How common is it for married couples to keep separate finances?

I’m a saver, my husband is a spender. We’re in our 30s. Neither of us make a lot of money, but we’re [mostly] comfortable. The problem is, he makes more than twice what I do annually. He has had some financial difficulty in the past, which has led us to maintaining separate accounts when we got married 7 years ago, and it’s been that way ever since. We have a system wherein we are each responsible for certain expenses (he pays the mortgage and phones, I pay for groceries and electricity— stuff like that) but our funds are never commingled for any reason.

I have tried to gain some insight into his financial wellness so that I can try to get a big-picture look at how we’re doing (such as when we discuss taking on a home improvement project or going on vacation), but whenever I bring up the issue of saving money for something or wanting to know where he stands (is he contributing to a retirement account yet? How much credit card debt does he have, and how hard is he working to pay it down?) he gets defensive. I have no idea what his financial situation looks like, but I maintain a spreadsheet to track mine.

I guess I’m under the impression married couples usually pool their money together. But since we both work, I feel like there hasn’t been much of a reason to blend our finances. We both basically live off of what we make ourselves, with each of us responsible for different major recurring expenses.

But if I want to buy a new coat, for example, the money I spend in doing so is 100% mine. If I don’t have extra money that’s not allocated to savings, bills, or paying off a credit card, I don’t get a new coat.

To offer some background, neither of us have been given great examples as far as our parents go. Growing up, my mom didn’t work for many years, and my parents often argued about money and my mom’s extravagant spending habits. So I guess I just thought it would be easier to maintain separate finances and try to maintain some independence, but I’ve also heard people say that it doesn’t work well, and I am starting to wonder if they are correct.

I don’t feel entitled to the money my husband makes, but I feel like I’m at a bit of a disadvantage the way we’ve been doing things. I have friends who don’t work at all— and have children— but don’t seem to hesitate or give a second thought to going out and spending their husband’s money on clothes or a new rug or something.

Am I looking at this all wrong? Should I be more comfortable with the idea of blending our finances, and hoping that maybe it would encourage careful spending, more saving, and accountability? Or am I smart to want to protect my own interests since when it comes to finances, we aren’t on the same page? Is this a sign of a much bigger problem (that I may or may not already be aware of)?

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Please be nice.

Submitted December 27, 2019 at 12:14AM

I’m a saver, my husband is a spender. We’re in our 30s. Neither of us make a lot of money, but we’re [mostly] comfortable. The problem is, he makes more than twice what I do annually. He has had some financial difficulty in the past, which has led us to maintaining separate accounts when we got married 7 years ago, and it’s been that way ever since. We have a system wherein we are each responsible for certain expenses (he pays the mortgage and phones, I pay for groceries and electricity— stuff like that) but our funds are never commingled for any reason.I have tried to gain some insight into his financial wellness so that I can try to get a big-picture look at how we’re doing (such as when we discuss taking on a home improvement project or going on vacation), but whenever I bring up the issue of saving money for something or wanting to know where he stands (is he contributing to a retirement account yet? How much credit card debt does he have, and how hard is he working to pay it down?) he gets defensive. I have no idea what his financial situation looks like, but I maintain a spreadsheet to track mine.I guess I’m under the impression married couples usually pool their money together. But since we both work, I feel like there hasn’t been much of a reason to blend our finances. We both basically live off of what we make ourselves, with each of us responsible for different major recurring expenses.But if I want to buy a new coat, for example, the money I spend in doing so is 100% mine. If I don’t have extra money that’s not allocated to savings, bills, or paying off a credit card, I don’t get a new coat.To offer some background, neither of us have been given great examples as far as our parents go. Growing up, my mom didn’t work for many years, and my parents often argued about money and my mom’s extravagant spending habits. So I guess I just thought it would be easier to maintain separate finances and try to maintain some independence, but I’ve also heard people say that it doesn’t work well, and I am starting to wonder if they are correct.I don’t feel entitled to the money my husband makes, but I feel like I’m at a bit of a disadvantage the way we’ve been doing things. I have friends who don’t work at all— and have children— but don’t seem to hesitate or give a second thought to going out and spending their husband’s money on clothes or a new rug or something.Am I looking at this all wrong? Should I be more comfortable with the idea of blending our finances, and hoping that maybe it would encourage careful spending, more saving, and accountability? Or am I smart to want to protect my own interests since when it comes to finances, we aren’t on the same page? Is this a sign of a much bigger problem (that I may or may not already be aware of)?Any thoughts would be appreciated. Please be nice.