I [20M] messed up an LDR with an amazing girl [18F]

I will say now that this is a long read. I split it up into 3 labeled parts: part 1 focuses on the backstory, part 2 focuses on some self-reflection of our relationship, part 3 focuses on where I am now. My thoughts are very jumbled but.....If you actually take the time to read through all of it, I would appreciate any advice or opinions you have.

Part 1: Backstory

A year and a half ago, I met this girl over xbox that I really didn't think much of. We had played for like a week and then never really talked again until 7 months later when she invited me to her xbox party and we started playing regularly together. After a few months of flirting we had become pretty close. We knew a lot about each other and even though we both were pretty obvious with the flirting neither of us admitted it. For context she was 18/f and in highschool and I was 20/m and a third year college student. She lived in New York and I live in Indiana. My family has more money than hers (not that that was important in any way but...) and she has a really complicated family dynamic due to her divorced parents. At this point we snapchatted each other daily, multiple times a day and she had confided some really deep and personal trauma that she had been through to me.... in other words, we were incredibly close with each other.

After a few more months, she casually mentioned to me that she was going out with friends and that a younger highschool boy kept asking her out. She was not interested in the younger guy at all but the topic of her dating made me incredibly insecure and eventually I confessed my love for her. It was the most amazing thing in my life because she felt the same way and it felt like I was living a movie love story. She was really skeptical about the idea of dating because of the distance and after a few more weeks of convincing her, I got her to reject a guy in her hometown who had been trying to start a relationship with her for months as well. A month later, it took a lot of convincing but she agreed to let me drive up to New York (25 hr roundtrip) and visit her for a week. (This was just before coronavirus had become a big thing). Believe me when I tell you that it was the best trip of my life. She was fully and completely in love with me and I was even more so in love with her. I'll admit that she was my first everything...first kiss, first girl I ever saw naked, first girl I....touched. We never had sex because she wasn't ready and honestly neither was I despite me instigating it multiple times.

Unfortunately my mother was so pissed off about me driving up there that she literally flew to NY and begged me to leave early. I hated seeing my mother like that so I cut my trip short...something I regret incredibly. Because coronavirus had shut down both our schools, we played xbox with each other nearly daily for hours on end. We would video call when we were doing homework and would chat whenever we had the chance. The problem was that we would also argue a lot. She never realized how insecure I was because of the fact that I knew a lot of guys in her town wanted to sleep with her (whether she realized it or not) and sometimes she would take hours to respond to my messages and other stuff that isn't worth mentioning. I loved this girl with all my heart but I was realizing that the frequency of our fights were taking a toll on her. She suffers from anxiety and would often be drained anytime we had a simple disagreement. I was also guilty of being manipulative on multiple occasions because she would often try to slow things down and just go back to being close friends but I would convince her that we would always be able to overcome any obstacles if we just worked together. Believe me when I say I would give up my life for this girl... she is like nothing words could describe. Despite her depression and anxiety, she somehow was the most bubbly, hilarious, beautiful, and genuinely unique human being I could ever imagine. She had a child like spirit that made me fall so deeply in love that I couldnt imagine ever letting her go.

One day, my mother had found out that my girlfriend had been sending me nudes when my dumbass friend brought it up on accident while my mom was in the room, and my mom fell into a severe depression. A day later I called my girlfriend (who I never mentioned this incident to) and she out of nowhere dropped a bomb on me and asked me why we were still in a relationship. I was in emotional turmoil from the nudes situation and this just felt like the final shot to my head. I had defended my girlfriend from the judgement of my family for months just for her to drop that on me. I won't lie, I reacted badly but she refused to even let me talk to her because she no longer wanted to hear my pleading or manipulation to stay with me. She then blocked me on snapchat, instagram, facebook, xbox, my phone number...everything except discord. A week after the breakup, I asked her why she was being so hard on me when she knew I only ever wanted to be the reason that her smile never left her face. She then blocked me on discord after I had pushed my luck.

At this point, her birthday was coming up and I had already bought her birthday presents prior to our breakup. I know I sound crazy but the day before her birthday, I drove back up to NY to surprise her and wish her a happy brithday and graduation. Yes, I showed up to her house uninvited, I know thats psychotic, and I know that screams stalker behavior. I'm not even trying to justify any of it. But you simply don't understand how much this girl means to me. She was everthing I ever wanted out of life and more. I would give up everything I own to just have her in my life again. She was very upset to see me and asked me to leave the same day even though I hadnt slept for 40+ hours and had nowhere to stay. I wish my stupidity ended there. A month later I made a new facebook account and sent a message to her mother (who I had the feeling liked me and wished things had worked out) telling her that I still cared very much for her daughter and wanted to work things out. I offered to fly both my ex and her mother to Indiana to visit for a few days and maybe establish a friendship at the least..... she entertained the idea for a second but then I got left on read....by her mother. And my ex gf blocked that facebook account too even though I never messaged her directly.

And I'm not giving this girl any credit here because she was amazing to me in every way and I was in no way the perfect companion I'm not proud to admit. She did so much for me to make me happy that I took for granted. She would put my happiness before her own because of my insecurity and I never told her how much it all meant to me. She told her whole family about me (something that I hurt her by never fully doing myself), she wore a ring I gave her for months in front of her friends and family, she posted things about us on snapchat, which to me meant so much whether she realized it or not. It was weird having someone not be ashamed to know me for once in my life. She had the biggest heart and I only ever wanted to protect it from all the hell in her life.

Part 2: Self-reflection of our relationship

Before you all say it, please spare me. I know my behaviors are obsessive, I know what I did was wrong and manipulative and I know I sound like a grade A psychopath stalker. She was in love with me, but her depression and anxiety made her skeptical and my insecure behavior made her fall out of love. And I know that theres "other fish in the sea" and that I'm just naive because she was my first. But I would give up my life to make that girl smile. She is the most precious thing I have ever seen and I wish I could just hug her and take all of the hurt out of her life. I was stupid for being so pushy and desperate post-breakup because I know I was just scaring her more. There's a lot more to this story but the main points are here. A girl like that is once in a lifetime. She was worth everything to me. I'd wait months for her if thats what it took. I loved her so much, and I know thats an overwhelming thing to say but its true.

