Am I [27M] being manipulative or is my partner [24F]

I'll attempt to keep this brief and use the simplest example as our main disagreement always ends up being a difference in language so some clarification there would be appreciated.

TLDR: I asked my girlfriend about her past and when she wanted to know something about my past she used that to coerce me.

This all started on our first date. She mentioned in passing that she had dated a married guy who was going to leave his wife for her but that she'd 'keep that story for another time'. I was a bit taken aback so I didn't really say much at the time.

Over the following months she had told various stories about her past which made it pretty clear she had an affair while dating her last long-term boyfriend. She was going away on holiday - I was feeling insecure, and asked her to clear the air and be honest with me. I never really cared about what she had done - just more so about how she felt about it now and some reassurance that she wasn't that person anymore and respected me enough to tell me as her original stance seemed almost like boasting and had left a bad taste in my mouth.

After a few big arguments she gave me enough details for me to feel okay about it and I didn't place too much weight in it because it was clear she was mostly embarassed about what had happened.

Fast forward another few months - we were looking through some of her old photos and a street I recognised triggered an old memory - I was in a bad place at the time, head was all over the place, my partner had just left me for someone else and I was struggling big time in University. After a mental breakdown and decent into nilihism, and subsequent suicide attempt. I got diagnosed with severe ADHD a few weeks later. This was a Truman-show level of event for me, I started excelling and being able to do the things I knew I was capable of, and was finally able to understand the reasoning for my past failings.

She noticed me going quiet / weird when I seen the picture and asked me what was wrong. I brushed her off and said I was fine, she pushed me on this and I said I didn't want to talk about it yet - but I would when I felt comfortable. She asked another few times and when I was continued to refuse and said that I wasn't ready to talk about - she then said 'I told you about the affair, why won't you tell me about this?'

I said the two things weren't related, I wasn't purposedly keeping something for her, I just wasn't comfortable telling her yet - I had barely thought of the words in my own head yet, and that bringing that up to try and coerce me was manipulative.

She was not happy about this, said I was gaslighting her - that manipulation required premeditation and it's only something really nasty people do with evil intent. I maintained that most people are manipulative to a certain extent - mostly subconsciously, and simply means using something irrelevent to shift the discussion and guilt the person to do what you want them to do.

Her argument is that regardless of my logic - it's a social term and reserved for shitty people - and that all her friends would tell her to leave me if she told them I was calling her manipulative.

Due to the ADHD - I think in very black/white terms. More than happy to accept I'm wrong here if someone can explain it logically. In retrospect I would've used different words - but I was feeling attacked/controlled so didn't really have time to consider all the outcomes or how the word would make her feel. I'm guilty of being too analytical in arguments and even using logical rationalisations to avoid things I don't want to do or get my way, but it was more about trying to make her see that I didn't think her tactics in that situation were okay, and it only got to that point because she wouldn't drop it.

Submitted January 13, 2020 at 11:54PM

I'll attempt to keep this brief and use the simplest example as our main disagreement always ends up being a difference in language so some clarification there would be appreciated.TLDR: I asked my girlfriend about her past and when she wanted to know something about my past she used that to coerce me.This all started on our first date. She mentioned in passing that she had dated a married guy who was going to leave his wife for her but that she'd 'keep that story for another time'. I was a bit taken aback so I didn't really say much at the time.Over the following months she had told various stories about her past which made it pretty clear she had an affair while dating her last long-term boyfriend. She was going away on holiday - I was feeling insecure, and asked her to clear the air and be honest with me. I never really cared about what she had done - just more so about how she felt about it now and some reassurance that she wasn't that person anymore and respected me enough to tell me as her original stance seemed almost like boasting and had left a bad taste in my mouth.After a few big arguments she gave me enough details for me to feel okay about it and I didn't place too much weight in it because it was clear she was mostly embarassed about what had happened.Fast forward another few months - we were looking through some of her old photos and a street I recognised triggered an old memory - I was in a bad place at the time, head was all over the place, my partner had just left me for someone else and I was struggling big time in University. After a mental breakdown and decent into nilihism, and subsequent suicide attempt. I got diagnosed with severe ADHD a few weeks later. This was a Truman-show level of event for me, I started excelling and being able to do the things I knew I was capable of, and was finally able to understand the reasoning for my past failings.She noticed me going quiet / weird when I seen the picture and asked me what was wrong. I brushed her off and said I was fine, she pushed me on this and I said I didn't want to talk about it yet - but I would when I felt comfortable. She asked another few times and when I was continued to refuse and said that I wasn't ready to talk about - she then said 'I told you about the affair, why won't you tell me about this?'I said the two things weren't related, I wasn't purposedly keeping something for her, I just wasn't comfortable telling her yet - I had barely thought of the words in my own head yet, and that bringing that up to try and coerce me was manipulative.She was not happy about this, said I was gaslighting her - that manipulation required premeditation and it's only something really nasty people do with evil intent. I maintained that most people are manipulative to a certain extent - mostly subconsciously, and simply means using something irrelevent to shift the discussion and guilt the person to do what you want them to do.Her argument is that regardless of my logic - it's a social term and reserved for shitty people - and that all her friends would tell her to leave me if she told them I was calling her manipulative.Due to the ADHD - I think in very black/white terms. More than happy to accept I'm wrong here if someone can explain it logically. In retrospect I would've used different words - but I was feeling attacked/controlled so didn't really have time to consider all the outcomes or how the word would make her feel. I'm guilty of being too analytical in arguments and even using logical rationalisations to avoid things I don't want to do or get my way, but it was more about trying to make her see that I didn't think her tactics in that situation were okay, and it only got to that point because she wouldn't drop it.