Ghosted by an old flame. Am I overreacting?

I don’t even know if I can call it a breakup. I’m trying to stay strong and not cry all over the place so here I am to vent.

I’m 33 female who weighs closer to the 200 side. I met this guy when I was 19 in college closer to the 119 side. He was 22 when we met. He was the most beautiful guy I’d ever seen and somehow he took an interest in me. I couldn’t believe it bc my self esteem was at 0. I was a really nice girl back then so I went above and beyond for him bc I really liked him. At the same time I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why would this gorgeous man be into me when he could have any girl he wanted? He was the second person I had sex with and he taught me a lot. I sucked at it though and wanted him to like me desperately so I would try and try harder to please him. Later he told me he liked me back then bc I was trainable and ready to learn anything.

He would go weeks without talking to me and I would skip class, binge eat and drink, watch sex and the city, and cry while I waited on him to call me. Later on he told me he had a bunch of stuff going on like losing his phone, becoming homeless, getting arrested etc. so that’s why he wouldn’t get in touch. When I was 21 I got sick of the cycle. At the end of the day this guy was not in a relationship with me and didn’t value me as a friend. I was just a random person in his life I think. So I transferred universities, moved cities, and changed my number for a fresh start. I still missed him and wanted to talk to him all the time. I had to control myself. I truly believed I was obsessed with him or maybe obsessed with the idea of being rejected. Either way it wasn’t healthy. Anyways he got my number from a friend and we resumed our pointless relationship. A 13 year cycle of getting together for a few months and then drifting a part started then.

At one point I got pregnant and thought he would be angry with me. I told him and he seemed really excited. We went from talking everyday to him seeming irritated that I would call and maybe talking once every other week. The idea of raising a child with someone who I thought hated me scared me so I made the selfish decision to have an abortion. I told him and he was so angry and quit talking to me. I left America to travel the world for a bit. We started back talking like a year later. We broke up that time around bc he was facing homelessness and wanted to move in with me. I didn’t get the gravity of the situation so I told him no bc I lived with a roommate. I was struggling to even pay rent and didn’t feel Comfortable moving a guy into that situation. Oddly enough I ended up doing that exact same thing with another guy after his lease expired. Anyways my lover guy was upset I would allow him to be homeless and quit talking to me. I really felt the situation could resolve itself if he just apologized to his mom. It’s what I woulda done.

Anyways I move on from that and start a new relationship with a guy that in retrospect I never really liked. I was 22 at the time and had just graduated. In my mind I needed to settle down and begin building a future. So me and this guy moved in together. My self esteem was on 0. I started binge eating and gained so much weight. I was in a relationship With a guy I wasn’t attracted to who couldn’t give me the future I wanted. He was nice to me but smoke and mirrors financially. He was also really gross. It turned me off. A few months into the relationship I started cheating on him with the guy (subject of this post). I realized I preferred to be with the other guy but didn’t know how to breakup with him. I decided to apply to get a masters at the university in the town the other guy lived in. Funny thing, I didn’t get into that university but got into one 2 hours away. The guy who was subject of this post didn’t believe I didn’t get in and assumed I just decided to go to the other university because he wouldn’t let me live with him. We were excited about the potential of our relationship bc we would live about 2 hours away from each other instead of 4. I lost Weight, moved to the new town, and my self esteem was way higher at this point. I started going out a lot in new town and working full time while in grad school. In between it all, I rarely made time to visit the guy who is the subject of this post. When I would visit him I felt sad bc he wasn’t doing anything with his life besides smoking weed and playing video games. Inspite of that I still wanted to be with him. At the same time I was coming to terms with the idea that I would be making 6 figures. I had been introduced to the good life and loved the idea of dating only other People who made 6 figures so we could have a beautiful life filled with luxury cars, cleaning ladies, vacations etc (what a naive fantasy). The guy who is the subject of this post stayed on my ass about saving money and working out and was just a drag. I met a guy who was finishing med school and decided to jump ship from the original subject of this post. The med school guy ended up being a 4 year waist of time But I digress.