I don't even care for a relationship or anything at this point. I just wish we could go back to being at least xbox friends. She never realized that I was more afraid of being in the relationship than she ever was. I just acted like it was everything I wanted because I knew that if she knew how afraid I was, our combined doubt would ruin everything. I never told her this but I had recurring nightmares when we were still together because she was always the last thing on my mind before I went to bed each night and I would wake up in cold sweats with my heart beating at 100 mph from the sheer anxiety going through me. I may live in america but she never realized that my foreign upbringing made me fear the living hell out of commitment, and again I never told her that. I just pretended to be confident. I wish she would realize that despite my psycho behavior, the only thing I wanted was a casual relationship... someone to talk to. I never had that until college. Not as a child, not in highschool. Never. I never had friends come over to my house, I never spent the night at a friend's house, I never went to parties... It was all new to me. It was never as serious as I had scared her into believing it was.

To me, we were never in a relationship. It was just a label I pushed on us to maintain our exclusivity. But the word scared the living hell out of her probably as much as it scared me. Those times when she'd try to break things off and go back to being friends, it never made sense to me because I couldn't picture us acting any differently towards each other despite the change in title. And I wasn't pushing the title of relationship/exclusivity because I didn't trust her... it was because I knew exactly what the other guys in her life would try to do if it weren't there... she was oblivious (or at least acted like she was for my sake) to just how much guys fell for her playful and beautiful spirit. I always saw her more as the best friend I never had... the person I could tell anything to and know that it would stay between us. She was my best friend (whether she realized it or not) before we were ever anything else.

She finally broke it off when she needed time and space to work on herself and her mental health. And I won't lie, at the time when it happened, I had begun to act unattractively clingy and I don't blame her at all. I didn't even realize how lame I was being until I realized how often I called her or checked up on her without cause. But I still didn't know how I was standing in the way of that. If anything, I only ever wanted to be there to support her and watch her grow into the beautiful and strong woman that I knew she was. If she needed space, it was hers. If she needed time, it was hers. I only wanted to be there alongside her to be that one person in her life who didn't give up on her when she expected me to the most. I wanted to be the one she trusted and relied on for strength when she was feeling low.

I wanted to be the one to motivate her to do better in life because relationships are more than just falling in love... it's about inspiring each other to become better versions of ourselves. She was never big on religion but it plays a huge role in my life and I used to stay up for hours late at night praying to God that he would take all of her burdens and troubles and put them on my shoulders instead, because I knew that I could handle anything as long as she was by my side. She used to have this stupid wallpaper on her phone of this word "meliorism." It's the belief that the world gets better more or less. I used to tease her for the cheesiness of it until I realized that that message was what I was trying to get across to her for the longest time ever. The idea that the depression and anxiety would perhaps always be there, but would diminish and be pushed aside by the love of all of those around her who cared so deeply about her. I hope she never changed that wallpaper.

Instead of telling her those things, I smothered her. I f**ked up and smothered her with attention because for some reason I refused to listen to my brain telling me to lay off and give the girl a breather. She said she could no longer return my love given her anxiety and depression let alone all the stupid things going on in the world right now. And I completely understand that. I just wanted her to ask me to wait for her because she knew that I gladly would have without hesitation. I'm just indifferent at this point. I'm not sad, I'm not happy... I'm just indifferent. I don't want her pity, I don't want anyone's pity because I'm not sad anymore. I don't even want a relationship. All of my fears of being in one came true. I just don't want to be her enemy. Don't want to be another reason she doesn't trust men. I just want to talk to her, but she'd rather pretend that I never existed. It hurts. I'd give up my life for this girl and it f**king hurts. As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to be mad her. I just want to go back to being xbox friends. I miss my best friend.

She doesn't realize that I still go out of my way to try and do what little things I can to make her happy. Even though she blocked me on xbox, I still get notifications of when she is online for some reason. I realized that after playing with her more or less exclusively for the last 6 months, she didn't really have other friends to play with other than the guys that were more my friends than hers. Whenever I get the notification that she's online, I purposefully stop playing with my friends or leave their party so that she can feel comfortable to join them and play with them without worrying that I'm there. I'd rather see her happy playing with my friends than see her just get off xbox or play by herself.

--------- This is where my thoughts get extra jumbled and don't flow cohesively ----------

***each remaining paragraph in part 2 is a separate thought that has little to do with the last

Loving a female that has never been loved the proper way takes a lot of patience. I was stupid and rushed things. She doesn't realize that the way the people around her mistreat her and largely disregard her own desires is not okay. She's never been properly loved and I screwed up my chance to make her realize that she's worthy of so much more. She could never understand what it was about her that I liked so much or found unique...it was how wonderfully different she was from everyone I already knew. It was because of how different she was that made me fight so hard to keep her in my life. She was the goofiest, funniest, most one of a kind person I've ever met. Being a premed double major made my life stressful at times and she was always that breath of fresh air that I could come back to at the end of the day and play a couple of games with.

Our arguments were always the worst because we'd have them over text most of the time and she was always reluctant to answer my calls whenever we butted heads. It would drive me insane because I only ever wanted to hear the emotion in her voice and let her hear the sincerity in mine. More importantly, I wanted to be able to hear when I had gone too hard and reached the point of making her cry. I was never worthy of her tears and it would leave a knot in my chest for hours when she'd tell me afterwards that I had brought her to tears. I always thought our arguments were good in the long run because they were an opportunity for us to learn more about each other but I was so wrong for not taking her anxiety into consideration and the toll it was taking on her health.

She always accused me of never listening to her concerns or just brushing aside anything she'd say. While my actions definitely seemed like it, she knew that that was never the case. She knew better than anyone that very few things slip my memory when she was talking and I'd write down the rest to make sure I never forgot. But she never knew that I'd stay up for hours late at night following our arguments thinking about what I did wrong and how I could do better to show her that I was listening, that I was always listening but was just too afraid to give her what she wanted. I always knew what she wanted, but I was so disgustingly stupid and stubborn to give her those things because it often meant not being in a relationship with her. Now I've lost the best thing in my life and am paying the price.

I romanticized the relationship as though I was directing a romantic film and casted us as the main stars. I was trying to do too much too soon and ended up pressuring her rather than reassuring her. I remember her telling me that she wanted to move to New Orleans for college so that she could go clubbing and have fun and enjoy the people and food there. And I guess I had no right to overwhelm her like this, but I always wanted to be the one to give her those opportunities that I had that she perhaps might not have had... not because I pitied her or anything like that or thought that I was better than her or her family in any way, but because it genuinely made me happy to imagine making those memories with her.

