I (27M) am ashamed of becoming toxic in my last relationship to the only girl (20F) I’ve ever truly loved and would like to know how to approach future relationships and share my story to help others. [XL]

So over the last few months I’ve become very self aware and have fully realized that in past relationships I’ve become bored, cold and distant. In particular my last relationship ended quite terribly, she was possibly the sweetest, cutest and quite frankly greatest girl I’ve ever had the privilege to not only call a friend but a partner but yet during the relationship I became someone I’m not and someone I am ashamed of.

I would like to know if anyone has had similar experiences from either side, has any thoughts on how I should approach myself and future relationships and simply would like to vent by sharing my story as I hope it might help yours in the future.

-- the start --

Little background and hopefully a short (I tried... sorry) version of the story goes something like this, so we were together only around a year and a half however we lived together for about a year due to the nature of our work, housing is pretty hard and it was easier to move in together early in the relationship as we were both being pushed out of our own places.

Things were great, good jobs, lived in a great town, amazing social circle and just a solid fulfilling life. As expected we had a great time, great sex, laughed alot and felt happy. Due to the nature of her being 6/7 years younger I took her under my wing and she entered my social circle as we just clicked and everything felt smooth for the most part, despite the occasional hiccup which was always minor and to be expected.

A few months in I started falling pretty back into my own depressive ways and for the most part hid it from her, regardless she wanted more of my time, things started to become more ‘real’ and could tell that she was really starting to develop heavy feelings for me which felt both great and terrifying.

I always copped a few jokes here and there due to the age gap between us and it never bothered me, she’s smart, sexy and funny, most guys I know were hitting on her before me and I put it down to both jealously and just the nature of our social circle where we like to rag on each other for entertainment. However this started to change, knowing how she felt about me, how she looked up at me with those glistening eyes, I just started to feel like a bad person and that maybe this was wrong and how could I be so foolish to date someone who was that young (18 at the time).

Months went by, my depression started hitting me worse but the relationship was still going strong despite both my thoughts and now increasing unusually cold behavior. It was alot of fun but felt it could be better and was scared of falling into depression and fucking things up. (ahh the irony)

So I made a rash decision, I on having one of the greatest summers of my life with the best social circle I’ve possibly been in for some time have now decided that we should leave town, move to a new resort for next winter, and have a fresh start which will hopefully cheer me up and could be an adventure for both of us.

-- we move to a new town, I deteriorate --

So after this decision we move, however not before a small road trip which ends in tears, I became cold and hastily try to leave her as I find myself feeling lost. We talk through it as we end the month long trip and decide to give it another shot and proceed with plans for the winter.

We move into our place and live there for the next 5 months, over the course of this we have just a terrible time. We both find jobs we are unhappy in, hold a much weaker social dynamic and even though I find a few guy friends unfortunately for my partner she made pretty much no friends and her whole social life hinged on me again.

These external factors put a lot of pressure on the relationship at a time where we were rocky to say the least, I was at an all time low and so was she. At a time where I should of been there for her, her friend, her lover, her rock carving out a happy future for us, instead I started to become cold, emotionally unavailable, distant and now worse of all mean. I started to become quite honestly a cunt.

The very person I love was starting to frustrate me, I resented her. She was so sweet and thoughtful and it bothered me, she would send me cute messages through the day, ask me to come into work and say hi or just talk over lunch. She would come home from grocery shopping bringing me treats and snacks she knows I like and all of this somehow just annoyed me.

The more I pushed away the needier she became in turn pushing me further away, she was wanting constant attention, I felt as if I was babysitting my own girlfriend, why can’t she just have one friend to confide in, hang out with, why does she always need me when I can’t even stand who I’ve become. I’m less fun, less happy and feeling lost and she wants nothing more than me? What’s wrong with her? Can’t she please just give me a little space, I feel like I’m suffocating.

Despite the severe neediness she displayed the traits of a loving, caring, loyal girlfriend who is not only younger and less experienced while also dealing with me at a time of sadness was admirable, this was frustrating me. I started to look at myself in the mirror and think what the fuck is wrong with me. The girl I pursed and won the heart of, the very thing I’ve wanted is now something I no longer want? I know I love her but I hate myself, she hasn’t done anything other than be nice to me, so why am I being a dick to her.

