Desire, expression, guilt, gentleness, and a story

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, maybe I just want to tell someone.

In early highschool I was in a super religious/conservative home. I believed what I was taught about sex, that it was bad an sinful, that masturbating was bad, porn was bad ect. But like a horny highschooler I still eventually watched porn. I liked it (surprise). Though I kept my self righteousness and thought I was better than all those people out there having sex.

I went to college, same story. Then I had some stuff happen in my life and I had to work from home for several years due to illness. I didn't get out much. I was still a virgin in my early 20's and I couldn't go out to meet women. I started making friends online. I started opening up what I thought was ok. Eventually I decided I wanted to explore, I wanted to be able to openly talk with people about sex, desires, ect. without all the guilt and shame. Where I would be encouraged, rather than guilted, for enjoying things like masturbating or porn or whatever. I started seeking out people (mostly women) to talk with online about that stuff. To help de stigmatize it (at least in my own head).

I met several people along the way but 3 specifically stand out and I'll never forget.

1)"M" , M was the first. I told her about my upbringing and she had a very similar one. We talked and I was shy. I had made a post on some website (Hell if I remember what) about my sexual hangups, guilt, ect. She could relate though had less guilt now. I shyly told her about my lack of experience, and we started talking about porn. I shared a few clips (after asking if it was ok) with her of porn I Liked and we shared stuff back and forth. I was very flustered at this point. I don't remember how exactly but she ended up on camera. She was beautiful and she wanted to help me get more comfortable. She told me it was ok, I could say anything (I was very nervous to say anything at all out of fear of saying the wrong thing, I didn't want to be some dirty perv!). I told her the truth that I thought she looked amazing. we talked and she could tell I was very horny and told me it was ok for me to touch myself. So while we talked and shared videos I would be looking at her while also touching myself. She had told me I could say anything and I ask if she would let me see her in her bra, she did. I ask her to bend over, she did, I ask her to take off her bra, she didn't. Thats one of the things I liked about her though, she didn't get mad. She didn't get mad at me for wanting "More", she simply said "nah I don't think so tonight though maybe another time", and that was fine I was good with it. Thats why I loved this interaction, she allowed me to talk to her and ask questions and it was OK for me to ask for things so long as I was ok and mature about it if her answer was no. She still was talking to me, she wanted me to cum, and was ok with me looking at her while I did. I couldn't believe a woman would WANT me to want her sexually. It didn't make sense with everything I grew up being told! But here it was, it was true. I talked a few more times with "M" but she started seeing someone so of course we stopped sexually interacting. We kept in touch but of course over time we eventually lost contact.

2) "k" I met her on a facebook group of all places ( I had a throwaway facebook to talk in the sex related groups with). She messaged me and we started talking. She was very sexual as a person and was totally ok talking with me about stuff. Similar to what "M" had been but not exactly the same. "K" was a little older than me (4 years) at 29 years old. She was married (but in an open relationship) and had several kids. We talked about stuff, eventually shared porn we liked, and chatted. we would voice chat occasionally. I was still very shy and she was so good about it. She would ask me questions, coax me out of my shell where I was afraid to say anything about sexual stuff. She as kind, warm, almost motherly ( but not in a weird way lol). She was warm and casual about it while at the same time understanding that i was having emotions and it was ok to express them. We were chatting and she was on camera and she took her shirt off for me, it blew me away. she wanted me to look at her, and talked to me as I masturbated and told me it was ok and she wanted me to think of her sexually. I showed her myself at one point (and I was scared shitless to but it felt so amazing). It was amazing to know that she wanted to see me as well. We only had that type of exchange once. She was very VERY busy with her kids and stuff. We actually are still in contact, we catchup up everynow and then though its been over a year since anything sexual (which is fine).