I'm in college. Enjoying street/nightlife, going on road trips to cedar point and kings island with friends, going out to concerts in big cities... stuff like that is normal for people my age, and I guess it was kind of hard to realize on my part that it wasn't perhaps as normal for a high school girl to be doing those things and as a result, I ended up just overwhelming her whenever I mentioned stuff like that. To me, I was just offering to take my best friend out for a good time to make some good memories, but I guess I never stopped to think about what those things meant to her. I guess that's another way I scared her into thinking our relationship was more serious than it ever was. My old roommate got engaged just the other day. A friend from high school is having a kid. This kind of stuff is... normal I guess at my age so I never understood why me asking if I could drive out and see her before the summer ended (obviously when we were still together) was such a big deal to her. I say I never understood why she was so afraid by how serious our relationship was, but the more I think about it, it couldn't be more obvious.

Despite me reassuring her that this wasn't the case, she thought that I was crazy enough to pull an engagement ring out of my pocket at any minute, when that couldn't be further from what I wanted. I live with my parents for f*cks sake, I'm still in college and am no where near reaching a point where I'd be financially able to support her let alone afford a ring in the first place. I never wanted to think about that kind of stuff because I was just happy with having someone there alongside me who cared about me. Of course I had every intention of doing those things one day but never any time in the near future. I can't imagine all of the anxiety I put through that precious girl's head.

On multiple occasions in the past, she'd say that I knew so much about her when she barely knew jack sh*t about me, and there was a huge reason for that. I had made the mistake of telling her the Middle East's perspective on dating and marriage and it scared the ever-living f*ck out of her. I remember a conversation we had over the phone so many months ago where she literally asked me if we were married whether I'd sleep in the same bed as her or not (for context, I had told her that my parents don't but that it had nothing to do with anything other than preference). I could never forget even if I tried the true sincerity and pure innocence behind her voice when she asked that. That very day, I made the conscious decision to never mention those things to her again because I didn't want her thinking long-term. I didn't want her to think about the future because I know its scary. I know its a lot to take in. It was a lot for me too. And she never realized that we had a lot of the same fears.

Do you think for a second that it's easy for me to stand in front of my parents and tell them that I'm driving to New York to talk to a girl that blocked me? Do you think it's easy for an arab city boy to show up at a girl's house in a redneck town driving a BMW trying to make a good impression on her parents that look at me and see nothing but a "limp-dick science major?" Do you think it's easy for me to just get up and drive 12.5 hours to a state I've barely ever been to and feel safe staying at someone's house who I've just met for the first time in person? Of course not, but for some reason she thought this was all easy on me and never stopped to consider that I was just as afraid of meeting her irl as she was of meeting me. I made a million and one mistakes, I'm not excusing nor dismissing that FACT, but give me some goddamn credit. Name one person you know that would fight as hard as I have for the person they loved...that's right, you can't.

I read one of those twitter relationship posts a while back that said to find someone who puts effort into pursuing you, puts effort into keeping you, who believes leaving and giving up isn't an option. I guess I wanted to be that person for her so much to the point I overdid it and scared her away. I always told her that our relationship was never going to be easy because of the distance, but then again when is anything worth it ever easy? I just wanted her to be happy. Not confused, not hurt, not stressed... just happy. And unfortunately what makes her happy now is not talking to me....I can't even begin to explain how insignificant that makes me feel.

For some unexplainable reason, I thought I knew what was best for her and would push my will onto her without really thinking about how my actions were taking a toll on her. I was beyond stupid and selfish and to think she stayed with me for as long as she did is a testament to how forgiving this girl's heart was. She probably doesn't remember but she actually told me once after I had made an unforgivable mistake that broke her trust (no, it had nothing to do with infidelity) that the major reason her mind was telling her to look past the incident was because she knew the true intentions of my heart.

She never knew this but she was a huge reason that I lost a lot of weight and was motivated to improve my appearance. The prospect of potentially meeting her in person (though it was highly unlikely at the time I made this decision) had motivated me to lose 20 pounds in the span of two months leading up to the first time I visited her irl. She had shown me pics of military dudes who'd flirt with her and I knew I had to get my sh*t together if I wanted to give her the best version of myself. I was embarrassed to admit it but it was a big reason why I pressured her so hard into letting me visit her that soon despite her reluctance... I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep the weight off and I didn't want to disappoint her,

Believe me when I say that I know this girl never owed me anything. I never believed that for even a second or ever wanted her to think that because I know my gestures (driving up there or money-wise) made her incredibly uncomfortable. I spent over $3,500 on her over the course of 3 months (only $700 was actually on her but the other 2.8k was on gas, a hotel, traffic tickets, and car repairs resulting from the long drives). And to be perfectly honest, I'd do it all again (minus the traffic tickets ofc and the whole showing up uninvited...yea) because I like the thought of imagining the smile on her face when she got flowers delivered to her house or recognized the thought behind a gift that I was giving her in person.

I mean no disrespect whatsoever when I say this because I know my family is lucky to be better off financially than others, but when I went to visit her the second time on her birthday, I spent the better part of an hour talking to her mother on the porch while girly was still sleeping and she told me that she was just going to give her daughter money for her 18th birthday. I could be completely wrong and most probably am but it made me feel bad inside to think that her own mother hadn't even put a little effort into making her 18th birthday a bigger deal than they had. And I don't mean that in a monetary kind of way (I've never had a birthday party or any of that jazz) but it made me feel bad that this precious girl whose senior year and graduation had largely gone to sh*t because of corona wasn't getting more attention for her milestone. I'm not going to pretend like the sh*tty gifts I got her were that great or anything but I certainly had put a lot of time trying to come up with something more personalized/sentimental for her. Not to mention the fact that her half-brother who is half her age had been given four-wheelers in the past for his birthday and her own father never gave her one that was supposed to be hers....this was something she had been really upset about not even a month prior when we were still talking.

I always playfully annoyed her with my "do as I say but not as I do" mentality (I'm studying medicine even though my interest is in architecture) whenever I would encourage her to pursue her interests instead of worrying too much about college. As an arab, I kind of have that chauvinistic view built into me that I would be the sole provider for my family (hence why I chose medicine) and that my partner wouldn't really have to worry about college or work unless they wanted to. I always wanted her to go to college and have a backup plan of course, but more so I really wanted her to have the freedom to explore her talents and attempt a less conventional career as an artist (which she definitely has the talent for) or a twitch streamer (which she has all of the charisma for) with the confidence that she would always have my support, both mentally and financially, to pursue such a career. The last time I spoke to her in person, she also told me about her passion to become an actress but didn't have the resources to pursue such a path.

(I had actually spent time following my second visit looking for scholarships and programs in schools near her area where she could attend acting classes or theater programs in the fall if she so desired and made a list of them in what would have been the second letter that I had written to her following my second visit to NY where things greatly went to sh*t. While messaging her for the last time before she finally blocked me for good, she had said that she "didn't give a f*ck about my [first] letter"... so I intercepted the second one before it got delivered and she never knew about any of it.)

