M30 dating issue with F30

Tl;dr - she thinks there's no depth (maybe spark) to our relationship for her but I diagree

I've had a very odd moment with the girl I was dating, her thinking there's no depth (I think she sort of alluded to 'the spark') but I believe there clearly has been. She'd thought about this since I asked her 10 days ago now about letting me be her bf, and she'd come back to me over the weekend saying there no depth, that she would've expected to feel more. We've spent lots of time together over the past 7 weeks, texted everyday, gotten along very well, and stayed at each other's places. We've had 6 good dates in that time, we seemed to look forward to them, and several times she was the one to ask about the next time, and when she came over on the weekend it was supposed to be our 7th. I think maybe she freaked out and overlooked the good times?

We acknowledged that she'd thought about things not working out over the past week. She was concerned about our relationship lacking depth. She's joined this intense exercise programme and said she'd find things/time hard and that she's intrinsically lazy. I told her at one point that we're both busy people with busy lives, and acknowledged that it's a 45 min drive between us but that we've made time for each other before and that I'm more than happy to put time and effort in to go to her's more (5 of 6 dates she drove to my city) and that with me having more time free soon from work, that would make things easier. She said if we had depth it wouldn't matter, that she wouldn't be concerned about time or being lazy. That she would have expected to feel something deep by now. Several times before she's taken the initiative to take things further, and we've had great times and connected on many levels (emotionally, mentally, physically).

We talked about carrying things on and seeing how things go, for like a month or something I suggested, but she said she doubted that would work and that she'd still not feel this depth and we'd have the same conversation after and that she didn't want to lead me on (I replied by saying very truthfully she wouldn't, as I recognised that things don't always work out).

And I pointed out that doubts fester, feelings can take time, pointed out ways we matched and that we had great times together and began the year so well (she stayed at mine after NYE), that her pets liked me, that someone she didn't know at work said I was a catch because I made her this great lunch (for the laughs and touching on things we'd said before etc). What I think is that these doubts/fears/freaking out/uncertainty have maybe led her to ruminate and led her to overlook the good times and connections we have (physical, emotional, the intimacy).

Good times, good conversation, connectedness, physical intimacy - I think these need feelings to be there in the first place for them to be good, which is why I think there have been feelings and depth, but I didn't point this out when we spoke (it didn't come to me).

We agreed that she'd take a week to think about things and that I'd go to her's one evening next week (after she'd done things and would be free). I'd foolishly said don't worry about food, I'd bring something but she refused and said to eat beforehand. At one point she said that it may just end with her sending me back home soon after getting there and I said that would be ok. At the beginning she refused a seat at mine, saying she'd think I might talk her around. Towards the end she said I'd made a very well reasoned arguement (we talked for 40 mins), mostly me giving reasons why we were good together. I caressed her hand and she didn't pull away, we hugged tightly twice (I'd forgotten I'd locked the door) and said our goodbyes.

There are so many thoughts going through my head of how, if she gives a negative answer next week, to try and make a plea and a well reasoned argument about carrying on, and when I accept that I won't change her mind that night (which is what I'm dreading), about being open in the future if she ever wants to carry on where we leave things. I want to suggest to go slow. I want to carry on being with her because I feel very strongly there is depth and we've formed a bond, and I believe that we could potentially grow up love each other. I'm concerned she's overlooked good times and how well (I admittedly think) we match by focusing on doubts and fears. I know it won't work if we both don't agree on it and put time and effort in, but I'm wondering if there's anything else I might be missing?

Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. I realise I can't change a person's feelings with rational arguments (and indeed these arguments of mine are all biased by me) but maybe I could dispel fear and help continue forming our bond?

Submitted January 22, 2020 at 12:13AM

Tl;dr - she thinks there's no depth (maybe spark) to our relationship for her but I diagreeI've had a very odd moment with the girl I was dating, her thinking there's no depth (I think she sort of alluded to 'the spark') but I believe there clearly has been. She'd thought about this since I asked her 10 days ago now about letting me be her bf, and she'd come back to me over the weekend saying there no depth, that she would've expected to feel more. We've spent lots of time together over the past 7 weeks, texted everyday, gotten along very well, and stayed at each other's places. We've had 6 good dates in that time, we seemed to look forward to them, and several times she was the one to ask about the next time, and when she came over on the weekend it was supposed to be our 7th. I think maybe she freaked out and overlooked the good times?We acknowledged that she'd thought about things not working out over the past week. She was concerned about our relationship lacking depth. She's joined this intense exercise programme and said she'd find things/time hard and that she's intrinsically lazy. I told her at one point that we're both busy people with busy lives, and acknowledged that it's a 45 min drive between us but that we've made time for each other before and that I'm more than happy to put time and effort in to go to her's more (5 of 6 dates she drove to my city) and that with me having more time free soon from work, that would make things easier. She said if we had depth it wouldn't matter, that she wouldn't be concerned about time or being lazy. That she would have expected to feel something deep by now. Several times before she's taken the initiative to take things further, and we've had great times and connected on many levels (emotionally, mentally, physically).We talked about carrying things on and seeing how things go, for like a month or something I suggested, but she said she doubted that would work and that she'd still not feel this depth and we'd have the same conversation after and that she didn't want to lead me on (I replied by saying very truthfully she wouldn't, as I recognised that things don't always work out).And I pointed out that doubts fester, feelings can take time, pointed out ways we matched and that we had great times together and began the year so well (she stayed at mine after NYE), that her pets liked me, that someone she didn't know at work said I was a catch because I made her this great lunch (for the laughs and touching on things we'd said before etc). What I think is that these doubts/fears/freaking out/uncertainty have maybe led her to ruminate and led her to overlook the good times and connections we have (physical, emotional, the intimacy).Good times, good conversation, connectedness, physical intimacy - I think these need feelings to be there in the first place for them to be good, which is why I think there have been feelings and depth, but I didn't point this out when we spoke (it didn't come to me).We agreed that she'd take a week to think about things and that I'd go to her's one evening next week (after she'd done things and would be free). I'd foolishly said don't worry about food, I'd bring something but she refused and said to eat beforehand. At one point she said that it may just end with her sending me back home soon after getting there and I said that would be ok. At the beginning she refused a seat at mine, saying she'd think I might talk her around. Towards the end she said I'd made a very well reasoned arguement (we talked for 40 mins), mostly me giving reasons why we were good together. I caressed her hand and she didn't pull away, we hugged tightly twice (I'd forgotten I'd locked the door) and said our goodbyes.There are so many thoughts going through my head of how, if she gives a negative answer next week, to try and make a plea and a well reasoned argument about carrying on, and when I accept that I won't change her mind that night (which is what I'm dreading), about being open in the future if she ever wants to carry on where we leave things. I want to suggest to go slow. I want to carry on being with her because I feel very strongly there is depth and we've formed a bond, and I believe that we could potentially grow up love each other. I'm concerned she's overlooked good times and how well (I admittedly think) we match by focusing on doubts and fears. I know it won't work if we both don't agree on it and put time and effort in, but I'm wondering if there's anything else I might be missing?Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. I realise I can't change a person's feelings with rational arguments (and indeed these arguments of mine are all biased by me) but maybe I could dispel fear and help continue forming our bond?