Should This FWB Relationship End/ is it Toxic?

TL;DR I am in a friends with benefits relationship with someone since Jan 2020, and this is maybe the 3rd or 4th time I've wanted to end things because he really made me upset. But I keep coming back, and the problems seem smaller than the time they emerged. I need to know if this is a toxic relationship that I should leave, or if I'm incredibly and blindly irrational.

When I (21f) had a break up at the end of 2019, there was a new employee at the place I worked (22m). I guess I seemed pretty down because he found me on Instagram to DM and ask what was wrong. I am a Christian and had abstained from sex until I met this person. We entered a mutual agreement about being friends, and nothing more, who do engage in sex quite often.

There was a discussion earlier on in our engagement where he claimed to want to be more than friends, but later flipped it. I was apathetic about it either way, so I agreed that we could date. But when he said he didn't want a relationship he mentioned that I clearly had feelings for him and wanted a relationship, and that I didn't seem like the type to be fwb. This was quite frustrating for me because not only was none of that true, he both assumed things about me without even asking, and made the decision to distance us based on that. I in fact was ok with not being in a relationship with him, and frankly preferred it that way. And I was fine with being fwb.

I try to be a reasonable person, but in this instance I felt the need to give him the silent treatment, which I realize is immature and is not something I normally do. I wanted him to come to me to fix things, but he never did. So I swallowed my pride and came to him, and we worked things out easily.

We as friends get along quite well. We have the same interests and sense of humor. We are on almost opposite ends of the political and religious "spectrum", but it doesn't become an issue. This is my attachment to him. I have a hard time dealing with loneliness, feelings of being invisible, insecurities, and feeling too weak to stand up for myself. So when I meet a person I relate to and have fun with I really really don't want to let them go, and they can take it pretty far before I end up saying "that's enough".

He is now a state away during this pandemic, and we can only text. Neither of us prefer texting because so much gets lost in just typing. I wanted to do a phone call with him at one point, but he egged me on pretending he wanted to as well, until I called him out saying I can tell he doesn't want to call me and to just stop lying. It took a while before he could be honest with me. I can't help but think he associates phone calls with being in a relationship, which is only speculation, if it is the case however it would certainly irritate me. But that's just it, if he ever does something that upsets me and I bring it up, he always says "we're not dating" or "I'm not your boyfriend" as to maybe indicate that I am upset because I expect him to uphold the standards my boyfriend might, when in reality he simply did something I didn't like and I am not just going to take it in the ass. These aren't things like him responding within a certain time, or talking to other girls, or anything a girlfriend might be bothered by. I will tell you. Things I brought up were: when we were joking around and I said "bee gone", he responded with "thot", which was a reference to a meme that I hadn't heard of, so I thought he was calling me a thot. So I said I didn't like that, and he clarified it was just a reference, to which I said "ok, but right now I just don't like that word". Which I knew was kinda irrational, but I knew he wasn't calling me that after he clarified, but he took it as I was still thinking he called me that, so that got out of hand. We talked about going to a concert, and I offered to pay for his ticket given that he paid me back, and he says "eventually". So I said "what do you mean by that?". He read this and never replied, until a day later it was something that changed the subject. So I told him I wouldn't buy the ticket if he was just gonna pay me when he felt like it (which is in my eyes, fair). But he then says he doesn't want to go with me at all because I jump to conclusions. This bothered me quite a bit. I say "I hope you're happy" and he says "thanks I am pretty happy". I, knowing him, knew he was offended that I suggested he would take advantage of me, so I apologized and clarified that I wasn't meaning to accuse him of that, only then did he apologize to me. And these are the kinds of fights we have. He does something to upset me, I bring it up (I try to be objective and clear in what I have an issue with, at times I can be passive aggressive), and he either writes me off and stops talking to me for days, or accuses me of being confrontational and/or treating him like he is my boyfriend, and I end up apologizing to him because I know this is the only way to get him to respond to me.

