My [25m] fiance [24f] and I just broke up because of my family, but I just don't know who's in the wrong

My [25m] fiance [24f] and I just broke up a few days ago after nearly 3 years because of my family, and I'm having difficulties figuring out who's in the wrong here.

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So I grew up in a large family between my dad+3 kids (including me) and my step mom+2 kids+extended family. Growing up, I got into the habit of being a wallflower, my parents drank a lot during the weekends, I got yelled at a few times really badly, and I was never really an equal to my step siblings in my step mom's eyes (my blood siblings are ~10y older than me and step siblings are around my age). Because of that being predisposed to it, I've had depression since I was 14 and didn't feel like I could tell my family until two years ago when I started getting treatment. Otherwise, I felt it was a rather normal childhood, but with a large household.

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Eventually, I met my ex-fiance, and she met my family. However, it did not go well, and she was offended by my grandmother asking some judgmental questions. Instead of apologizing, or trying to fix it, when I brought it up to my family, they said that my grandmother didn't mean to be that way and my fiance needs to just get over it. In that time, my fiance and I had quite a few arguments about how my family doesn't care about her and whatnot, and eventually my depression got really bad because of the constant anger/resentment. I tried talking to my parents on their own, and for the longest time, they were stubborn about my fiance and I visiting the family instead of just them, thought she was being ridiculous, etc. Eventually, after I admitted how deep my depression was and how it was affecting my mental well-being, they decided to try to change their behavior towards both my fiance and I. That's when, because of all the resentment and anger, my fiance started to become more demanding of their behaviors and how I treated them. And with that, her obsession over my family became more and more intense, that it was affecting her mental well being drastically as well. I felt like I was forced to tell my parents harsh truths in a manner which just established a relationship where they tried to respect me, but they were also afraid of messing up and pissing off my fiance or I (they have said that a few times). The changes were slow and small, so my fiance got more and more fed up due to the lack of large movement. She ended up getting much more easily upset at little things like "they didn't say the right thing", "they should have...", etc. It was up to me to confront them and tell them what they were doing wrong and why the family was so awful. By the end, she was saying stuff like "your family makes me $uicidal", "they are the reason you're $uicidal" (which isn't completely true), "Your family is the only thing that is causing a wedge in our relationship", "Your family is emotionally abusive", "They are the ones to blame for you being $uicidal and they aren't doing anything about it", "I'm number 2 in your eyes compared to your family", etc. As well, she has said how her parents have been much more financially supporting for their future SIL, while my family has not supported either of us financially or emotionally. At that point, I have chewed out my parents multiple times and have made them cry multiple times, chewed out my siblings, refused to go to any family get together in over a year, and have stopped talking to everyone but my dad/step mom. Eventually, she gave me the ultimatum of either cutting off the family, or ending our relationship (this isn't the first time she has pulled this ultimatum). This time, I chose myself so I could believe in whatever choice I make and we decided to split up, but remain friends. However, her pure hatred for my family and my unwillingness to answer the ultimatum have caused her to spiral into a deep depression/anger.

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On top of all this, all her of support group, which is large, says that my family is abusive and toxic and I need to just cut them off, so that hasn't helped be feel anymore confident on where I stand.

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Overall, who's in the wrong here - my family, my ex-fiance, or me? Let me know if you need more detail - this was a VERY high level overview.

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TL;DR

My fiance and I broke up because of my family. My family didn't really show support or interest in her, and when there was conflict between us and the family, they said to get over it for the longest time, but eventually my parents gave into trying to change to better the relationship. There has been a little progress in a couple months, but not enough to show drastic change. She says they are abusive, they're the reason we are $uicidal, they don't care about either of our mental well-beings, and she offered the ultimatum between her or my family. Instead, I chose myself and explained that I need to believe in my choice before deciding. We split up and decided to remain friends, but my family and my unwillingness to choose between her or her family have continued to eat at her. Am I in the wrong in being indecisive, is my family wrong in how they behaved/didn't change, is my fiance wrong, or is it a combo?