I had spent literal hours on websites prior to her birthday (and our breakup) trying to find decently priced gaming chairs, mics, LEDs, webcams, etc in her favorite colors for her so that I could show her my support and encouragement to pursue those interests. The delivery delay due to corona was the only thing holding me back from okaying some of those purchases... but I guess it was probably for the better.

I hate the way I've talked about her throughout this post as though her life was just this hole of despair where she was just waiting on someone to come in and make it all better. That's not the case at all nor did I ever have that mindset at any point during our relationship. If anything, my own ego is what drove me to sort of assume that role subconsciously. And I know a lot of the times it sounds like I was trying to "buy her love." Also not the case. I feel good inside when I can spend my money on other people and nothing made me feel better than spending money on her.

I didn't exactly make my own healing process any easier. Anytime I open my photo album on my phone, I see a picture of her staring back at me and I can't help but start scrolling through the hundreds of them that I have on there. Pictures of her beautiful face, screenshots of some of the adorable things she would say in the middle of our conversations, goofy videos of her dancing while drinking chocolate milk...it's hard to let go of those memories that had made me happy for so long.

Part 3: Where I am now

I just feel weird now, I guess. I'm not really sad but just disappointed with the lasting impression I left on her. I don't think she realizes that it's not as serious as I made it seem. I acted desperate, needy, lost without her. Of course I was depressed that I was losing my best friend, but I definitely overexaggerated how I was feeling. I had begun to rely on her for happiness and I never really realized until she was no longer a part of my life. And for some reason, I would convince myself that it was the end of the world leading me to do the stupid things I did (i.e. pestering her nonstop when she needed space, going to NY uninvited, messaging her mother, etc.). I don't know why it took watching her walk out of my life for me to take a step back and ask myself, "what in the literal f*ck are you doing?"

I know I'll be fine and that everything will be okay after a little time has passed and I get busy with school again, but unfortunately I can't take back those stupid mistakes I made. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking immediately after we had just broke up... why I kept messaging her, why I still didn't just f*ck off and give her a little space, why I thought I had a bomb strapped to my chest and had to fix things with her as soon as humanly possible. Just thinking about the sheer psychoticism of the things I did makes me ashamed for scaring the living hell out of that precious girl. I'm honestly glad she blocked me... I needed it to help get her off my mind. Of course I still miss my best friend and wish she'd reach out but I doubt she'll ever care enough about me to do so at this point, which is thoroughly justified. I've luckily started getting busy again to keep my mind occupied. It helps having less free time...less time to let my mind get the better of me.

I'm embarrassed to look back and think of all the pathetic things I did over the last two months. I'm done being that person. I'm done being a p*ssy. If only I had got my sh*t together sooner rather than later and acted like a man that she would be proud of being around. As someone that both my family and close friends rely on heavily more mental strength, I feel disgusted with myself for letting them down and showing them this ugly, defeated side of myself.

I still think about her from time to time when something sparks an old memory, still have some of my old nightmares on bad days, but that beautiful girl never owed me anything. I still hope deep down that she'll reach out one day and be my gaming friend like before, but I guess that's completely up to her. I'm just glad that I've reached the point where I can look back on what I've done and realize how incredibly stupid and immature I was acting. I feel bad for what I did to that poor girl... hopefully she has already reached a similar point where she can look back and realize that it was never as serious or intense or even scary as I had made it all seem. I'm sure she has. She was always stronger than me in that way.

Despite her hatred for me, I know she knows that I'd never do any of that psycho stuff again... never drive back up to NY, never make stupid comments like "I'd rather die than not be with you," never overwhelm her with words like "I love you", none of that dumb sh*t. I was naive and I'm past that. But that doesn't change the fact that I still miss talking to her while playing my favorite games after a long day.

I think what upsets me most is that I never actually got to be her boyfriend. I only actually got to be one for three days when I visited her the first time when we were both in love. Those were the best three days of my life without question and I'm just upset that she never gave me the chance to take her out on a real date any time after that. It was those everyday things that you do with your partner that you never think about that I wanted so much. I wanted to take her to the dunes to try four-wheeling and swimming on the beach, I wanted to rent out a boat and try water skiing with her, I wanted to sit on a recliner with her and watch our favorite movies, I wanted to go on late night drives listening to music with the sunroof down, wanted to take her mountain biking, wanted to have a BBQ with her by the pool. I wanted all of those simple things...none of that serious stuff that I kept scaring her with. I just liked...being there...with her, I guess. I don't really know. The feeling of having her in my arms was everything I ever wanted I suppose. I miss that feeling...the feeling of her hands wrapped up in mine...the feeling of her body when she'd cuddle up in my grasp...the way she'd innocently look at me when she'd catch me staring at her beautiful face. I just wanted the chance to be a real boyfriend to her, not a long distance one.

I can't bring myself to be mad at her, but I can't help but be bitter at the fact that she took all of my effort and genuine concern for granted. From her own experiences and that of her mother, she knows how hard it can be to find a person that is willing to put that much effort into making things work. It doesn't make complete sense to me. I gave you my love and you didn't want it. Okay, that's fine. I can accept that. I can't force you to feel things you don't feel. And I'm not excusing the huge mistakes I made, but why are you acting like I've been trying to hurt you this entire time? Why are you shutting me out like I had cheated on you or physically abused you or something horrible? Everybody has their reasons and I don't have the right to play victim here but it still confuses me when I think about it.

I wouldn't go to the extent of calling her ungrateful or anything like that but I definitely think she sometimes makes decisions without thinking long and hard about them. And that's not to pretend that I was so great or anything like that but rather that she maybe didn't consider how difficult and maybe even fortunate it is to find a stranger that cares that much about her...if that makes sense. It's almost like saying shame on me for caring.

Nothing about our relationship was fair. We never got to have the fun parts of a relationship. The parts where you actually got to be together with each other, making memories, having fun....I think that's the part that both of us wanted most but never got.

I haven't talked to her in well over two months at this point and I think I can finally say that I'm over it by now. And I know for a fact that she's been over it for much much longer. She's entitled to her own hatred towards me but I guess its just hard for me to understand why we can't just be civil towards each other at this point.