On nights out we would walk home and I started to drunkenly become mean to her, say little things to make her upset for no reason other than to push her away. I would poke fun of her gaining a little weight honing in on her insecurities and tease her about her skiing, it was crushing her. I started to become a bully, I was the only person in her life she had, the man she loves and also now... her bully.

Why have I decided to start mocking the one thing I love and the only person in the world who truly loves me for me?

Towards the very end for a short time if I could make her cry, I did, I couldn’t help myself. I would get home from work and plan to be nothing but sweet and not five minutes later words came out of my mouth without even thinking and tears would stream down her cheeks. Seeing her hurt, seeing her cry would break my heart regardless of the fact that I was the cause. I started to stay away from the house at times just to not become that person and although I wasn’t like this all the time, one time is one to many.

What made it hard was that it was so 'bipolar-esque', we both never knew who I was going to be at times, the loving caring boyfriend, or just someone sad, upset and possibly mean.

Of course any time it happened a wave of guilt and clarity would hit me the following hour or day for which I would apologize and make up for, but I knew that deep down I couldn't be the source of unhappiness to this most amazing girl anymore. I need to leave her. I can’t become this type of person, I want to be a source of light in someone's life, I should be building them up, not tearing them down. At a time where she needs me most, I’m letting her down and I can’t fix it.

I was excited to leave her, she was clearly super co-dependant, young and had much less life experience under her belt than I did and convinced myself this was needed not just for myself but for her.

So we’re heading towards the end, I’m leaving her and I’ve told her it’s for the better and that I need to be myself and that she needs to go experience life on her own accord so she can grow as a person deal with her insecurities and anxieties and to grow as a strong independent person, all the same things I need to work on myself.

This decision was not made lightly, in giving her up I also lose the chance to apply to become a permanent resident in the only country I’ve ever wanted to live in but knew that I couldn’t just use her in that way, and so I lost her and my dream country in the process.

She was crushed, I was free.

-- the return of her --

Months roll by I’m happier than ever and we get in contact, we now live in different cities but she's passing by and wants to visit while passing by and drop off some stuff she has of mine.

We chat and while I’ve had a great few months, she admits she's been having a hard time but over the last few weeks has been feeling happier than ever. We keep catching up and find it funny that I have a causal relationship with two new girls while she is also dating two new partners, we end up hanging out all day and I just couldn’t believe how much I missed her.

She was no longer that sad shadow of herself, she was sexy, funny, quick witted and confident. She was the person I first became attracted to and I know that she was feeling the same about me, she was flirting with me hard and I liked it… alot.

The day passes by and we end up going out for drinks with one thing leading to another and she ends up back at mine next to me naked in bed. The sex was possibly the best of our lives and after we just open up, we talk like we never talked before and for the first time ever we both tell each other the phrase ‘I love you’, something not only have I never told her, but something I’ve never told any partner before and now it’s happening months later, as exes, casually dating other people... Weird. In this moment she became happy but also very frustrated with me as saying that ‘I've become the person she always wanted me to become... emotionally available’.

Anyhoo I walk her home to where she's staying and after and a few weeks later, ends up back at mine on the way back through and decides to spend the week with me. I fall in love like I’ve never felt before and it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks. I start to become weak, clingy, needy and desperate for her to be back in my life and this was all starting to scare her. After a heavy week of emotional pain, mixed in with just the sheer fun and enjoyment of being in her company, she left. For good.

-- she leaves, my heart breaks --

Having never had anyone leave before and for it to happen in such a manner while opening up for the first time ever really hurt, extremely hurt. Ironic I know, having kept myself emotionally unavailable to avoid this exact situation and to then finally make myself open and vulnerable to get burnt so quickly, never had I let someone into my mind like I had that week.

I left and pushed away the only girl I’ve ever loved for her to then come back and leave me after sharing such intimate moments, declaring our love and talking about a possible future. It sucked I was confused, hurt and just a fucking mess.

I hit rock bottom, lost 15lbs in two weeks as I couldn’t eat and my life came to a grinding halt. Whatever I was feeling is nothing like I have ever felt before, it was crushing, indescribable. She consumed my thoughts, hurt me and yet I understood and only blamed myself.

