusively, and has been seeing another guy. I believe she and I met first so it was around the same month length. I didn’t take this well. I told her I had no interest in sharing, so unless she was willing to break it off with Other Dude, I was out. She hates ultimatums and put her defenses up. We argued for a day or two.

Naturally, a few days later I got a job offer in fly-over country and took it. I figured since I was leaving anyway, let’s just make the best of the last month. We made an uneasy truce and thankfully the last month was even better than the first. I said I loved her and she said it back. We were inseparable to the point where I wondered if Other Guy was even in the picture anymore. One morning I got up at 6am, we hugged for a little too long, I told her goodbye while I stood in the rain like in a bad movie. I drove 26 hours inland.

We talked every day for a week or two but ultimately it was too hard and we stopped. I don’t remember the specifics. I went back on a work-related trip about 6 weeks later and she refused to see me. OK.

She was never far from my mind after that, and apparently I wasn’t far from hers. The pattern that emerged was her checking in every 6 months or so through text. I knew she was seeing someone but she’d always initiate. She set some rules for herself and would change subjects often if things got heavy. I went back twice a year for work but again, she wouldn’t see me, only text. We’d talk until the guilt of the emotional affair built up in her and she had to shut it down for another stretch.

This went on until last fall sometime. It all became too much, I suppose, and she wrote an email which read, in part:

I don’t want you to wait for me or make big changes for or because of me. I want you to live your life and look for the love that you deserve, in someone who will give it to you now. You deserve mine. All of it, not half or a quarter, or whatever I allow that day. This sneaky, flirty texting. You not being allowed to share what you want when you want to. Me being allowed to just reach out and chat with you whenever I’m feeling lonely or missing you. It’s bullshit. You deserve better. You know you deserve better. And I refuse to be the selfish asshole who makes you feel sad. I don’t know what the future holds. If it involves me and you I don’t want it built on the foundation of me being a sneaky asshole to my current partner. That is no way to build a history for us.

I hated it but saw her point, and I didn’t reach out after that. I thought it was done.

Until almost 6 months to the day when she texted me again. This was a 2+ months ago and we’ve been in regular contact since.

She now lives in a different city in the same state. She is still with Other Guy and moved for him. She left her job and her artistic pursuits behind and is now miserable. I suspect that’s where I come in. The tenor of our conversations has shifted and are personal in a way they weren’t before.

I do love her, too. I have no doubt that we’d be married by now had I stayed, and I would cut off a toe if it meant she’d move to me. The big toe, even. She is unequivocally The One That Got Away. I do believe she’s unhappy, I do believe she wants a change, and I do believe she still loves me but that is where my confidence in this situation ends.

I don’t know what to do now. We talk, I’m happy, but it’s fleeting and ultimately shallow. We don’t talk and I spend all day wondering why not like a fucking teenager. I want to tell her to shit or get off the pot. She knows the damage these conversations have to both of us but she won’t stop. I honestly do not want her to, either. So we just follow a cycle until we’re both unhappy and cut off from one another. She’s my drug addiction.

She’s indicated that she’s open to moving. She’s terrified of making a big life change. The town I live in now sucks and she will certainly hate it so I’m not exactly pushing her. I definitely want to end up with her. I’ve dated a bunch and nobody has come close, before or since. But I also need to not drape myself with incredible baggage over a situation I can’t control.

I need a good way to tell her to make up her damn mind and do something, whatever the outcome is, without coming across like the same ultimatum I made 3+ years ago. She’ll reject it out of principle. Maybe there isn’t a way, but I’d like to avoid it if possible.

tl;dr - left the love of my life for a job, regret it, and she keeps reaching out to tell me she misses me. Not sure how to tell her to figure it out and do something.