I eventually graduated from grad school and moved to another city for my first job. Med school and I break up I get back with original subject of this post. Cycle Then back and forth for a few years. Me and the original subject of this post last ended 2 years ago when he came to visit and I felt like he no longer fit into my life. I also felt like he had no regard for my life. He ate all the groceries I bought in one day. And food and alcohol and weed. I spent over $1,000 on food, Alcohol, and weed over the 2 weeks he was in Town. This really irritated me bc although I was making tons of money I didn’t have loads of it (student loans baby). He left town on a good note. We were in a great place. He told me I owed him $300 For the food and drink and weed he bought while he was in town. At a certain point I ran out of money and asked him to spend his own money to buy stuff and I would pay him back (as the gracious house). Although he very rarely worked, he was really good about saving money when he did. I Started thinking about It and thought it was crazy I had to give him money for stuff he spent on himself. I didn’t pay him back. He was irritated. Couple that with the fact that I got drunk and found contact info for his family members online and texted them had him pissed. We stop talking.

Fast forward to December. I’m a better place Financially and I’ve been going to therapy so I can stop being codependent and finding My value in men. I started articulating who I wanted to be and realized the person I want to be woulda paid him the money because I said I would. I also came To realize this bc I lent someone $300 in May and he promised to pay it back. He didn’t. We were close friends. I realized he couldn’t value the friendship that much if he let it go for $300. As I reflected on this I decided to PayPal OSOTP (original subject of this post) $300. Along with a note saying I realized what a shitty thing I did. He messaged me back end of January saying he wished me well and would love to connect. We chatted. He asked me if I ever thought about us or regretted what happened. I said on a monthly basis at least. I went to visit him a few days later and stayed for a week. We had a great time. I travel for work so I had to travel for 2 weeks then I went back for 3 weeks. We talked about both really wanting to make it work and stay in each other’s life regardless of what happens. He told me he was dating other people and didn’t plan on stopping. He said he wanted to make that clear if I was coming back into his life.

That was the beginning of the end. We realized we had never spent that much time together. I work from home. I wake up every morning and shower and then get back into bed to work. He goes off to school ( he went back to school bc he decided he wanted better for himself) he noticed I was very sedentary with the exception of the 1 hour I spent at the gym 3 times a week. He is obsessed with p90x and wanted me to commit to p90x. I hate p90x so I told him to leave me alone about it. He is a heavy drinker so I started day drinking too. He asked me to not do that bc it it’s not what I naturally did. He said I couldn’t handle alcohol and would end up just going to bed early and not doing anything (‘‘twas very true). He smoked blacks and I picked up the habit. He asked me not to smoke so I didn’t acquire a new bad habit. He is really in to building a better body so he is only eating veggies. I tried to do the same thing but it irritated me to not eat meat. I would grab a few patties at McDonald’s every other day to make up for it. He got irritated that I didn’t clean. He has adhd and tries to be organized but sucks at it. He always wanted his woman to help him with that. I felt like I was a guest in his home and I didn’t want to mess with his stuff so I didn’t really clean. He also wanted me to cook but thinks I can’t. We also aren’t having sex bc we tried to intiatlly but he thought my vagina was stretched out from my most recent partner. We decided to cool it for a while while I resettled. I did let him try anal though. He didn’t like the way I gave blow jobs anymore bc he said it was tailored for someone else. I tried a bit. Truth be told I was down for making the changes he wanted which amounted to losing weight, being more active, cooking, and cleaning but a part of me was irritated he was still seeing other people. I didn’t feel the need to offer the full package of services if he hadn’t purchased it. A couple of times a week he would let me know he needed to spend some time talking to the other 2 ladies he was dating. I took it all in stride feeling like I deserved it bc I didn’t commit to him earlier.