I really don't know what came over me to write this all here, but it kind of feels good I guess. It's probably best that she focuses on her first year of college and I focus on my last. With classes being online due to covid, I'm sure we'll both have more free time than we know what to do with. If she ever changed her mind, and I know she won't, she knows how to contact me. If you've actually kept reading to this point, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

**TL;DR; : I [20M] messed up a long distance relationship with an amazing girl [18F]. Don't be me.

Submitted August 07, 2020 at 12:02AM

I will say now that this is a long read. I split it up into 3 labeled parts: part 1 focuses on the backstory, part 2 focuses on some self-reflection of our relationship, part 3 focuses on where I am now. My thoughts are very jumbled but.....If you actually take the time to read through all of it, I would appreciate any advice or opinions you have.Part 1: BackstoryA year and a half ago, I met this girl over xbox that I really didn't think much of. We had played for like a week and then never really talked again until 7 months later when she invited me to her xbox party and we started playing regularly together. After a few months of flirting we had become pretty close. We knew a lot about each other and even though we both were pretty obvious with the flirting neither of us admitted it. For context she was 18/f and in highschool and I was 20/m and a third year college student. She lived in New York and I live in Indiana. My family has more money than hers (not that that was important in any way but...) and she has a really complicated family dynamic due to her divorced parents. At this point we snapchatted each other daily, multiple times a day and she had confided some really deep and personal trauma that she had been through to me.... in other words, we were incredibly close with each other.After a few more months, she casually mentioned to me that she was going out with friends and that a younger highschool boy kept asking her out. She was not interested in the younger guy at all but the topic of her dating made me incredibly insecure and eventually I confessed my love for her. It was the most amazing thing in my life because she felt the same way and it felt like I was living a movie love story. She was really skeptical about the idea of dating because of the distance and after a few more weeks of convincing her, I got her to reject a guy in her hometown who had been trying to start a relationship with her for months as well. A month later, it took a lot of convincing but she agreed to let me drive up to New York (25 hr roundtrip) and visit her for a week. (This was just before coronavirus had become a big thing). Believe me when I tell you that it was the best trip of my life. She was fully and completely in love with me and I was even more so in love with her. I'll admit that she was my first everything...first kiss, first girl I ever saw naked, first girl I....touched. We never had sex because she wasn't ready and honestly neither was I despite me instigating it multiple times.Unfortunately my mother was so pissed off about me driving up there that she literally flew to NY and begged me to leave early. I hated seeing my mother like that so I cut my trip short...something I regret incredibly. Because coronavirus had shut down both our schools, we played xbox with each other nearly daily for hours on end. We would video call when we were doing homework and would chat whenever we had the chance. The problem was that we would also argue a lot. She never realized how insecure I was because of the fact that I knew a lot of guys in her town wanted to sleep with her (whether she realized it or not) and sometimes she would take hours to respond to my messages and other stuff that isn't worth mentioning. I loved this girl with all my heart but I was realizing that the frequency of our fights were taking a toll on her. She suffers from anxiety and would often be drained anytime we had a simple disagreement. I was also guilty of being manipulative on multiple occasions because she would often try to slow things down and just go back to being close friends but I would convince her that we would always be able to overcome any obstacles if we just worked together. Believe me when I say I would give up my life for this girl... she is like nothing words could describe. Despite her depression and anxiety, she somehow was the most bubbly, hilarious, beautiful, and genuinely unique human being I could ever imagine. She had a child like spirit that made me fall so deeply in love that I couldnt imagine ever letting her go.One day, my mother had found out that my girlfriend had been sending me nudes when my dumbass friend brought it up on accident while my mom was in the room, and my mom fell into a severe depression. A day later I called my girlfriend (who I never mentioned this incident to) and she out of nowhere dropped a bomb on me and asked me why we were still in a relationship. I was in emotional turmoil from the nudes situation and this just felt like the final shot to my head. I had defended my girlfriend from the judgement of my family for months just for her to drop that on me. I won't lie, I reacted badly but she refused to even let me talk to her because she no longer wanted to hear my pleading or manipulation to stay with me. She then blocked me on snapchat, instagram, facebook, xbox, my phone number...everything except discord. A week after the breakup, I asked her why she was being so hard on me when she knew I only ever wanted to be the reason that her smile never left her face. She then blocked me on discord after I had pushed my luck.At this point, her birthday was coming up and I had already bought her birthday presents prior to our breakup. I know I sound crazy but the day before her birthday, I drove back up to NY to surprise her and wish her a happy brithday and graduation. Yes, I showed up to her house uninvited, I know thats psychotic, and I know that screams stalker behavior. I'm not even trying to justify any of it. But you simply don't understand how much this girl means to me. She was everthing I ever wanted out of life and more. I would give up everything I own to just have her in my life again. She was very upset to see me and asked me to leave the same day even though I hadnt slept for 40+ hours and had nowhere to stay. I wish my stupidity ended there. A month later I made a new facebook account and sent a message to her mother (who I had the feeling liked me and wished things had worked out) telling her that I still cared very much for her daughter and wanted to work things out. I offered to fly both my ex and her mother to Indiana to visit for a few days and maybe establish a friendship at the least..... she entertained the idea for a second but then I got left on read....by her mother. And my ex gf blocked that facebook account too even though I never messaged her directly.And I'm not giving this girl any credit here because she was amazing to me in every way and I was in no way the perfect companion I'm not proud to admit. She did so much for me to make me happy that I took for granted. She would put my happiness before her own because of my insecurity and I never told her how much it all meant to me. She told her whole family about me (something that I hurt her by never fully doing myself), she wore a ring I gave her for months in front of her friends and family, she posted things about us on snapchat, which to me meant so much whether she realized it or not. It was weird having someone not be ashamed to know me for once in my life. She had the biggest heart and I only ever wanted to protect it from all the hell in her life.Part 2: Self-reflection of our relationshipBefore you all say it, please spare me. I know my behaviors are obsessive, I know what I did was wrong and manipulative and I know I sound like a grade A psychopath stalker. She was in love with me, but her depression and anxiety made her skeptical and my insecure behavior made her fall out of love. And I know that theres "other fish in the sea" and that I'm just naive because she was my first. But I would give up my life to make that girl smile. She is the most precious thing I have ever seen and I wish I could just hug her and take all of the hurt out of her life. I was stupid for being so pushy and desperate post-breakup because I know I was just scaring her more. There's a lot more to this story but the main points are here. A girl like that is once in a lifetime. She was worth everything to me. I'd wait months for her if thats what it took. I loved her so much, and I know thats an overwhelming thing to say but its true.I don't even care for a relationship or anything at this point. I just wish we could go back to being at least xbox friends. She never realized that I was more afraid of being in the relationship than she ever was. I just acted like it was everything I