I (27F) don't know what to do about my relationship with my husband's (30M) friend (30sM)

Throwaway for anonymity.

tl;dr I'm uncomfortable around my husband's friend after he made a gross comment to me while he was drunk. Not sure how to proceed.

Backstory: My husband, "John" and I have been friends with a couple, "Dan" and "Jan", for a little over two years. Last summer, we started hanging out with them more regularly and going on weekend vacations about once every month. On these vacations we spend the whole weekend together, cook together, play games, do activities, etc. It's safe to say we spend a considerable amount of time together.

Event: The four of us attended a mutual friend's wedding last summer, and in standard wedding fashion we were spending the night drinking and dancing. John and Dan drank significantly more than me and Jan, and soon they were considerably drunk. About 3/4ths of the way through the evening, I'm on the dance floor and Dan is nearby also dancing, while Jan and John are across the room talking to other guests. Then, while dancing, Dan leans over to me and said something to the effect of "if my wife weren't right over there, I'd totally smack your ass". I'm completely taken aback because I never felt like Dan ever thought about me like that. In the moment I told him with a straight face and monotone "go to your wife". He kept dancing as if nothing happened.

The next day, I told my husband what Dan said and he was very understanding and supportive of my feelings about being uncomfortable. But he also defended Dan and said he was very drunk and probably didn't mean it or didn't know what he was saying. I explained that whether or not he meant to say it, he did say it, and now I'm left wondering what else he thinks about me and if he'd ever escalate to saying more to me or even touching me.

Current situation: After that, I felt very uncomfortable around Dan and avoided events with him at all possible. We still went on our planned vacations with them all summer and occasionally see them on the weekends to watch movies and hang out. When we do hang out, I avoid Dan, try not to speak with him, look at him, or engage because I'm so uncomfortable.

My husband is aware of how I feel. I've repeatedly told my husband that I'm uncomfortable around Dan and would be happy if we never hung out with them again. He again validated my feelings and agreed that what Dan said was wrong. He's suggested that I either speak with Dan about the incident to try to clear the air or we end the friendship. Personally, I don't want to listen to Dan apologize or try to explain why he said what he did. And I also would feel bad if I ended this friendship (even though it's not one I value) because my husband considers Dan to be a very close friend. John wants to support me and my wishes but I know he'd be upset if I caused him to lose his friend.

It's about time for us to plan this year's vacations and so this conversation resurfaced. I'm again torn between keeping my feelings bottled up and not making Dan apologize, confronting Dan, or ending the friendship entirely. I'm so unsure with how to proceed without feeling guilty one way or another.

Submitted January 21, 2020 at 12:23AM

Throwaway for anonymity.tl;dr I'm uncomfortable around my husband's friend after he made a gross comment to me while he was drunk. Not sure how to proceed.Backstory: My husband, "John" and I have been friends with a couple, "Dan" and "Jan", for a little over two years. Last summer, we started hanging out with them more regularly and going on weekend vacations about once every month. On these vacations we spend the whole weekend together, cook together, play games, do activities, etc. It's safe to say we spend a considerable amount of time together.Event: The four of us attended a mutual friend's wedding last summer, and in standard wedding fashion we were spending the night drinking and dancing. John and Dan drank significantly more than me and Jan, and soon they were considerably drunk. About 3/4ths of the way through the evening, I'm on the dance floor and Dan is nearby also dancing, while Jan and John are across the room talking to other guests. Then, while dancing, Dan leans over to me and said something to the effect of "if my wife weren't right over there, I'd totally smack your ass". I'm completely taken aback because I never felt like Dan ever thought about me like that. In the moment I told him with a straight face and monotone "go to your wife". He kept dancing as if nothing happened.The next day, I told my husband what Dan said and he was very understanding and supportive of my feelings about being uncomfortable. But he also defended Dan and said he was very drunk and probably didn't mean it or didn't know what he was saying. I explained that whether or not he meant to say it, he did say it, and now I'm left wondering what else he thinks about me and if he'd ever escalate to saying more to me or even touching me.Current situation: After that, I felt very uncomfortable around Dan and avoided events with him at all possible. We still went on our planned vacations with them all summer and occasionally see them on the weekends to watch movies and hang out. When we do hang out, I avoid Dan, try not to speak with him, look at him, or engage because I'm so uncomfortable.My husband is aware of how I feel. I've repeatedly told my husband that I'm uncomfortable around Dan and would be happy if we never hung out with them again. He again validated my feelings and agreed that what Dan said was wrong. He's suggested that I either speak with Dan about the incident to try to clear the air or we end the friendship. Personally, I don't want to listen to Dan apologize or try to explain why he said what he did. And I also would feel bad if I ended this friendship (even though it's not one I value) because my husband considers Dan to be a very close friend. John wants to support me and my wishes but I know he'd be upset if I caused him to lose his friend.It's about time for us to plan this year's vacations and so this conversation resurfaced. I'm again torn between keeping my feelings bottled up and not making Dan apologize, confronting Dan, or ending the friendship entirely. I'm so unsure with how to proceed without feeling guilty one way or another.