I left his house last week to come home. One of his other girls was supposed to be visiting him for a few days starting last Friday. He called me last Thursday asking me where my head was at. He said that things He didn’t like about me was just 20% And he saw my 80% and appreciated it more. He said I was in first place and he felt like I was giving 60% when I could give 90% to myself and the relationship. We chatted Friday. Texted Saturday. And I haven’t heard from himself. I texted him a thinking about you text on Sunday. Last week he asked me to email him all my thoughts and feelings. I sent him an email really giving him my thoughts including what I didn’t care for About him and my thoughts on the cooking cleaning weight gain situation. I told him I would learn to cook and do it for now but if we planned to stay together I would likely outsource it in the future. Same with cleaning. I told him I would continue to workout and lose weight but I might get liposuction. I told him I loved him and really wanted to make us work. I told him I tried not being with him and always ended up with him so my plan was just ride whatever out because I no longer wanted to go back and forth.

I sent it on Monday. He didn’t respond. I called him on Tuesday he didn’t answer. I modeled behavior he has shown in the past by texting are you free after I called. He didn’t respond. I called him yesterday and asked him to check his email. He didn’t respond. I sent up a quick update about something personal no response.

I know the other girl was in town but I think she left Tuesday or Wednesday. When I was with him he made time to talk to others but clearly decided not to take that approach with me. At first I thought maybe he was dead or in jail. Then I thought how self centered to think a person must be dead or in jail just because he wasn’t speaking to me.

I finally came to terms with the idea that he likely ghosted me. Also writing this has made me realized how fucked up my dating my life has been as well as my choices.

I’m sad but I did learn a bit this time around. Including I have a lot I need to work on.

Give me some advice. Am I overreacting? How do I stay strong in the face of the ghosting. How do I have healthy relationships.

I have a dream of getting married, having kids, and owning a home one day but idk the path to get there or how to date in a healthy way or work through the tough things in a relationship.

Tl;dr - met a guy when I was 19 and I’m now 33. I dated him on and off again. I treated him like shit. He treated me like shit. We tried to get back together recently and I think he ghosted me.