wanted because I knew that if she knew how afraid I was, our combined doubt would ruin everything. I never told her this but I had recurring nightmares when we were still together because she was always the last thing on my mind before I went to bed each night and I would wake up in cold sweats with my heart beating at 100 mph from the sheer anxiety going through me. I may live in america but she never realized that my foreign upbringing made me fear the living hell out of commitment, and again I never told her that. I just pretended to be confident. I wish she would realize that despite my psycho behavior, the only thing I wanted was a casual relationship... someone to talk to. I never had that until college. Not as a child, not in highschool. Never. I never had friends come over to my house, I never spent the night at a friend's house, I never went to parties... It was all new to me. It was never as serious as I had scared her into believing it was.To me, we were never in a relationship. It was just a label I pushed on us to maintain our exclusivity. But the word scared the living hell out of her probably as much as it scared me. Those times when she'd try to break things off and go back to being friends, it never made sense to me because I couldn't picture us acting any differently towards each other despite the change in title. And I wasn't pushing the title of relationship/exclusivity because I didn't trust her... it was because I knew exactly what the other guys in her life would try to do if it weren't there... she was oblivious (or at least acted like she was for my sake) to just how much guys fell for her playful and beautiful spirit. I always saw her more as the best friend I never had... the person I could tell anything to and know that it would stay between us. She was my best friend (whether she realized it or not) before we were ever anything else.She finally broke it off when she needed time and space to work on herself and her mental health. And I won't lie, at the time when it happened, I had begun to act unattractively clingy and I don't blame her at all. I didn't even realize how lame I was being until I realized how often I called her or checked up on her without cause. But I still didn't know how I was standing in the way of that. If anything, I only ever wanted to be there to support her and watch her grow into the beautiful and strong woman that I knew she was. If she needed space, it was hers. If she needed time, it was hers. I only wanted to be there alongside her to be that one person in her life who didn't give up on her when she expected me to the most. I wanted to be the one she trusted and relied on for strength when she was feeling low.I wanted to be the one to motivate her to do better in life because relationships are more than just falling in love... it's about inspiring each other to become better versions of ourselves. She was never big on religion but it plays a huge role in my life and I used to stay up for hours late at night praying to God that he would take all of her burdens and troubles and put them on my shoulders instead, because I knew that I could handle anything as long as she was by my side. She used to have this stupid wallpaper on her phone of this word "meliorism." It's the belief that the world gets better more or less. I used to tease her for the cheesiness of it until I realized that that message was what I was trying to get across to her for the longest time ever. The idea that the depression and anxiety would perhaps always be there, but would diminish and be pushed aside by the love of all of those around her who cared so deeply about her. I hope she never changed that wallpaper.Instead of telling her those things, I smothered her. I f**ked up and smothered her with attention because for some reason I refused to listen to my brain telling me to lay off and give the girl a breather. She said she could no longer return my love given her anxiety and depression let alone all the stupid things going on in the world right now. And I completely understand that. I just wanted her to ask me to wait for her because she knew that I gladly would have without hesitation. I'm just indifferent at this point. I'm not sad, I'm not happy... I'm just indifferent. I don't want her pity, I don't want anyone's pity because I'm not sad anymore. I don't even want a relationship. All of my fears of being in one came true. I just don't want to be her enemy. Don't want to be another reason she doesn't trust men. I just want to talk to her, but she'd rather pretend that I never existed. It hurts. I'd give up my life for this girl and it f**king hurts. As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to be mad her. I just want to go back to being xbox friends. I miss my best friend.She doesn't realize that I still go out of my way to try and do what little things I can to make her happy. Even though she blocked me on xbox, I still get notifications of when she is online for some reason. I realized that after playing with her more or less exclusively for the last 6 months, she didn't really have other friends to play with other than the guys that were more my friends than hers. Whenever I get the notification that she's online, I purposefully stop playing with my friends or leave their party so that she can feel comfortable to join them and play with them without worrying that I'm there. I'd rather see her happy playing with my friends than see her just get off xbox or play by herself.--------- This is where my thoughts get extra jumbled and don't flow cohesively ----------***each remaining paragraph in part 2 is a separate thought that has little to do with the lastLoving a female that has never been loved the proper way takes a lot of patience. I was stupid and rushed things. She doesn't realize that the way the people around her mistreat her and largely disregard her own desires is not okay. She's never been properly loved and I screwed up my chance to make her realize that she's worthy of so much more. She could never understand what it was about her that I liked so much or found unique...it was how wonderfully different she was from everyone I already knew. It was because of how different she was that made me fight so hard to keep her in my life. She was the goofiest, funniest, most one of a kind person I've ever met. Being a premed double major made my life stressful at times and she was always that breath of fresh air that I could come back to at the end of the day and play a couple of games with.Our arguments were always the worst because we'd have them over text most of the time and she was always reluctant to answer my calls whenever we butted heads. It would drive me insane because I only ever wanted to hear the emotion in her voice and let her hear the sincerity in mine. More importantly, I wanted to be able to hear when I had gone too hard and reached the point of making her cry. I was never worthy of her tears and it would leave a knot in my chest for hours when she'd tell me afterwards that I had brought her to tears. I always thought our arguments were good in the long run because they were an opportunity for us to learn more about each other but I was so wrong for not taking her anxiety into consideration and the toll it was taking on her health.She always accused me of never listening to her concerns or just brushing aside anything she'd say. While my actions definitely seemed like it, she knew that that was never the case. She knew better than anyone that very few things slip my memory when she was talking and I'd write down the rest to make sure I never forgot. But she never knew that I'd stay up for hours late at night following our arguments thinking about what I did wrong and how I could do better to show her that I was listening, that I was always listening but was just too afraid to give her what she wanted. I always knew what she wanted, but I was so disgustingly stupid and stubborn to give her those things because it often meant not being in a relationship with her. Now I've lost the best thing in my life and am paying the price.I romanticized the relationship as though I was directing a romantic film and casted us as the main stars. I was trying to do too much too soon and ended up pressuring her rather than reassuring her. I remember her telling me that she wanted to move to New Orleans for college so that she could go clubbing and have fun and enjoy the people and food there. And I guess I had no right to overwhelm her like this, but I always wanted to be the one to give her those opportunities that I had that she perhaps might not have had... not because I pitied her or anything like that or thought that I was better than her or her family in any way, but because it genuinely made me happy to imagine making those memories with her.I'm in college. Enjoying street/nightlife, going on road trips to cedar point and kings island with friends, going out to concerts in big cities... stuff like that is