I'm (30f) trying to stay friends with an ex (31m), but we still have the same problems we did when we were dating

My ex and I were together for about a year when we concluded that it was better for us to be friends.

One of the reasons were our attitudes towards work and our current jobs. He's a civil servant who can go home at 5pm. I work in events so my hours are all over the place (incl weekends).

Our recurring argument was me getting called in last-minute for upcoming events (for which I'm the lead), having to cancel, him saying I don't value him as a person/his time/efforts, etc, me explaining that there is nobody to fill in my shoes etc.

Another point of contention was we were in a LDR and he refused to come see me (because he "didn't like" my apartment). I actually counted and he came to see me a total of 4 times. I went to his about 50 times. He accepted that he should have done better after we broke up.

On the other hand, we are very aligned politically, intellectually, and socially and this is what made us attracted to each other. However, different lifestyles and personal philosophies that can only be described as "irreconcilable differences" plagued our relationship, and after several breakups we permanently broke it off.

Last few times we talked, we were both glad that we broke up and are much happier. I've found a new partner who shares my lifestyles and values. My company is doing great. He got promoted and seems happy.

However, we've tried to meet up a few times as friends, and this is where it went wrong. I still have the same job, I'm also making some big decisions in my life (buying a house), and I've had to cancel last minute the past 3 times we planned the meetups.

I offered to visit him in his city once, then I was too tired from a 70-hour work week. He offered to visit me in my city, and I got called into work. Another time, I had an open house that was only on a specific day.

I also suggested we meet on weekends, but he doesn't want to. So we tried to plan meetups around times when he's passing through my city during the week.

I explained the situation to him each time, I call him as soon as my plans change and apologize, but he just gets upset like he did when we used to be together, saying that I don't value him as a person.

After the third time (last week) of me calling and cancelling, he said he wanted to hang up and hasn't written to me since.

I feel I've done the best I can. I explained why I had to cancel. I explained as soon as I could. I offered to make amends (I'll buy dinner/I'll come to your city sometime). I really don't like that we're in the same pattern as when we were a couple, because I was hoping there would be fewer flared emotions.

I still think we could be good friends, and that it would be worth meeting up and seeing how we're both doing.

I'm not sure how I should approach this. We both made initiative for the post-breakup Meetup plans (I suggested the restaurant for the last cancelled Meetup). He usually reached out first if we fought as a couple. So I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to take initiative this time.

TL;DR. Broke up because of fights over meeting in person in LDR. Tried to meet up as friends post-breakup, same problems flaring up again. Not sure if this is the end of the road.

Submitted January 28, 2020 at 12:10AM

My ex and I were together for about a year when we concluded that it was better for us to be friends.One of the reasons were our attitudes towards work and our current jobs. He's a civil servant who can go home at 5pm. I work in events so my hours are all over the place (incl weekends).Our recurring argument was me getting called in last-minute for upcoming events (for which I'm the lead), having to cancel, him saying I don't value him as a person/his time/efforts, etc, me explaining that there is nobody to fill in my shoes etc.Another point of contention was we were in a LDR and he refused to come see me (because he "didn't like" my apartment). I actually counted and he came to see me a total of 4 times. I went to his about 50 times. He accepted that he should have done better after we broke up.On the other hand, we are very aligned politically, intellectually, and socially and this is what made us attracted to each other. However, different lifestyles and personal philosophies that can only be described as "irreconcilable differences" plagued our relationship, and after several breakups we permanently broke it off.Last few times we talked, we were both glad that we broke up and are much happier. I've found a new partner who shares my lifestyles and values. My company is doing great. He got promoted and seems happy.However, we've tried to meet up a few times as friends, and this is where it went wrong. I still have the same job, I'm also making some big decisions in my life (buying a house), and I've had to cancel last minute the past 3 times we planned the meetups.I offered to visit him in his city once, then I was too tired from a 70-hour work week. He offered to visit me in my city, and I got called into work. Another time, I had an open house that was only on a specific day.I also suggested we meet on weekends, but he doesn't want to. So we tried to plan meetups around times when he's passing through my city during the week.I explained the situation to him each time, I call him as soon as my plans change and apologize, but he just gets upset like he did when we used to be together, saying that I don't value him as a person.After the third time (last week) of me calling and cancelling, he said he wanted to hang up and hasn't written to me since.I feel I've done the best I can. I explained why I had to cancel. I explained as soon as I could. I offered to make amends (I'll buy dinner/I'll come to your city sometime). I really don't like that we're in the same pattern as when we were a couple, because I was hoping there would be fewer flared emotions.I still think we could be good friends, and that it would be worth meeting up and seeing how we're both doing.I'm not sure how I should approach this. We both made initiative for the post-breakup Meetup plans (I suggested the restaurant for the last cancelled Meetup). He usually reached out first if we fought as a couple. So I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to take initiative this time.TL;DR. Broke up because of fights over meeting in person in LDR. Tried to meet up as friends post-breakup, same problems flaring up again. Not sure if this is the end of the road.