Despite this I continue to embarrass myself over the next few weeks/months, texting, calling and ultimately pushing her so far away she might as well be on mars. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, she consumed my everyday thoughts, every waking moment replaying our conversations, the fun, the sex, the sadness… her with new partners, hanging with friends at home.. I started looking at how I could have done things differently. This needed to stop.

-- Travel and my mind awakens --

I realized I was unstable and kind of scaring myself that I was becoming somewhat obsessed. So I unfollowed her social media accounts, deleted all our message conversations purchased a plane ticket went backpacking for a few months. I changed my perspective, I pursued new hobbies, made new friends, dated new girls and had an overall, really enlightening time finding my new sense of self, reconnecting with who I am and who I want to become.

It was great, I feel the most ‘woke’ I have ever felt and feel like as a person, this is exactly what I needed to be the person I’m on the journey to becoming.

But yet I still think of her from time to time and all of those cliches like; you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, the grass is greener on the other side, the very things you resent become the very things you miss and all that bullshit. Well it’s all true.

-- questions --

Now I’m home, I've found myself in some old habits, mainly I’m just sad that I left someone I love in a worse state than when I first found them, how shitty is that of me.

I wish I could apply what I know now to what I could potentially have with her.

Even though I have no plans to initiate contact with her and just plan to let her be, I’m finding it really hard at the concept of the person I’m still in love with, being out there living their one and only life without me by their side.

I would give anything just to hear her voice and make sure she is okay, and that she is happy and safe.

And all of this is my fault, yes she has her own problems to work on and no she wasn’t a perfect partner despite her being pretty damn close. And again yes the external factors we faced at the new town were a big issue for our relationship along with our age gap and experience. But the nail in the coffin was me. The uncharacteristically emotionally abusive, cold and selfish man I became who pushed away the only thing in his life he has ever truly loved, opened up to and still cares for.

--

Soooooo

Has anyone had a similar experience? On either side?

Offer great insight or perspective?

How should I approach both myself and future relationships?

--------

TLDR:

Was in a relationship with a girl for near on two years, started to become cold, distant and emotionally abusive in which forced me to leave the relationship as it’s not someone I wanted to become. Despite the relationship turning bad due to a number of factors, I found myself still deeply in love with her and ashamed of myself and would like to know how to approach future relationships and if anyone out there has had similar experiences from either side.