normal for people my age, and I guess it was kind of hard to realize on my part that it wasn't perhaps as normal for a high school girl to be doing those things and as a result, I ended up just overwhelming her whenever I mentioned stuff like that. To me, I was just offering to take my best friend out for a good time to make some good memories, but I guess I never stopped to think about what those things meant to her. I guess that's another way I scared her into thinking our relationship was more serious than it ever was. My old roommate got engaged just the other day. A friend from high school is having a kid. This kind of stuff is... normal I guess at my age so I never understood why me asking if I could drive out and see her before the summer ended (obviously when we were still together) was such a big deal to her. I say I never understood why she was so afraid by how serious our relationship was, but the more I think about it, it couldn't be more obvious.Despite me reassuring her that this wasn't the case, she thought that I was crazy enough to pull an engagement ring out of my pocket at any minute, when that couldn't be further from what I wanted. I live with my parents for f*cks sake, I'm still in college and am no where near reaching a point where I'd be financially able to support her let alone afford a ring in the first place. I never wanted to think about that kind of stuff because I was just happy with having someone there alongside me who cared about me. Of course I had every intention of doing those things one day but never any time in the near future. I can't imagine all of the anxiety I put through that precious girl's head.On multiple occasions in the past, she'd say that I knew so much about her when she barely knew jack sh*t about me, and there was a huge reason for that. I had made the mistake of telling her the Middle East's perspective on dating and marriage and it scared the ever-living f*ck out of her. I remember a conversation we had over the phone so many months ago where she literally asked me if we were married whether I'd sleep in the same bed as her or not (for context, I had told her that my parents don't but that it had nothing to do with anything other than preference). I could never forget even if I tried the true sincerity and pure innocence behind her voice when she asked that. That very day, I made the conscious decision to never mention those things to her again because I didn't want her thinking long-term. I didn't want her to think about the future because I know its scary. I know its a lot to take in. It was a lot for me too. And she never realized that we had a lot of the same fears.Do you think for a second that it's easy for me to stand in front of my parents and tell them that I'm driving to New York to talk to a girl that blocked me? Do you think it's easy for an arab city boy to show up at a girl's house in a redneck town driving a BMW trying to make a good impression on her parents that look at me and see nothing but a "limp-dick science major?" Do you think it's easy for me to just get up and drive 12.5 hours to a state I've barely ever been to and feel safe staying at someone's house who I've just met for the first time in person? Of course not, but for some reason she thought this was all easy on me and never stopped to consider that I was just as afraid of meeting her irl as she was of meeting me. I made a million and one mistakes, I'm not excusing nor dismissing that FACT, but give me some goddamn credit. Name one person you know that would fight as hard as I have for the person they loved...that's right, you can't.I read one of those twitter relationship posts a while back that said to find someone who puts effort into pursuing you, puts effort into keeping you, who believes leaving and giving up isn't an option. I guess I wanted to be that person for her so much to the point I overdid it and scared her away. I always told her that our relationship was never going to be easy because of the distance, but then again when is anything worth it ever easy? I just wanted her to be happy. Not confused, not hurt, not stressed... just happy. And unfortunately what makes her happy now is not talking to me....I can't even begin to explain how insignificant that makes me feel.For some unexplainable reason, I thought I knew what was best for her and would push my will onto her without really thinking about how my actions were taking a toll on her. I was beyond stupid and selfish and to think she stayed with me for as long as she did is a testament to how forgiving this girl's heart was. She probably doesn't remember but she actually told me once after I had made an unforgivable mistake that broke her trust (no, it had nothing to do with infidelity) that the major reason her mind was telling her to look past the incident was because she knew the true intentions of my heart.She never knew this but she was a huge reason that I lost a lot of weight and was motivated to improve my appearance. The prospect of potentially meeting her in person (though it was highly unlikely at the time I made this decision) had motivated me to lose 20 pounds in the span of two months leading up to the first time I visited her irl. She had shown me pics of military dudes who'd flirt with her and I knew I had to get my sh*t together if I wanted to give her the best version of myself. I was embarrassed to admit it but it was a big reason why I pressured her so hard into letting me visit her that soon despite her reluctance... I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep the weight off and I didn't want to disappoint her,Believe me when I say that I know this girl never owed me anything. I never believed that for even a second or ever wanted her to think that because I know my gestures (driving up there or money-wise) made her incredibly uncomfortable. I spent over $3,500 on her over the course of 3 months (only $700 was actually on her but the other 2.8k was on gas, a hotel, traffic tickets, and car repairs resulting from the long drives). And to be perfectly honest, I'd do it all again (minus the traffic tickets ofc and the whole showing up uninvited...yea) because I like the thought of imagining the smile on her face when she got flowers delivered to her house or recognized the thought behind a gift that I was giving her in person.I mean no disrespect whatsoever when I say this because I know my family is lucky to be better off financially than others, but when I went to visit her the second time on her birthday, I spent the better part of an hour talking to her mother on the porch while girly was still sleeping and she told me that she was just going to give her daughter money for her 18th birthday. I could be completely wrong and most probably am but it made me feel bad inside to think that her own mother hadn't even put a little effort into making her 18th birthday a bigger deal than they had. And I don't mean that in a monetary kind of way (I've never had a birthday party or any of that jazz) but it made me feel bad that this precious girl whose senior year and graduation had largely gone to sh*t because of corona wasn't getting more attention for her milestone. I'm not going to pretend like the sh*tty gifts I got her were that great or anything but I certainly had put a lot of time trying to come up with something more personalized/sentimental for her. Not to mention the fact that her half-brother who is half her age had been given four-wheelers in the past for his birthday and her own father never gave her one that was supposed to be hers....this was something she had been really upset about not even a month prior when we were still talking.I always playfully annoyed her with my "do as I say but not as I do" mentality (I'm studying medicine even though my interest is in architecture) whenever I would encourage her to pursue her interests instead of worrying too much about college. As an arab, I kind of have that chauvinistic view built into me that I would be the sole provider for my family (hence why I chose medicine) and that my partner wouldn't really have to worry about college or work unless they wanted to. I always wanted her to go to college and have a backup plan of course, but more so I really wanted her to have the freedom to explore her talents and attempt a less conventional career as an artist (which she definitely has the talent for) or a twitch streamer (which she has all of the charisma for) with the confidence that she would always have my support, both mentally and financially, to pursue such a career. The last time I spoke to her in person, she also told me about her passion to become an actress but didn't have the resources to pursue such a path.