/u/Riskie_Biscuits on Ask an allo anything (Aug. 2021)

allo

I'll really only speak from my own personal experience on this one.

For me, sex is an important part of a committed, romantic relationship (with one important caveat which I'll get to below). It's always been an expression of intimacy. When you're romantically involved with someone, sex goes beyond being purely physical and takes on deeper meaning. It becomes an expression of trust. When I love someone, I want to share myself with them, my passions, my hopes, my fears, experiences, and also my body.

Sex can feel like the ultimate expression of being physically close with someone you love. You want to hold their hand, you want to cuddle up with them on the couch, you want to hold them close to you. For me, sexual intimacy is in many ways, an extension of that, the next level.

Here's the caveat, I felt different about this when I started dating an ace. I still desire sex, it's still a want or urge that I have. A desire for sex isn't something I can turn on or off, it's always there. But you can't share an experience that's meant to be an expression of mutual intimacy with someone who straight up can't reciprocate it. If an ace doesn't see sex as an act of intimacy, there's no way the two of you can SHARE that experience. It's all about connecting with my partner for me, sharing things together.

There are difficulties in taking sex out of the relationship for me. I've always known it as an important way to express intimacy and it's always been an important part of my previous allo-allo relationships (If I was with another allo, who I knew felt sexual desire but didn't want to have sex with me, that would be a big red flag). I feel a need to please my partner, emotionally and physically. Understanding that your partner simply doesn't see a sexual relationship in the same way you do can be hard to understand. But a relationship should be based on who you're with.

August 25, 2021 at 11:28PM