Me [35F] with my partner [40M] feeling anxiety in a situation that doesn't add up.

I've been with my boyfriend for around 7 months and we've been best friends for just over 2 years. He is a driven, hardworking, kind, generous man, great company, and encourages me to be my best. Some background on our relationship, we met via OLD and after our first date, met up again and he told me that he wasn't ready to date and just wanted to be friends (I took this to mean 'didn't feel the spark'). That was fine with me - I liked his company and we were both at a point of wanting to do lots of social things and enjoy life, after both coming out of a short period of difficulty in our lives. We quickly became very close and spoke every day, meeting up many times a week, doing different activities. 

This progressed into what you could call a FWB on/off situation for around 1.5 years, we both dated others at several points throughout this period. Parts of this time were very confusing and hurtful to me, as I'd developed feelings. I learnt about attachment theory around this time and would call his behaviour with me, and hearing about his past, avoidant to a T. Without elaborating on the ups and downs of this period (happy to, just don't want to make this post too TL;DR), 7 months ago he confessed feelings to me and a desire to be in a relationship, as we had continued to become very close but I had started dating someone that I liked. I surprised/happy/confused and was unsure for several reasons - mainly me understanding his lack of showing affection/intimacy and my need for it in a relationship. I'd seen bursts (breadcrumbs?) of being able to show this and wanted to give things a chance.

Our relationship since has been quite similar to what it was before, and I've been patient in the fact that it's moving slowly and as I had suspected, not receiving the level of warmth and affection that I need. Over the last couple of weeks, I've become increasingly anxious, and feeling unloved for a long time - my patience for things progressing is wearing off and it's causing my feelings to waver. I've spoken to him about this recently, and he said he had no idea I felt this way and needed to process what I'd told him. I became anxious as he didn't speak to me about this for over a week. When I asked for a conversation, he said he didn't know what to say. 

We eventually spoke over text and in person about this, and he said that he thinks he has a problem and might need to see a psychologist as he can see that he's hurting me and he doesn't know why. He said it doesn't feel good to him to see that this situation is torturing me and that I'm his most precious person. I said I need to hear that he loves me. He keeps talking about a 'gap' in 'levels' of feelings which is confusing and hurtful to me, after everything we have been through together. He said that it's hard for him to define love but that he does have strong feelings and that, yes, he is in love. I was at the point of ending things, but he wants to look at how he is behaving, and try to improve. He agrees with what I told him about having an avoidant attachment style.

These conversations were 1-2 weeks ago, and he has been a bit more attentive and warm. I can say with certainty that I'm not a clinger, anxious, nagging type - I'm more the accepting 'cool girl', which is something I'm trying to work on finding a balance (setting boundaries and having high standards). He is warmer anytime I withdraw slightly from the norm (self-protection). However, at this point right now, we are still only spending around ≤2 nights a week with each other (spending lots of time together most weekends, sometimes during the week, often sleep separately. He also works extremely long hours). I'm very independent, have a busy social life and also appreciate time by myself, so usually this doesn't bother me. He is also clearly worried about me and the way I've been feeling lately, and more affectionate and doting because of this. I'm anxious, withdrawn to the point of disassociation, teary at times, and feeling very low in self-esteem, although I actually know in my core that I'm a confident and self-assured person. Amid the affection, he often makes teasing jokes towards me, which are the 'joking insult' kind, rather than 'building someone up' kind. He knows I get hurt by this, as I've explained that although I know they are delivered as jokes because I'm not hearing many nice words to make me feel secure and loved, they feel cutting.

Fast forward to yesterday, and we had a public holiday where I live, we went to a watering hole for a swim. As soon as we started driving there, I noticed he had a bar stamp on his arm, to which I assumed must have been from the previous night (Sunday), as we had been hanging out for a couple of days, and we hadn't been to any gigs. I also hadn't noticed the stamp in days previous. He often goes to bars and gigs as an impromptu thing, so it wasn't unusual. I asked him how his night was, and he said that after we were hanging out yesterday, he just did some work and paperwork at home. A bit later in the drive, I asked him about the stamp. He answered in a faltering way, saying, 'I think it was...", several times and eventually worked out that it was from last Sunday, i.e. 8 days ago. I said it didn't make sense and I don't understand why the way he is speaking sounds like he is not telling the truth. He said he is happy for me to look up the gig if I didn't believe him (the band he was talking about is playing every Sunday this month). It was gone after we had a swim. I brought it up again twice, as the situation kept nagging at me. 

He agreed that it did look dodgy but really didn't know what else to add. It really seemed to me to not add up, but we both agreed he had no reason not to tell the truth. He didn't get angry or defensive at my questioning, neither of us got upset and we discussed calmly, but he did tell me later over text that the interrogation made him anxious and feel bad. I told him that I did trust him, but that doesn't mean I can ignore my gut feelings when something doesn't add up. He told me that it's fine, we should feel that we could bring things up when we have concerns. I told him that this triggered some past emotions of being lied to in the past by him (I'd prefer not to dredge up past situations before our committed relationship that we have worked through and grown from, so I left it at that - he's quite open and honest with me, sometimes blunt, which is a quality in people I appreciate). My anxieties before weren't trust-related, but now they look like they might me. I'm anxious and confused - help!

TL;DR My partner had a bar re-entry stamp on his arm yesterday, which he insists is from 8 days ago, and doesn't know how it lasted so long. I didn't notice it over several days previous to this and noticed it as soon as we met yesterday. It was gone after we had a swim.