Submitted January 16, 2020 at 12:18AM

So over the last few months I’ve become very self aware and have fully realized that in past relationships I’ve become bored, cold and distant. In particular my last relationship ended quite terribly, she was possibly the sweetest, cutest and quite frankly greatest girl I’ve ever had the privilege to not only call a friend but a partner but yet during the relationship I became someone I’m not and someone I am ashamed of.I would like to know if anyone has had similar experiences from either side, has any thoughts on how I should approach myself and future relationships and simply would like to vent by sharing my story as I hope it might help yours in the future.-- the start --Little background and hopefully a short (I tried... sorry) version of the story goes something like this, so we were together only around a year and a half however we lived together for about a year due to the nature of our work, housing is pretty hard and it was easier to move in together early in the relationship as we were both being pushed out of our own places.Things were great, good jobs, lived in a great town, amazing social circle and just a solid fulfilling life. As expected we had a great time, great sex, laughed alot and felt happy. Due to the nature of her being 6/7 years younger I took her under my wing and she entered my social circle as we just clicked and everything felt smooth for the most part, despite the occasional hiccup which was always minor and to be expected.A few months in I started falling pretty back into my own depressive ways and for the most part hid it from her, regardless she wanted more of my time, things started to become more ‘real’ and could tell that she was really starting to develop heavy feelings for me which felt both great and terrifying.I always copped a few jokes here and there due to the age gap between us and it never bothered me, she’s smart, sexy and funny, most guys I know were hitting on her before me and I put it down to both jealously and just the nature of our social circle where we like to rag on each other for entertainment. However this started to change, knowing how she felt about me, how she looked up at me with those glistening eyes, I just started to feel like a bad person and that maybe this was wrong and how could I be so foolish to date someone who was that young (18 at the time).Months went by, my depression started hitting me worse but the relationship was still going strong despite both my thoughts and now increasing unusually cold behavior. It was alot of fun but felt it could be better and was scared of falling into depression and fucking things up. (ahh the irony)So I made a rash decision, I on having one of the greatest summers of my life with the best social circle I’ve possibly been in for some time have now decided that we should leave town, move to a new resort for next winter, and have a fresh start which will hopefully cheer me up and could be an adventure for both of us.-- we move to a new town, I deteriorate --So after this decision we move, however not before a small road trip which ends in tears, I became cold and hastily try to leave her as I find myself feeling lost. We talk through it as we end the month long trip and decide to give it another shot and proceed with plans for the winter.We move into our place and live there for the next 5 months, over the course of this we have just a terrible time. We both find jobs we are unhappy in, hold a much weaker social dynamic and even though I find a few guy friends unfortunately for my partner she made pretty much no friends and her whole social life hinged on me again.These external factors put a lot of pressure on the relationship at a time where we were rocky to say the least, I was at an all time low and so was she. At a time where I should of been there for her, her friend, her lover, her rock carving out a happy future for us, instead I started to become cold, emotionally unavailable, distant and now worse of all mean. I started to become quite honestly a cunt.The very person I love was starting to frustrate me, I resented her. She was so sweet and thoughtful and it bothered me, she would send me cute messages through the day, ask me to come into work and say hi or just talk over lunch. She would come home from grocery shopping bringing me treats and snacks she knows I like and all of this somehow just annoyed me.The more I pushed away the needier she became in turn pushing me further away, she was wanting constant attention, I felt as if I was babysitting my own girlfriend, why can’t she just have one friend to confide in, hang out with, why does she always need me when I can’t even stand who I’ve become. I’m less fun, less happy and feeling lost and she wants nothing more than me? What’s wrong with her? Can’t she please just give me a little space, I feel like I’m suffocating.Despite the severe neediness she displayed the traits of a loving, caring, loyal girlfriend who is not only younger and less experienced while also dealing with me at a time of sadness was admirable, this was frustrating me. I started to look at myself in the mirror and think what the fuck is wrong with me. The girl I pursed and won the heart of, the very thing I’ve wanted is now something I no longer want? I know I love her but I hate myself, she hasn’t done anything other than be nice to me, so why am I being a dick to her.On nights out we would walk home and I started to drunkenly become mean to her, say little things to make her upset for no reason other than to push her away. I would poke fun of her gaining a little weight honing in on her insecurities and tease her about her skiing, it was crushing her. I started to become a bully, I was the only person in her life she had, the man she loves and also now... her bully.Why have I decided to start mocking the one thing I love and the only person in the world who truly loves me for me?Towards the very end for a short time if I could make her cry, I did, I couldn’t help myself. I would get home from work and plan to be nothing but sweet and not five minutes later words came out of my mouth without even thinking and tears would stream down her cheeks. Seeing her hurt, seeing her cry would break my heart regardless of the fact that I was the cause. I started to stay away from the house at times just to not become that person and although I wasn’t like this all the time, one time is one to many.What made it hard was that it was so 'bipolar-esque', we both never knew who I was going to be at times, the loving caring boyfriend, or just someone sad, upset and possibly mean.Of course any time it happened a wave of guilt and clarity would hit me the following hour or day for which I would apologize and make up for, but I knew that deep down I couldn't be the source of unhappiness to this most amazing girl anymore. I need to leave her. I can’t become this type of person, I want to be a source of light in someone's life, I should be building them up, not tearing them down. At a time where she needs me most, I’m letting her down and I can’t fix it.I was excited to leave her, she was clearly super co-dependant, young and had much less life experience under her belt than I did and convinced myself this was needed not just for myself but for her.So we’re heading towards the end, I’m leaving her and I’ve told her it’s for the better and that I need to be myself and that she needs to go experience life on her own accord so she can grow as a person deal with her insecurities and anxieties and to grow as a strong independent person, all the same things I need to work on myself.This decision was not made lightly, in giving her up I also lose the chance to apply to become a permanent resident in the only country I’ve ever wanted to live in but knew that I couldn’t just use her in that way, and so I lost her and my dream country in the process.She was crushed, I was free.