I tried to end the friendship not long ago. I spent the day thinking about how I was sick of being frustrated by him and always having to be the bigger man in order to preserve our friendship, being the one who seemed to value it more and willing to swallow my pride even if my transgressions appeared to me less than his. But I couldn't do it. I was very sad for maybe a day or 2 and I came back. He said he would try to be better too. But the issue that prompted me to ask Reddit is now that I sent him a picture of some fan art I drew, asking if he knew the show, and he replies "yeah". I was upset because he said nothing about my drawing, so I ask if he likes it, he says "yeah". And I get a little passive aggressive in saying "Thanks, kinda thought you'd care more" He is a musician and I always make sure to make him feel great about his music whenever he shares it with me, I realize I can't expect people to do the same for me, but his reaction was so apathetic I genuinely hurt me. I was excited to share my creation and his reaction made me feel like it didn't really matter. I mean, if he had said "oh that's cool" I would've been happy. I don't think I'm that demanding in saying his reaction was not what I wanted. But I told him not to worry about it and he says "ok". Please tell me I'm wrong to say that was meant to provoke. And this is something I wonder too, because I am not the type to play games like this, I am usually direct. But when speaking with him I'm compelled to act immature. I think he is much more experienced in these mind games and I just keep losing, which really pisses me off. I just imagine that I know if someone shared their work with me, I make sure to say something positive (given it's true) because I know it matters to them. But when he said that, he also said he didn't care whether people reacted to what he shows them at all. And I say well I'm not like you. Is this not fair? Am I being irrational? I feel crazy even thinking it's me in the wrong.

The most frustrating thing is that I am workable. If you tell me I'm being irrational I really try to listen and think about my actions. I know I have things to work on and I am not afraid to be told I'm in the wrong, and I don't get mad when I am told. So I can accept it if I am, my issue is that I told him the things that bother me just plain and simple, and he accuses me of freaking out. I'm never yelling, swearing, anything like that. And he only focuses on what I'm doing wrong and never owns up to what he is doing wrong unless I end up apologizing. This can't be right. Everyone tells me I should just forget the dude and that he is a douche. Even so, he admits himself he is a douche and a dick, which I never accused him of until today. But still I'm compelled because of 2 things; they barely know him/only know him through what I told them about him, and besides his impenetrable ego he has been a true friend to me. I hate losing friends, and I'm thinking that a lot of this is because communication is stunted through text, we never ever fought in person. I don't wanna let go of someone if the issue isn't permanent. But I also can't stand continually being shat on and tossed aside. What do you make of this? I can give more details if need be. And as well, I am the type of person who would rather work through something with a person if they are willing, and maybe help them be better, than to dump them and search for someone better. I see myself as a healer, and I recognize I am taking consistent L's in befriending people who don't treat me as well as I treat them, I only do this if the benefits are greater than the downfalls. But I guess I'm having trouble marking my boundaries in that.