Submitted March 20, 2020 at 12:29AM

I don’t even know if I can call it a breakup. I’m trying to stay strong and not cry all over the place so here I am to vent.I’m 33 female who weighs closer to the 200 side. I met this guy when I was 19 in college closer to the 119 side. He was 22 when we met. He was the most beautiful guy I’d ever seen and somehow he took an interest in me. I couldn’t believe it bc my self esteem was at 0. I was a really nice girl back then so I went above and beyond for him bc I really liked him. At the same time I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why would this gorgeous man be into me when he could have any girl he wanted? He was the second person I had sex with and he taught me a lot. I sucked at it though and wanted him to like me desperately so I would try and try harder to please him. Later he told me he liked me back then bc I was trainable and ready to learn anything.He would go weeks without talking to me and I would skip class, binge eat and drink, watch sex and the city, and cry while I waited on him to call me. Later on he told me he had a bunch of stuff going on like losing his phone, becoming homeless, getting arrested etc. so that’s why he wouldn’t get in touch. When I was 21 I got sick of the cycle. At the end of the day this guy was not in a relationship with me and didn’t value me as a friend. I was just a random person in his life I think. So I transferred universities, moved cities, and changed my number for a fresh start. I still missed him and wanted to talk to him all the time. I had to control myself. I truly believed I was obsessed with him or maybe obsessed with the idea of being rejected. Either way it wasn’t healthy. Anyways he got my number from a friend and we resumed our pointless relationship. A 13 year cycle of getting together for a few months and then drifting a part started then.At one point I got pregnant and thought he would be angry with me. I told him and he seemed really excited. We went from talking everyday to him seeming irritated that I would call and maybe talking once every other week. The idea of raising a child with someone who I thought hated me scared me so I made the selfish decision to have an abortion. I told him and he was so angry and quit talking to me. I left America to travel the world for a bit. We started back talking like a year later. We broke up that time around bc he was facing homelessness and wanted to move in with me. I didn’t get the gravity of the situation so I told him no bc I lived with a roommate. I was struggling to even pay rent and didn’t feel Comfortable moving a guy into that situation. Oddly enough I ended up doing that exact same thing with another guy after his lease expired. Anyways my lover guy was upset I would allow him to be homeless and quit talking to me. I really felt the situation could resolve itself if he just apologized to his mom. It’s what I woulda done.Anyways I move on from that and start a new relationship with a guy that in retrospect I never really liked. I was 22 at the time and had just graduated. In my mind I needed to settle down and begin building a future. So me and this guy moved in together. My self esteem was on 0. I started binge eating and gained so much weight. I was in a relationship With a guy I wasn’t attracted to who couldn’t give me the future I wanted. He was nice to me but smoke and mirrors financially. He was also really gross. It turned me off. A few months into the relationship I started cheating on him with the guy (subject of this post). I realized I preferred to be with the other guy but didn’t know how to breakup with him. I decided to apply to get a masters at the university in the town the other guy lived in. Funny thing, I didn’t get into that university but got into one 2 hours away. The guy who was subject of this post didn’t believe I didn’t get in and assumed I just decided to go to the other university because he wouldn’t let me live with him. We were excited about the potential of our relationship bc we would live about 2 hours away from each other instead of 4. I lost Weight, moved to the new town, and my self esteem was way higher at this point. I started going out a lot in new town and working full time while in grad school. In between it all, I rarely made time to visit the guy who is the subject of this post. When I would visit him I felt sad bc he wasn’t doing anything with his life besides smoking weed and playing video games. Inspite of that I still wanted to be with him. At the same time I was coming to terms with the idea that I would be making 6 figures. I had been introduced to the good life and loved the idea of dating only other People who made 6 figures so we could have a beautiful life filled with luxury cars, cleaning ladies, vacations etc (what a naive fantasy). The guy who is the subject of this post stayed on my ass about saving money and working out and was just a drag. I met a guy who was finishing med school and decided to jump ship from the original subject of this post. The med school guy ended up being a 4 year waist of time But I digress.I eventually graduated from grad school and moved to another city for my first job. Med school and I break up I get back with original subject of this post. Cycle Then back and forth for a few years. Me and the original subject of this post last ended 2 years ago when he came to visit and I felt like he no longer fit into my life. I also felt like he had no regard for my life. He ate all the groceries I bought in one day. And food and alcohol and weed. I spent over $1,000 on food, Alcohol, and weed over the 2 weeks he was in Town. This really irritated me bc although I was making tons of money I didn’t have loads of it (student loans baby). He left town on a good note. We were in a great place. He told me I owed him $300 For the food and drink and weed he bought while he was in town. At a certain point I ran out of money and asked him to spend his own money to buy stuff and I would pay him back (as the gracious house). Although he very rarely worked, he was really good about saving money when he did. I Started thinking about It and thought it was crazy I had to give him money