-- the return of her --Months roll by I’m happier than ever and we get in contact, we now live in different cities but she's passing by and wants to visit while passing by and drop off some stuff she has of mine.We chat and while I’ve had a great few months, she admits she's been having a hard time but over the last few weeks has been feeling happier than ever. We keep catching up and find it funny that I have a causal relationship with two new girls while she is also dating two new partners, we end up hanging out all day and I just couldn’t believe how much I missed her.She was no longer that sad shadow of herself, she was sexy, funny, quick witted and confident. She was the person I first became attracted to and I know that she was feeling the same about me, she was flirting with me hard and I liked it… alot.The day passes by and we end up going out for drinks with one thing leading to another and she ends up back at mine next to me naked in bed. The sex was possibly the best of our lives and after we just open up, we talk like we never talked before and for the first time ever we both tell each other the phrase ‘I love you’, something not only have I never told her, but something I’ve never told any partner before and now it’s happening months later, as exes, casually dating other people... Weird. In this moment she became happy but also very frustrated with me as saying that ‘I've become the person she always wanted me to become... emotionally available’.Anyhoo I walk her home to where she's staying and after and a few weeks later, ends up back at mine on the way back through and decides to spend the week with me. I fall in love like I’ve never felt before and it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks. I start to become weak, clingy, needy and desperate for her to be back in my life and this was all starting to scare her. After a heavy week of emotional pain, mixed in with just the sheer fun and enjoyment of being in her company, she left. For good.-- she leaves, my heart breaks --Having never had anyone leave before and for it to happen in such a manner while opening up for the first time ever really hurt, extremely hurt. Ironic I know, having kept myself emotionally unavailable to avoid this exact situation and to then finally make myself open and vulnerable to get burnt so quickly, never had I let someone into my mind like I had that week.I left and pushed away the only girl I’ve ever loved for her to then come back and leave me after sharing such intimate moments, declaring our love and talking about a possible future. It sucked I was confused, hurt and just a fucking mess.I hit rock bottom, lost 15lbs in two weeks as I couldn’t eat and my life came to a grinding halt. Whatever I was feeling is nothing like I have ever felt before, it was crushing, indescribable. She consumed my thoughts, hurt me and yet I understood and only blamed myself.Despite this I continue to embarrass myself over the next few weeks/months, texting, calling and ultimately pushing her so far away she might as well be on mars. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, she consumed my everyday thoughts, every waking moment replaying our conversations, the fun, the sex, the sadness… her with new partners, hanging with friends at home.. I started looking at how I could have done things differently. This needed to stop.-- Travel and my mind awakens --I realized I was unstable and kind of scaring myself that I was becoming somewhat obsessed. So I unfollowed her social media accounts, deleted all our message conversations purchased a plane ticket went backpacking for a few months. I changed my perspective, I pursued new hobbies, made new friends, dated new girls and had an overall, really enlightening time finding my new sense of self, reconnecting with who I am and who I want to become.It was great, I feel the most ‘woke’ I have ever felt and feel like as a person, this is exactly what I needed to be the person I’m on the journey to becoming.But yet I still think of her from time to time and all of those cliches like; you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, the grass is greener on the other side, the very things you resent become the very things you miss and all that bullshit. Well it’s all true.-- questions --Now I’m home, I've found myself in some old habits, mainly I’m just sad that I left someone I love in a worse state than when I first found them, how shitty is that of me.I wish I could apply what I know now to what I could potentially have with her.Even though I have no plans to initiate contact with her and just plan to let her be, I’m finding it really hard at the concept of the person I’m still in love with, being out there living their one and only life without me by their side.I would give anything just to hear her voice and make sure she is okay, and that she is happy and safe.And all of this is my fault, yes she has her own problems to work on and no she wasn’t a perfect partner despite her being pretty damn close. And again yes the external factors we faced at the new town were a big issue for our relationship along with our age gap and experience. But the nail in the coffin was me. The uncharacteristically emotionally abusive, cold and selfish man I became who pushed away the only thing in his life he has ever truly loved, opened up to and still cares for.--SooooooHas anyone had a similar experience? On either side?Offer great insight or perspective?How should I approach both myself and future relationships?--------TLDR:Was in a relationship with a girl for near on two years, started to become cold, distant and emotionally abusive in which forced me to leave the relationship as it’s not someone I wanted to become. Despite the relationship turning bad due to a number of factors, I found myself still deeply in love with her and ashamed of myself and would like to know how to approach future relationships and if anyone out there has had similar experiences from either side.