My memories of her haunts me life a ghost from the past.

I don't know if this belongs in this sub. However, I really want to get this out of my chest. I am not asking for advice but I one someone to listen/read my story and give me some insight. Memories of my past haunts me until this very day. I think about the times she and I shared together. I guess now that I look at it, in-a-way I guess I am indeed asking for advice on how to try and ease my pain.

I am now 30 years-old, I am happily married to a beautiful Filipina wife and a young son.

A long time ago, when I migrated here in the US, I was merely 14 years-old when I met E. Freshman high school. At first, I was starstruck when I first saw her. This white girl with dirty-blonde hair, blue-eyes, freckled cheeks, a slender body, and boobs about the size of pomelo. While I was this chubby, insecure foreign kid with a thick Filipino accent.

What were my chances right?

Comes summer, we had US history class together and she became part of my little study group. She wasn't snub like I thought she was (like one of those cliché white girls in the movies) I eventually got to know her more and I got to express myself to her. The insecurities I had to myself eventually went away by just her telling me that it's ok to be a foreign kid with an accent, that I should be comfortable with my own skin. She was this awesome girl who looks beyond your appearance and sees you for who you are on the inside.

She boosted my confidence and I decided to lose some weight.

I eventually asked her out. Confessed my feelings to her and we soon became a couple during out Junior year despite of my ugly appearance. I even started modeling for her drawing class doing crazy-weird-ass poses while her entire class drew my figure. I was happy, I was proud.

She was my first in everything while she was very experienced. I got my first blowjob from her, she was my first very first sex. She taught me things I didn't know. We used to sneak into her house when her parents are out of town, we would have sex and get high on Mary Janes after. Her room would reek of the scent of weed but that was cool. Eventually, we no longer have to sneak behind her parents and I would just sleep-over at their house and her parents are cool with me doing it with their daughter. They were very "liberated/liberal" as many conservative Filipinos would put it.

Around summer of 2008 right after our Junior year, things between us just kind of fell apart. Due to many differences in our views in life.

I met this more conservative Filipina who reflects my views more. There are many similarities in our likes and views and the more I hang out with this Filipina (who eventually became my wife who I am with now) the more distant I became to E.

I realized that E and I weren't even an item but were more like fuck buddies (this is the excuse I keep telling myself to justify why everything fell apart), but I loved her, and I still do. I wouldn't have written this if I don't.

Comes the last day of school, I decided that I would kiss E and confess to her how much she really meant to me. But my insecurities got the best of me. She was pretty, she was better off without me and I knew she can fulfill her future better without me. After all, I can't be with a liberal Atheist who does not fit my more conservative views. I know, it's a very stupid reason but that's how it went. Graduation day came to an end without me telling her how much I love her. Up until now, even with a caring and loving wife and a wonderful son, I still think of that white girl who once meant everything to me. The one that got away.

Up until now, I regret the fact that I was too much of a fucking coward for letting her go. I had her but I let our differences divide us. I still think of what could have been if we were instead became together. Would I have been happy with her?

But instead, my insecurities makes me think that I would just drag her down because of my immaturity. I always think that she will not be happy with me. I tend to make excuses as to why I let her go.

Tl;dr

I fell in love with a girl from high school. It didn't work out due to cultural differences. I have not gotten over of her even years after.

Submitted August 24, 2020 at 12:17AM

I don't know if this belongs in this sub. However, I really want to get this out of my chest. I am not asking for advice but I one someone to listen/read my story and give me some insight. Memories of my past haunts me until this very day. I think about the times she and I shared together. I guess now that I look at it, in-a-way I guess I am indeed asking for advice on how to try and ease my pain.I am now 30 years-old, I am happily married to a beautiful Filipina wife and a young son.A long time ago, when I migrated here in the US, I was merely 14 years-old when I met E. Freshman high school. At first, I was starstruck when I first saw her. This white girl with dirty-blonde hair, blue-eyes, freckled cheeks, a slender body, and boobs about the size of pomelo. While I was this chubby, insecure foreign kid with a thick Filipino accent.What were my chances right?Comes summer, we had US history class together and she became part of my little study group. She wasn't snub like I thought she was (like one of those cliché white girls in the movies) I eventually got to know her more and I got to express myself to her. The insecurities I had to myself eventually went away by just her telling me that it's ok to be a foreign kid with an accent, that I should be comfortable with my own skin. She was this awesome girl who looks beyond your appearance and sees you for who you are on the inside.She boosted my confidence and I decided to lose some weight.I eventually asked her out. Confessed my feelings to her and we soon became a couple during out Junior year despite of my ugly appearance. I even started modeling for her drawing class doing crazy-weird-ass poses while her entire class drew my figure. I was happy, I was proud.She was my first in everything while she was very experienced. I got my first blowjob from her, she was my first very first sex. She taught me things I didn't know. We used to sneak into her house when her parents are out of town, we would have sex and get high on Mary Janes after. Her room would reek of the scent of weed but that was cool. Eventually, we no longer have to sneak behind her parents and I would just sleep-over at their house and her parents are cool with me doing it with their daughter. They were very "liberated/liberal" as many conservative Filipinos would put it.Around summer of 2008 right after our Junior year, things between us just kind of fell apart. Due to many differences in our views in life.I met this more conservative Filipina who reflects my views more. There are many similarities in our likes and views and the more I hang out with this Filipina (who eventually became my wife who I am with now) the more distant I became to E.I realized that E and I weren't even an item but were more like fuck buddies (this is the excuse I keep telling myself to justify why everything fell apart), but I loved her, and I still do. I wouldn't have written this if I don't.Comes the last day of school, I decided that I would kiss E and confess to her how much she really meant to me. But my insecurities got the best of me. She was pretty, she was better off without me and I knew she can fulfill her future better without me. After all, I can't be with a liberal Atheist who does not fit my more conservative views. I know, it's a very stupid reason but that's how it went. Graduation day came to an end without me telling her how much I love her. Up until now, even with a caring and loving wife and a wonderful son, I still think of that white girl who once meant everything to me. The one that got away.Up until now, I regret the fact that I was too much of a fucking coward for letting her go. I had her but I let our differences divide us. I still think of what could have been if we were instead became together. Would I have been happy with her?But instead, my insecurities makes me think that I would just drag her down because of my immaturity. I always think that she will not be happy with me. I tend to make excuses as to why I let her go.Tl;drI fell in love with a girl from high school. It didn't work out due to cultural differences. I have not gotten over of her even years after.