Submitted May 04, 2020 at 11:50PM

TL;DR I am in a friends with benefits relationship with someone since Jan 2020, and this is maybe the 3rd or 4th time I've wanted to end things because he really made me upset. But I keep coming back, and the problems seem smaller than the time they emerged. I need to know if this is a toxic relationship that I should leave, or if I'm incredibly and blindly irrational.When I (21f) had a break up at the end of 2019, there was a new employee at the place I worked (22m). I guess I seemed pretty down because he found me on Instagram to DM and ask what was wrong. I am a Christian and had abstained from sex until I met this person. We entered a mutual agreement about being friends, and nothing more, who do engage in sex quite often.There was a discussion earlier on in our engagement where he claimed to want to be more than friends, but later flipped it. I was apathetic about it either way, so I agreed that we could date. But when he said he didn't want a relationship he mentioned that I clearly had feelings for him and wanted a relationship, and that I didn't seem like the type to be fwb. This was quite frustrating for me because not only was none of that true, he both assumed things about me without even asking, and made the decision to distance us based on that. I in fact was ok with not being in a relationship with him, and frankly preferred it that way. And I was fine with being fwb.I try to be a reasonable person, but in this instance I felt the need to give him the silent treatment, which I realize is immature and is not something I normally do. I wanted him to come to me to fix things, but he never did. So I swallowed my pride and came to him, and we worked things out easily.We as friends get along quite well. We have the same interests and sense of humor. We are on almost opposite ends of the political and religious "spectrum", but it doesn't become an issue. This is my attachment to him. I have a hard time dealing with loneliness, feelings of being invisible, insecurities, and feeling too weak to stand up for myself. So when I meet a person I relate to and have fun with I really really don't want to let them go, and they can take it pretty far before I end up saying "that's enough".He is now a state away during this pandemic, and we can only text. Neither of us prefer texting because so much gets lost in just typing. I wanted to do a phone call with him at one point, but he egged me on pretending he wanted to as well, until I called him out saying I can tell he doesn't want to call me and to just stop lying. It took a while before he could be honest with me. I can't help but think he associates phone calls with being in a relationship, which is only speculation, if it is the case however it would certainly irritate me. But that's just it, if he ever does something that upsets me and I bring it up, he always says "we're not dating" or "I'm not your boyfriend" as to maybe indicate that I am upset because I expect him to uphold the standards my boyfriend might, when in reality he simply did something I didn't like and I am not just going to take it in the ass. These aren't things like him responding within a certain time, or talking to other girls, or anything a girlfriend might be bothered by. I will tell you. Things I brought up were: when we were joking around and I said "bee gone", he responded with "thot", which was a reference to a meme that I hadn't heard of, so I thought he was calling me a thot. So I said I didn't like that, and he clarified it was just a reference, to which I said "ok, but right now I just don't like that word". Which I knew was kinda irrational, but I knew he wasn't calling me that after he clarified, but he took it as I was still thinking he called me that, so that got out of hand. We talked about going to a concert, and I offered to pay for his ticket given that he paid me back, and he says "eventually". So I said "what do you mean by that?". He read this and never replied, until a day later it was something that changed the subject. So I told him I wouldn't buy the ticket if he was just gonna pay me when he felt like it (which is in my eyes, fair). But he then says he doesn't want to go with me at all because I jump to conclusions. This bothered me quite a bit. I say "I hope you're happy" and he says "thanks I am pretty happy". I, knowing him, knew he was offended that I suggested he would take advantage of me, so I apologized and clarified that I wasn't meaning to accuse him of that, only then did he apologize to me. And these are the kinds of fights we have. He does something to upset me, I bring it up (I try to be objective and clear in what I have an issue with, at times I can be passive aggressive), and he either writes me off and stops talking to me for days, or accuses me of being confrontational and/or treating him like he is my boyfriend, and I end up apologizing to him because I know this is the only way to get him to respond to me.I tried to end the friendship not long ago. I spent the day thinking about how I was sick of being frustrated by him and always having to be the bigger man in order to preserve our friendship, being the one who seemed to value it more and willing to swallow my pride even if my transgressions appeared to me less than his. But I couldn't do it. I was very sad for maybe a day or 2 and I came back. He said he would try to be better too. But the issue that prompted me to ask Reddit is now that I sent him a picture of some fan art I drew, asking if he knew the show, and he replies "yeah". I was upset because he said nothing about my drawing, so I ask if he likes it, he says "yeah". And I get a little passive aggressive in saying "Thanks, kinda thought you'd care more" He is a musician and I always make sure to make him feel great about his music whenever he shares it with me, I realize I can't expect people to do the same for me, but his reaction was so apathetic I genuinely hurt me. I was excited to share my creation and his reaction made me feel like it didn't really matter. I mean, if he had said "oh that's cool" I would've been happy. I don't think I'm that demanding in saying his reaction was not what I wanted. But I told him not to worry about it and he says "ok". Please tell me I'm wrong to say that was meant to provoke. And this is something I wonder too, because I am not the type to play games like this, I am usually direct. But when speaking with him I'm compelled to act immature. I think he is much more experienced in these mind games and I just keep losing, which really pisses me off. I just imagine that I know if someone shared their work with me, I make sure to say something positive (given it's true) because I know it matters to them. But when he said that, he also said he didn't care whether people reacted to what he shows them at all. And I say well I'm not like you. Is this not fair? Am I being irrational? I feel crazy even thinking it's me in the wrong.The most frustrating thing is that I am workable. If you tell me I'm being irrational I really try to listen and think about my actions. I know I have things to work on and I am not afraid to be told I'm in the wrong, and I don't get mad when I am told. So I can accept it if I am, my issue is that I told him the things that bother me just plain and simple, and he accuses me of freaking out. I'm never yelling, swearing, anything like that. And he only focuses on what I'm doing wrong and never owns up to what he is doing wrong unless I end up apologizing. This can't be right. Everyone tells me I should just forget the dude and that he is a douche. Even so, he admits himself he is a douche and a dick, which I never accused him of until today. But still I'm compelled because of 2 things; they barely know him/only know him through what I told them about him, and besides his impenetrable ego he has been a true friend to me. I hate losing friends, and I'm thinking that a lot of this is because communication is stunted through text, we never ever fought in person. I don't wanna let go of someone if the issue isn't permanent. But I also can't stand continually being shat on and tossed aside. What do you make of this? I can give more details if need be. And as well, I am the type of person who would rather work through something with a person if they are willing, and maybe help them be better, than to dump them and search for someone better. I see myself as a healer, and I recognize I am taking consistent L's in befriending people who don't treat me as well as I treat them, I only do this if the benefits are greater than the downfalls. But I guess I'm having trouble marking my boundaries in that.