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Note: the $ is used just so it's not auto-locked for the wrong reasons

Submitted January 28, 2020 at 12:24AM

My [25m] fiance [24f] and I just broke up a few days ago after nearly 3 years because of my family, and I'm having difficulties figuring out who's in the wrong here.​So I grew up in a large family between my dad+3 kids (including me) and my step mom+2 kids+extended family. Growing up, I got into the habit of being a wallflower, my parents drank a lot during the weekends, I got yelled at a few times really badly, and I was never really an equal to my step siblings in my step mom's eyes (my blood siblings are ~10y older than me and step siblings are around my age). Because of that being predisposed to it, I've had depression since I was 14 and didn't feel like I could tell my family until two years ago when I started getting treatment. Otherwise, I felt it was a rather normal childhood, but with a large household.​Eventually, I met my ex-fiance, and she met my family. However, it did not go well, and she was offended by my grandmother asking some judgmental questions. Instead of apologizing, or trying to fix it, when I brought it up to my family, they said that my grandmother didn't mean to be that way and my fiance needs to just get over it. In that time, my fiance and I had quite a few arguments about how my family doesn't care about her and whatnot, and eventually my depression got really bad because of the constant anger/resentment. I tried talking to my parents on their own, and for the longest time, they were stubborn about my fiance and I visiting the family instead of just them, thought she was being ridiculous, etc. Eventually, after I admitted how deep my depression was and how it was affecting my mental well-being, they decided to try to change their behavior towards both my fiance and I. That's when, because of all the resentment and anger, my fiance started to become more demanding of their behaviors and how I treated them. And with that, her obsession over my family became more and more intense, that it was affecting her mental well being drastically as well. I felt like I was forced to tell my parents harsh truths in a manner which just established a relationship where they tried to respect me, but they were also afraid of messing up and pissing off my fiance or I (they have said that a few times). The changes were slow and small, so my fiance got more and more fed up due to the lack of large movement. She ended up getting much more easily upset at little things like "they didn't say the right thing", "they should have...", etc. It was up to me to confront them and tell them what they were doing wrong and why the family was so awful. By the end, she was saying stuff like "your family makes me $uicidal", "they are the reason you're $uicidal" (which isn't completely true), "Your family is the only thing that is causing a wedge in our relationship", "Your family is emotionally abusive", "They are the ones to blame for you being $uicidal and they aren't doing anything about it", "I'm number 2 in your eyes compared to your family", etc. As well, she has said how her parents have been much more financially supporting for their future SIL, while my family has not supported either of us financially or emotionally. At that point, I have chewed out my parents multiple times and have made them cry multiple times, chewed out my siblings, refused to go to any family get together in over a year, and have stopped talking to everyone but my dad/step mom. Eventually, she gave me the ultimatum of either cutting off the family, or ending our relationship (this isn't the first time she has pulled this ultimatum). This time, I chose myself so I could believe in whatever choice I make and we decided to split up, but remain friends. However, her pure hatred for my family and my unwillingness to answer the ultimatum have caused her to spiral into a deep depression/anger.​On top of all this, all her of support group, which is large, says that my family is abusive and toxic and I need to just cut them off, so that hasn't helped be feel anymore confident on where I stand.​Overall, who's in the wrong here - my family, my ex-fiance, or me? Let me know if you need more detail - this was a VERY high level overview.​TL;DRMy fiance and I broke up because of my family. My family didn't really show support or interest in her, and when there was conflict between us and the family, they said to get over it for the longest time, but eventually my parents gave into trying to change to better the relationship. There has been a little progress in a couple months, but not enough to show drastic change. She says they are abusive, they're the reason we are $uicidal, they don't care about either of our mental well-beings, and she offered the ultimatum between her or my family. Instead, I chose myself and explained that I need to believe in my choice before deciding. We split up and decided to remain friends, but my family and my unwillingness to choose between her or her family have continued to eat at her. Am I in the wrong in being indecisive, is my family wrong in how they behaved/didn't change, is my fiance wrong, or is it a combo?​Note: the $ is used just so it's not auto-locked for the wrong reasons