3) "l", L was a freind of "K". K thought she would be great for me to know. We got talking and she was amazing. IT was a completely new perspective. L was, in her own words, a "Slut". She loved sex, she loved talking about it. She loved being a sexual outlet for her friends. She was an amazingly kind person. we would talk about stuff, she wanted me to talk and share porn with her, she wanted me to come to her when I was horny or curious. She would get on camera for me, she went at my pace, however fast or slow it was at the moment (cause It sure varrried). we eventually lost contact. She went through some tramatic stuff, a guy she fell for had lied to her and turns out she was the "other woman" and he wasn't leaving his wife. It complexity shot her, she had no desire for sexual stuff at all. We still chatted some for a while though eventually lost contact.

---

However my experiences haven't all been good. Most have been horrible. Ive been shamed by so many people online because I'm not kinky. Ive actually been made fun of more than not. Ive had people who when they would read stuff I wrote about struggles and wanting someone to talk to who would think I'm some perv who just wanted to get something sexual from a woman. Ive been yelled at, ridiculed, and all sorts of shit.

I have tried seeking out people to talk with like these examples and I don't think I'll ever find that again. It was so good with these people because they treated me like a person not someone to use, and I didn't treat them like someone to be used. we talked about stuff other than sex often ,though we never pretended it wasn't the sexual context that lead us to originally talk. We could respect each others boundaries, which apparently is rare online. We could be honest, there was never any roleplay ,we just talked and conversations about stuff. They were encouraging and kind.

I learned so much about myself from these interactions. I learned that I love talking with a woman while I masturbate (Only with her permission, only if she knows,), I know that I'm not ugly but actually kinda attractive, I learned that I wasn't weird for enjoying porn. I use to be scared of women now I have friends in real life who are women and I'm comfortable with, and I know just because I'm attracted to someone doesn't mean i have to pursue them.

I wish I could find more interactions like this. I'm still growing and learning. There was a degree of innocence to my interactions with these woman. Not vanity but everything was on the table, the sexual aspect wasn't a weapon to be used against me, we could be honest and vulnerable and I loved that. I have a fantasy of finding an online community full of people (men and women) like these women, where I can learn and explore more. I'm still shy, and scared, I still have moments of guilt , but I'm getting better. I feel better.

I just wanted to share that with everyone.