Submitted June 27, 2019 at 11:52PM

I met her a little over three years ago. I had just finished post-grad and was job hunting nationally, she had just gotten out of a very serious long-distance relationship. As a result, neither one of us were looking for anything serious. However, the first month we dated was like a fairy tale, and I fell for her quickly.About a month in, she breaks the news that she is so averse to commitment that she isn’t even willing to date anyone exclusively, and has been seeing another guy. I believe she and I met first so it was around the same month length. I didn’t take this well. I told her I had no interest in sharing, so unless she was willing to break it off with Other Dude, I was out. She hates ultimatums and put her defenses up. We argued for a day or two.Naturally, a few days later I got a job offer in fly-over country and took it. I figured since I was leaving anyway, let’s just make the best of the last month. We made an uneasy truce and thankfully the last month was even better than the first. I said I loved her and she said it back. We were inseparable to the point where I wondered if Other Guy was even in the picture anymore. One morning I got up at 6am, we hugged for a little too long, I told her goodbye while I stood in the rain like in a bad movie. I drove 26 hours inland.We talked every day for a week or two but ultimately it was too hard and we stopped. I don’t remember the specifics. I went back on a work-related trip about 6 weeks later and she refused to see me. OK.She was never far from my mind after that, and apparently I wasn’t far from hers. The pattern that emerged was her checking in every 6 months or so through text. I knew she was seeing someone but she’d always initiate. She set some rules for herself and would change subjects often if things got heavy. I went back twice a year for work but again, she wouldn’t see me, only text. We’d talk until the guilt of the emotional affair built up in her and she had to shut it down for another stretch.This went on until last fall sometime. It all became too much, I suppose, and she wrote an email which read, in part:I don’t want you to wait for me or make big changes for or because of me. I want you to live your life and look for the love that you deserve, in someone who will give it to you now. You deserve mine. All of it, not half or a quarter, or whatever I allow that day. This sneaky, flirty texting. You not being allowed to share what you want when you want to. Me being allowed to just reach out and chat with you whenever I’m feeling lonely or missing you. It’s bullshit. You deserve better. You know you deserve better. And I refuse to be the selfish asshole who makes you feel sad. I don’t know what the future holds. If it involves me and you I don’t want it built on the foundation of me being a sneaky asshole to my current partner. That is no way to build a history for us.I hated it but saw her point, and I didn’t reach out after that. I thought it was done.Until almost 6 months to the day when she texted me again. This was a 2+ months ago and we’ve been in regular contact since.She now lives in a different city in the same state. She is still with Other Guy and moved for him. She left her job and her artistic pursuits behind and is now miserable. I suspect that’s where I come in. The tenor of our conversations has shifted and are personal in a way they weren’t before.I do love her, too. I have no doubt that we’d be married by now had I stayed, and I would cut off a toe if it meant she’d move to me. The big toe, even. She is unequivocally The One That Got Away. I do believe she’s unhappy, I do believe she wants a change, and I do believe she still loves me but that is where my confidence in this situation ends.I don’t know what to do now. We talk, I’m happy, but it’s fleeting and ultimately shallow. We don’t talk and I spend all day wondering why not like a fucking teenager. I want to tell her to shit or get off the pot. She knows the damage these conversations have to both of us but she won’t stop. I honestly do not want her to, either. So we just follow a cycle until we’re both unhappy and cut off from one another. She’s my drug addiction.She’s indicated that she’s open to moving. She’s terrified of making a big life change. The town I live in now sucks and she will certainly hate it so I’m not exactly pushing her. I definitely want to end up with her. I’ve dated a bunch and nobody has come close, before or since. But I also need to not drape myself with incredible baggage over a situation I can’t control.I need a good way to tell her to make up her damn mind and do something, whatever the outcome is, without coming across like the same ultimatum I made 3+ years ago. She’ll reject it out of principle. Maybe there isn’t a way, but I’d like to avoid it if possible.tl;dr - left the love of my life for a job, regret it, and she keeps reaching out to tell me she misses me. Not sure how to tell her to figure it out and do something.