Submitted January 28, 2020 at 12:20AM

I've been with my boyfriend for around 7 months and we've been best friends for just over 2 years. He is a driven, hardworking, kind, generous man, great company, and encourages me to be my best. Some background on our relationship, we met via OLD and after our first date, met up again and he told me that he wasn't ready to date and just wanted to be friends (I took this to mean 'didn't feel the spark'). That was fine with me - I liked his company and we were both at a point of wanting to do lots of social things and enjoy life, after both coming out of a short period of difficulty in our lives. We quickly became very close and spoke every day, meeting up many times a week, doing different activities. This progressed into what you could call a FWB on/off situation for around 1.5 years, we both dated others at several points throughout this period. Parts of this time were very confusing and hurtful to me, as I'd developed feelings. I learnt about attachment theory around this time and would call his behaviour with me, and hearing about his past, avoidant to a T. Without elaborating on the ups and downs of this period (happy to, just don't want to make this post too TL;DR), 7 months ago he confessed feelings to me and a desire to be in a relationship, as we had continued to become very close but I had started dating someone that I liked. I surprised/happy/confused and was unsure for several reasons - mainly me understanding his lack of showing affection/intimacy and my need for it in a relationship. I'd seen bursts (breadcrumbs?) of being able to show this and wanted to give things a chance.Our relationship since has been quite similar to what it was before, and I've been patient in the fact that it's moving slowly and as I had suspected, not receiving the level of warmth and affection that I need. Over the last couple of weeks, I've become increasingly anxious, and feeling unloved for a long time - my patience for things progressing is wearing off and it's causing my feelings to waver. I've spoken to him about this recently, and he said he had no idea I felt this way and needed to process what I'd told him. I became anxious as he didn't speak to me about this for over a week. When I asked for a conversation, he said he didn't know what to say. We eventually spoke over text and in person about this, and he said that he thinks he has a problem and might need to see a psychologist as he can see that he's hurting me and he doesn't know why. He said it doesn't feel good to him to see that this situation is torturing me and that I'm his most precious person. I said I need to hear that he loves me. He keeps talking about a 'gap' in 'levels' of feelings which is confusing and hurtful to me, after everything we have been through together. He said that it's hard for him to define love but that he does have strong feelings and that, yes, he is in love. I was at the point of ending things, but he wants to look at how he is behaving, and try to improve. He agrees with what I told him about having an avoidant attachment style.These conversations were 1-2 weeks ago, and he has been a bit more attentive and warm. I can say with certainty that I'm not a clinger, anxious, nagging type - I'm more the accepting 'cool girl', which is something I'm trying to work on finding a balance (setting boundaries and having high standards). He is warmer anytime I withdraw slightly from the norm (self-protection). However, at this point right now, we are still only spending around ≤2 nights a week with each other (spending lots of time together most weekends, sometimes during the week, often sleep separately. He also works extremely long hours). I'm very independent, have a busy social life and also appreciate time by myself, so usually this doesn't bother me. He is also clearly worried about me and the way I've been feeling lately, and more affectionate and doting because of this. I'm anxious, withdrawn to the point of disassociation, teary at times, and feeling very low in self-esteem, although I actually know in my core that I'm a confident and self-assured person. Amid the affection, he often makes teasing jokes towards me, which are the 'joking insult' kind, rather than 'building someone up' kind. He knows I get hurt by this, as I've explained that although I know they are delivered as jokes because I'm not hearing many nice words to make me feel secure and loved, they feel cutting.Fast forward to yesterday, and we had a public holiday where I live, we went to a watering hole for a swim. As soon as we started driving there, I noticed he had a bar stamp on his arm, to which I assumed must have been from the previous night (Sunday), as we had been hanging out for a couple of days, and we hadn't been to any gigs. I also hadn't noticed the stamp in days previous. He often goes to bars and gigs as an impromptu thing, so it wasn't unusual. I asked him how his night was, and he said that after we were hanging out yesterday, he just did some work and paperwork at home. A bit later in the drive, I asked him about the stamp. He answered in a faltering way, saying, 'I think it was...", several times and eventually worked out that it was from last Sunday, i.e. 8 days ago. I said it didn't make sense and I don't understand why the way he is speaking sounds like he is not telling the truth. He said he is happy for me to look up the gig if I didn't believe him (the band he was talking about is playing every Sunday this month). It was gone after we had a swim. I brought it up again twice, as the situation kept nagging at me. He agreed that it did look dodgy but really didn't know what else to add. It really seemed to me to not add up, but we both agreed he had no reason not to tell the truth. He didn't get angry or defensive at my questioning, neither of us got upset and we discussed calmly, but he did tell me later over text that the interrogation made him anxious and feel bad. I told him that I did trust him, but that doesn't mean I can ignore my gut feelings when something doesn't add up. He told me that it's fine, we should feel that we could bring things up when we have concerns. I told him that this triggered some past emotions of being lied to in the past by him (I'd prefer not to dredge up past situations before our committed relationship that we have worked through and grown from, so I left it at that - he's quite open and honest with me, sometimes blunt, which is a quality in people I appreciate). My anxieties before weren't trust-related, but now they look like they might me. I'm anxious and confused - help!TL;DR My partner had a bar re-entry stamp on his arm yesterday, which he insists is from 8 days ago, and doesn't know how it lasted so long. I didn't notice it over several days previous to this and noticed it as soon as we met yesterday. It was gone after we had a swim.