Submitted March 08, 2020 at 11:39PM

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, maybe I just want to tell someone.In early highschool I was in a super religious/conservative home. I believed what I was taught about sex, that it was bad an sinful, that masturbating was bad, porn was bad ect. But like a horny highschooler I still eventually watched porn. I liked it (surprise). Though I kept my self righteousness and thought I was better than all those people out there having sex.I went to college, same story. Then I had some stuff happen in my life and I had to work from home for several years due to illness. I didn't get out much. I was still a virgin in my early 20's and I couldn't go out to meet women. I started making friends online. I started opening up what I thought was ok. Eventually I decided I wanted to explore, I wanted to be able to openly talk with people about sex, desires, ect. without all the guilt and shame. Where I would be encouraged, rather than guilted, for enjoying things like masturbating or porn or whatever. I started seeking out people (mostly women) to talk with online about that stuff. To help de stigmatize it (at least in my own head).I met several people along the way but 3 specifically stand out and I'll never forget.1)"M" , M was the first. I told her about my upbringing and she had a very similar one. We talked and I was shy. I had made a post on some website (Hell if I remember what) about my sexual hangups, guilt, ect. She could relate though had less guilt now. I shyly told her about my lack of experience, and we started talking about porn. I shared a few clips (after asking if it was ok) with her of porn I Liked and we shared stuff back and forth. I was very flustered at this point. I don't remember how exactly but she ended up on camera. She was beautiful and she wanted to help me get more comfortable. She told me it was ok, I could say anything (I was very nervous to say anything at all out of fear of saying the wrong thing, I didn't want to be some dirty perv!). I told her the truth that I thought she looked amazing. we talked and she could tell I was very horny and told me it was ok for me to touch myself. So while we talked and shared videos I would be looking at her while also touching myself. She had told me I could say anything and I ask if she would let me see her in her bra, she did. I ask her to bend over, she did, I ask her to take off her bra, she didn't. Thats one of the things I liked about her though, she didn't get mad. She didn't get mad at me for wanting "More", she simply said "nah I don't think so tonight though maybe another time", and that was fine I was good with it. Thats why I loved this interaction, she allowed me to talk to her and ask questions and it was OK for me to ask for things so long as I was ok and mature about it if her answer was no. She still was talking to me, she wanted me to cum, and was ok with me looking at her while I did. I couldn't believe a woman would WANT me to want her sexually. It didn't make sense with everything I grew up being told! But here it was, it was true. I talked a few more times with "M" but she started seeing someone so of course we stopped sexually interacting. We kept in touch but of course over time we eventually lost contact.2) "k" I met her on a facebook group of all places ( I had a throwaway facebook to talk in the sex related groups with). She messaged me and we started talking. She was very sexual as a person and was totally ok talking with me about stuff. Similar to what "M" had been but not exactly the same. "K" was a little older than me (4 years) at 29 years old. She was married (but in an open relationship) and had several kids. We talked about stuff, eventually shared porn we liked, and chatted. we would voice chat occasionally. I was still very shy and she was so good about it. She would ask me questions, coax me out of my shell where I was afraid to say anything about sexual stuff. She as kind, warm, almost motherly ( but not in a weird way lol). She was warm and casual about it while at the same time understanding that i was having emotions and it was ok to express them. We were chatting and she was on camera and she took her shirt off for me, it blew me away. she wanted me to look at her, and talked to me as I masturbated and told me it was ok and she wanted me to think of her sexually. I showed her myself at one point (and I was scared shitless to but it felt so amazing). It was amazing to know that she wanted to see me as well. We only had that type of exchange once. She was very VERY busy with her kids and stuff. We actually are still in contact, we catchup up everynow and then though its been over a year since anything sexual (which is fine).3) "l", L was a freind of "K". K thought she would be great for me to know. We got talking and she was amazing. IT was a completely new perspective. L was, in her own words, a "Slut". She loved sex, she loved talking about it. She loved being a sexual outlet for her friends. She was an amazingly kind person. we would talk about stuff, she wanted me to talk and share porn with her, she wanted me to come to her when I was horny or curious. She would get on camera for me, she went at my pace, however fast or slow it was at the moment (cause It sure varrried). we eventually lost contact. She went through some tramatic stuff, a guy she fell for had lied to her and turns out she was the "other woman" and he wasn't leaving his wife. It complexity shot her, she had no desire for sexual stuff at all. We still chatted some for a while though eventually lost contact.However my experiences haven't all been good. Most have been horrible. Ive been shamed by so many people online because I'm not kinky. Ive actually been made fun of more than not. Ive had people who when they would read stuff I wrote about struggles and wanting someone to talk to who would think I'm some perv who just wanted to get something sexual from a woman. Ive been yelled at, ridiculed, and all sorts of shit.I have tried seeking out people to talk with like these examples and I don't think I'll ever find that again. It was so good with these people because they treated me like a person not someone to use, and I didn't treat them like someone to be used. we talked about stuff other than sex often ,though we never pretended it wasn't the sexual context that lead us to originally talk. We could respect each others boundaries, which apparently is rare online. We could be honest, there was never any roleplay ,we just talked and conversations about stuff. They were encouraging and kind.I learned so much about myself from these interactions. I learned that I love talking with a woman while I masturbate (Only with her permission, only if she knows,), I know that I'm not ugly but actually kinda attractive, I learned that I wasn't weird for enjoying porn. I use to be scared of women now I have friends in real life who are women and I'm comfortable with, and I know just because I'm attracted to someone doesn't mean i have to pursue them.I wish I could find more interactions like this. I'm still growing and learning. There was a degree of innocence to my interactions with these woman. Not vanity but everything was on the table, the sexual aspect wasn't a weapon to be used against me, we could be honest and vulnerable and I loved that. I have a fantasy of finding an online community full of people (men and women) like these women, where I can learn and explore more. I'm still shy, and scared, I still have moments of guilt , but I'm getting better. I feel better.I just wanted to share that with everyone.