Building confidence/skills in a new environment

(M 21) Currently in my last semester of undergrad, and I made it a goal this year to meet someone or at least up my dating game since I haven’t had really any luck my first three years, and this is my last kind of big opportunity around this many like-aged and minded people before starting full time work after graduation in May.

Since I turned 21 at the end of last semester, I decided that the bar scene might offer a better experience than my previous attempts at dating apps, since getting to interface in person is at a minimum more genuine than swiping on a screen IMO.

I went with some friends on Thursday and Saturday this week when semester started, and while I did feel better about the prospects socially and had fun, I haven’t really broken through fully understanding the culture and how i should act that comes with meeting people in this environment, yet.

Currently, I’m a somewhat introverted individual outside of close friends. Not totally to the point I’m excluded, but fairly opt to be more quiet than speaking up, and just try to be a nice individual and not bother anyone.

I realize that if I’m going to try bars/clubs, I definitely need to work on the quiet vs. speaking up aspect and build confidence to approach and talk with people I don’t know.

In addition to that however, are there certain good rules of thumb to follow when attempting to meet someone in a bar or club that you would recommend? I feel this is an aspect of my life I’m ready and willing to improve on, but I don’t want to sacrifice the aspects like trying to be kind or letting confidence become a thing that makes me seem arrogant/stuck up when in reality the last thing I’d want to do is come off as annoying or undesired. I’ve observed that a good chunk (not all) of the other guys in the bar I was at gave off a really douchey/alpha male-ish energy that I don’t feel comfortable or willing to try and match...

For example, Thursday night there was a cute girl I was eyeing who looked back and smiled a few times. Normally I would have approached and tried to talk or possibly buy a drink under considerate circumstances if things went well, but she was surrounded by guys basically the entire time from when I noticed her to when I left. Under that scenario I don’t have the guts to try and force my way into a conversation with that many people around, feel like I would just end up being cockblocked if I’m understanding norms right?

Didn’t think too much of it at the time, figured there’ll be others. But then Saturday I caught her again and she came up near me when I was ordering drinks for a friend. I was actually prepared to approach her this time and took her approaching near me as a good sign, but then same scenario kind of happened as Thursday with the other guys and I kind of lost my confidence/felt like that shot was missed.

It’s not something I’m going to obsess or get anxiety over, just an example of trying to understand and a situation where I should be confident but also still want to retain/embrace good aspects of my personality. As I enter the real world in a few months, I have a feeling that bars/clubs will probably be one of the main ways I’ll be able to interact with and meet new people going forward outside of immediate friends anyway, so I’d like to learn a bit.

Thanks!

Submitted January 22, 2020 at 12:12AM

(M 21) Currently in my last semester of undergrad, and I made it a goal this year to meet someone or at least up my dating game since I haven’t had really any luck my first three years, and this is my last kind of big opportunity around this many like-aged and minded people before starting full time work after graduation in May.Since I turned 21 at the end of last semester, I decided that the bar scene might offer a better experience than my previous attempts at dating apps, since getting to interface in person is at a minimum more genuine than swiping on a screen IMO.I went with some friends on Thursday and Saturday this week when semester started, and while I did feel better about the prospects socially and had fun, I haven’t really broken through fully understanding the culture and how i should act that comes with meeting people in this environment, yet.Currently, I’m a somewhat introverted individual outside of close friends. Not totally to the point I’m excluded, but fairly opt to be more quiet than speaking up, and just try to be a nice individual and not bother anyone.I realize that if I’m going to try bars/clubs, I definitely need to work on the quiet vs. speaking up aspect and build confidence to approach and talk with people I don’t know.In addition to that however, are there certain good rules of thumb to follow when attempting to meet someone in a bar or club that you would recommend? I feel this is an aspect of my life I’m ready and willing to improve on, but I don’t want to sacrifice the aspects like trying to be kind or letting confidence become a thing that makes me seem arrogant/stuck up when in reality the last thing I’d want to do is come off as annoying or undesired. I’ve observed that a good chunk (not all) of the other guys in the bar I was at gave off a really douchey/alpha male-ish energy that I don’t feel comfortable or willing to try and match...For example, Thursday night there was a cute girl I was eyeing who looked back and smiled a few times. Normally I would have approached and tried to talk or possibly buy a drink under considerate circumstances if things went well, but she was surrounded by guys basically the entire time from when I noticed her to when I left. Under that scenario I don’t have the guts to try and force my way into a conversation with that many people around, feel like I would just end up being cockblocked if I’m understanding norms right?Didn’t think too much of it at the time, figured there’ll be others. But then Saturday I caught her again and she came up near me when I was ordering drinks for a friend. I was actually prepared to approach her this time and took her approaching near me as a good sign, but then same scenario kind of happened as Thursday with the other guys and I kind of lost my confidence/felt like that shot was missed.It’s not something I’m going to obsess or get anxiety over, just an example of trying to understand and a situation where I should be confident but also still want to retain/embrace good aspects of my personality. As I enter the real world in a few months, I have a feeling that bars/clubs will probably be one of the main ways I’ll be able to interact with and meet new people going forward outside of immediate friends anyway, so I’d like to learn a bit.Thanks!