for stuff he spent on himself. I didn’t pay him back. He was irritated. Couple that with the fact that I got drunk and found contact info for his family members online and texted them had him pissed. We stop talking.Fast forward to December. I’m a better place Financially and I’ve been going to therapy so I can stop being codependent and finding My value in men. I started articulating who I wanted to be and realized the person I want to be woulda paid him the money because I said I would. I also came To realize this bc I lent someone $300 in May and he promised to pay it back. He didn’t. We were close friends. I realized he couldn’t value the friendship that much if he let it go for $300. As I reflected on this I decided to PayPal OSOTP (original subject of this post) $300. Along with a note saying I realized what a shitty thing I did. He messaged me back end of January saying he wished me well and would love to connect. We chatted. He asked me if I ever thought about us or regretted what happened. I said on a monthly basis at least. I went to visit him a few days later and stayed for a week. We had a great time. I travel for work so I had to travel for 2 weeks then I went back for 3 weeks. We talked about both really wanting to make it work and stay in each other’s life regardless of what happens. He told me he was dating other people and didn’t plan on stopping. He said he wanted to make that clear if I was coming back into his life.That was the beginning of the end. We realized we had never spent that much time together. I work from home. I wake up every morning and shower and then get back into bed to work. He goes off to school ( he went back to school bc he decided he wanted better for himself) he noticed I was very sedentary with the exception of the 1 hour I spent at the gym 3 times a week. He is obsessed with p90x and wanted me to commit to p90x. I hate p90x so I told him to leave me alone about it. He is a heavy drinker so I started day drinking too. He asked me to not do that bc it it’s not what I naturally did. He said I couldn’t handle alcohol and would end up just going to bed early and not doing anything (‘‘twas very true). He smoked blacks and I picked up the habit. He asked me not to smoke so I didn’t acquire a new bad habit. He is really in to building a better body so he is only eating veggies. I tried to do the same thing but it irritated me to not eat meat. I would grab a few patties at McDonald’s every other day to make up for it. He got irritated that I didn’t clean. He has adhd and tries to be organized but sucks at it. He always wanted his woman to help him with that. I felt like I was a guest in his home and I didn’t want to mess with his stuff so I didn’t really clean. He also wanted me to cook but thinks I can’t. We also aren’t having sex bc we tried to intiatlly but he thought my vagina was stretched out from my most recent partner. We decided to cool it for a while while I resettled. I did let him try anal though. He didn’t like the way I gave blow jobs anymore bc he said it was tailored for someone else. I tried a bit. Truth be told I was down for making the changes he wanted which amounted to losing weight, being more active, cooking, and cleaning but a part of me was irritated he was still seeing other people. I didn’t feel the need to offer the full package of services if he hadn’t purchased it. A couple of times a week he would let me know he needed to spend some time talking to the other 2 ladies he was dating. I took it all in stride feeling like I deserved it bc I didn’t commit to him earlier.I left his house last week to come home. One of his other girls was supposed to be visiting him for a few days starting last Friday. He called me last Thursday asking me where my head was at. He said that things He didn’t like about me was just 20% And he saw my 80% and appreciated it more. He said I was in first place and he felt like I was giving 60% when I could give 90% to myself and the relationship. We chatted Friday. Texted Saturday. And I haven’t heard from himself. I texted him a thinking about you text on Sunday. Last week he asked me to email him all my thoughts and feelings. I sent him an email really giving him my thoughts including what I didn’t care for About him and my thoughts on the cooking cleaning weight gain situation. I told him I would learn to cook and do it for now but if we planned to stay together I would likely outsource it in the future. Same with cleaning. I told him I would continue to workout and lose weight but I might get liposuction. I told him I loved him and really wanted to make us work. I told him I tried not being with him and always ended up with him so my plan was just ride whatever out because I no longer wanted to go back and forth.I sent it on Monday. He didn’t respond. I called him on Tuesday he didn’t answer. I modeled behavior he has shown in the past by texting are you free after I called. He didn’t respond. I called him yesterday and asked him to check his email. He didn’t respond. I sent up a quick update about something personal no response.I know the other girl was in town but I think she left Tuesday or Wednesday. When I was with him he made time to talk to others but clearly decided not to take that approach with me. At first I thought maybe he was dead or in jail. Then I thought how self centered to think a person must be dead or in jail just because he wasn’t speaking to me.I finally came to terms with the idea that he likely ghosted me. Also writing this has made me realized how fucked up my dating my life has been as well as my choices.I’m sad but I did learn a bit this time around. Including I have a lot I need to work on.Give me some advice. Am I overreacting? How do I stay strong in the face of the ghosting. How do I have healthy relationships.I have a dream of getting married, having kids, and owning a home one day but idk the path to get there or how to date in a healthy way or work through the tough things in a relationship.Tl;dr - met a guy when I was 19 and I’m now 33. I dated him on and off again. I treated him like shit. He treated me like shit. We tried to get back together recently and I think he ghosted me.