(I had actually spent time following my second visit looking for scholarships and programs in schools near her area where she could attend acting classes or theater programs in the fall if she so desired and made a list of them in what would have been the second letter that I had written to her following my second visit to NY where things greatly went to sh*t. While messaging her for the last time before she finally blocked me for good, she had said that she "didn't give a f*ck about my [first] letter"... so I intercepted the second one before it got delivered and she never knew about any of it.)I had spent literal hours on websites prior to her birthday (and our breakup) trying to find decently priced gaming chairs, mics, LEDs, webcams, etc in her favorite colors for her so that I could show her my support and encouragement to pursue those interests. The delivery delay due to corona was the only thing holding me back from okaying some of those purchases... but I guess it was probably for the better.I hate the way I've talked about her throughout this post as though her life was just this hole of despair where she was just waiting on someone to come in and make it all better. That's not the case at all nor did I ever have that mindset at any point during our relationship. If anything, my own ego is what drove me to sort of assume that role subconsciously. And I know a lot of the times it sounds like I was trying to "buy her love." Also not the case. I feel good inside when I can spend my money on other people and nothing made me feel better than spending money on her.I didn't exactly make my own healing process any easier. Anytime I open my photo album on my phone, I see a picture of her staring back at me and I can't help but start scrolling through the hundreds of them that I have on there. Pictures of her beautiful face, screenshots of some of the adorable things she would say in the middle of our conversations, goofy videos of her dancing while drinking chocolate milk...it's hard to let go of those memories that had made me happy for so long.Part 3: Where I am nowI just feel weird now, I guess. I'm not really sad but just disappointed with the lasting impression I left on her. I don't think she realizes that it's not as serious as I made it seem. I acted desperate, needy, lost without her. Of course I was depressed that I was losing my best friend, but I definitely overexaggerated how I was feeling. I had begun to rely on her for happiness and I never really realized until she was no longer a part of my life. And for some reason, I would convince myself that it was the end of the world leading me to do the stupid things I did (i.e. pestering her nonstop when she needed space, going to NY uninvited, messaging her mother, etc.). I don't know why it took watching her walk out of my life for me to take a step back and ask myself, "what in the literal f*ck are you doing?"I know I'll be fine and that everything will be okay after a little time has passed and I get busy with school again, but unfortunately I can't take back those stupid mistakes I made. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking immediately after we had just broke up... why I kept messaging her, why I still didn't just f*ck off and give her a little space, why I thought I had a bomb strapped to my chest and had to fix things with her as soon as humanly possible. Just thinking about the sheer psychoticism of the things I did makes me ashamed for scaring the living hell out of that precious girl. I'm honestly glad she blocked me... I needed it to help get her off my mind. Of course I still miss my best friend and wish she'd reach out but I doubt she'll ever care enough about me to do so at this point, which is thoroughly justified. I've luckily started getting busy again to keep my mind occupied. It helps having less free time...less time to let my mind get the better of me.I'm embarrassed to look back and think of all the pathetic things I did over the last two months. I'm done being that person. I'm done being a p*ssy. If only I had got my sh*t together sooner rather than later and acted like a man that she would be proud of being around. As someone that both my family and close friends rely on heavily more mental strength, I feel disgusted with myself for letting them down and showing them this ugly, defeated side of myself.I still think about her from time to time when something sparks an old memory, still have some of my old nightmares on bad days, but that beautiful girl never owed me anything. I still hope deep down that she'll reach out one day and be my gaming friend like before, but I guess that's completely up to her. I'm just glad that I've reached the point where I can look back on what I've done and realize how incredibly stupid and immature I was acting. I feel bad for what I did to that poor girl... hopefully she has already reached a similar point where she can look back and realize that it was never as serious or intense or even scary as I had made it all seem. I'm sure she has. She was always stronger than me in that way.Despite her hatred for me, I know she knows that I'd never do any of that psycho stuff again... never drive back up to NY, never make stupid comments like "I'd rather die than not be with you," never overwhelm her with words like "I love you", none of that dumb sh*t. I was naive and I'm past that. But that doesn't change the fact that I still miss talking to her while playing my favorite games after a long day.I think what upsets me most is that I never actually got to be her boyfriend. I only actually got to be one for three days when I visited her the first time when we were both in love. Those were the best three days of my life without question and I'm just upset that she never gave me the chance to take her out on a real date any time after that. It was those everyday things that you do with your partner that you never think about that I wanted so much. I wanted to take her to the dunes to try four-wheeling and swimming on the beach, I wanted to rent out a boat and try water skiing with her, I wanted to sit on a recliner with her and watch our favorite movies, I wanted to go on late night drives listening to music with the sunroof down, wanted to take her mountain biking, wanted to have a BBQ with her by the pool. I wanted all of those simple things...none of that serious stuff that I kept scaring her with. I just liked...being there...with her, I guess. I don't really know. The feeling of having her in my arms was everything I ever wanted I suppose. I miss that feeling...the feeling of her hands wrapped up in mine...the feeling of her body when she'd cuddle up in my grasp...the way she'd innocently look at me when she'd catch me staring at her beautiful face. I just wanted the chance to be a real boyfriend to her, not a long distance one.I can't bring myself to be mad at her, but I can't help but be bitter at the fact that she took all of my effort and genuine concern for granted. From her own experiences and that of her mother, she knows how hard it can be to find a person that is willing to put that much effort into making things work. It doesn't make complete sense to me. I gave you my love and you didn't want it. Okay, that's fine. I can accept that. I can't force you to feel things you don't feel. And I'm not excusing the huge mistakes I made, but why are you acting like I've been trying to hurt you this entire time? Why are you shutting me out like I had cheated on you or physically abused you or something horrible? Everybody has their reasons and I don't have the right to play victim here but it still confuses me when I think about it.I wouldn't go to the extent of calling her ungrateful or anything like that but I definitely think she sometimes makes decisions without thinking long and hard about them. And that's not to pretend that I was so great or anything like that but rather that she maybe didn't consider how difficult and maybe even fortunate it is to find a stranger that cares that much about her...if that makes sense. It's almost like saying shame on me for caring.Nothing about our relationship was fair. We never got to have the fun parts of a relationship. The parts where you actually got to be together with each other, making memories, having fun....I think that's the part that both of us wanted most but never got.I haven't talked to her in well over two months at this point and I think I can finally say that I'm over it by now. And I know for a fact that she's been over it for much much longer. She's entitled to her own hatred towards me but I guess its just hard for me to understand why we can't just be civil towards each other at this point.I really don't know what came over me to write this all here, but it kind of feels good I guess. It's probably best that she focuses on her first year of college and I focus on my last. With classes being online due to covid, I'm sure we'll both have more free time than we know what to do with. If she ever changed her mind, and I know she won't, she knows how to contact me. If you've actually kept reading to this point, thank you for coming to my TedTalk.**TL;DR; : I [20M] messed up a long distance relationship with an amazing girl [18F]. Don't be me.