Dating someone new whose parent is sick?

I've been chatting on and off with a guy I met on one of the online dating sites. We're finally ready to meet. He just now told me that one of his parents recently got diagnosed with a serious cancer. My heart breaks for him and his family, but I'm torn about whether I should proceed with meeting him. I'm not sure I'm in a place right now where I can get involved in something this heavy. I don't know what that would mean for his ability to be present in a relationship. If I were *already* in a relationship with him or if we were already friends, that would be a different story. OR if he had waited to tell me after we'd been on at least one or two dates, that also would be different. But in this case, we've never even met and I have no real emotional connection or even strong attraction to him (it's hard for me to be attracted to people I've only met online).

Also I have noticed a bit of a pattern in the communication with him, but maybe it's not really a pattern. We actually tried to do a first date months ago but he had to cancel because he was sick, which was totally understandable. Then we didn't chat for a few weeks while life got in the way and we had to put dating on hold. Right after we reconnected, he says he lost his phone...and then the news about his parent. It seems like one thing after another, and I'm saying "wow, I'm so sorry to hear that" a lot. I know bad things do happen and maybe I'm being an insensitive asshole (please tell me if I am), but my red flag meter is just very high because it's always hard when you're essentially dealing with a stranger online. I believe everything he's telling me is the truth though, because who would lie about a parent being sick? What kind of a bad person am I for even questioning him?

I tried to look at it from his perspective. If I had a sick parent, I most likely wouldn't be dating, or I'd wait to tell someone after the first or second date. But everyone is different. Maybe he's doing the right thing by mentioning it upfront? Especially since it seems like the diagnosis happened during the few weeks we weren't chatting? I know we never truly know how we'd react to things until they actually happen to us, right? Telling someone upfront at least weeds out anyone who isn't worthy (e.g. people like me, because I really feel like an asshole for not being more compassionate). So yes, I totally can see why he'd want to share that info upfront.

I have yet to reply to him after he told me the news about his parent. I know he's probably worried that I'm running for the hills, but I have been so fraught about how to approach this.

What would you do if someone you met online told you before your first date that their parent was just diagnosed with cancer? Would you still go on the date? I'm leaning towards YES, and at least doing coffee with him. But then what do I say during the date when it comes to his parent? How involved do I get? If I don't click with him or want to see him further, how do I turn him down, given that he's already got a LOT going on in his life? At the same time, if I bail now, I'll feel bad because it'll obviously look like I'm bailing because of that. I don't even know how to call off a first date without being an a-hole. I wouldn't want to ghost or vanish. And I feel like an asshole for making this about me and my feelings when really I should be more compassionate about what he's going through. It would be different if I already knew him in person and we had more of a history together, but since we're still strangers and I don't know him enough to know whether I'd like him, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is while not hurting his feelings. Any insights would be appreciated.

Submitted October 19, 2019 at 12:16AM

I've been chatting on and off with a guy I met on one of the online dating sites. We're finally ready to meet. He just now told me that one of his parents recently got diagnosed with a serious cancer. My heart breaks for him and his family, but I'm torn about whether I should proceed with meeting him. I'm not sure I'm in a place right now where I can get involved in something this heavy. I don't know what that would mean for his ability to be present in a relationship. If I were *already* in a relationship with him or if we were already friends, that would be a different story. OR if he had waited to tell me after we'd been on at least one or two dates, that also would be different. But in this case, we've never even met and I have no real emotional connection or even strong attraction to him (it's hard for me to be attracted to people I've only met online).Also I have noticed a bit of a pattern in the communication with him, but maybe it's not really a pattern. We actually tried to do a first date months ago but he had to cancel because he was sick, which was totally understandable. Then we didn't chat for a few weeks while life got in the way and we had to put dating on hold. Right after we reconnected, he says he lost his phone...and then the news about his parent. It seems like one thing after another, and I'm saying "wow, I'm so sorry to hear that" a lot. I know bad things do happen and maybe I'm being an insensitive asshole (please tell me if I am), but my red flag meter is just very high because it's always hard when you're essentially dealing with a stranger online. I believe everything he's telling me is the truth though, because who would lie about a parent being sick? What kind of a bad person am I for even questioning him?I tried to look at it from his perspective. If I had a sick parent, I most likely wouldn't be dating, or I'd wait to tell someone after the first or second date. But everyone is different. Maybe he's doing the right thing by mentioning it upfront? Especially since it seems like the diagnosis happened during the few weeks we weren't chatting? I know we never truly know how we'd react to things until they actually happen to us, right? Telling someone upfront at least weeds out anyone who isn't worthy (e.g. people like me, because I really feel like an asshole for not being more compassionate). So yes, I totally can see why he'd want to share that info upfront.I have yet to reply to him after he told me the news about his parent. I know he's probably worried that I'm running for the hills, but I have been so fraught about how to approach this.What would you do if someone you met online told you before your first date that their parent was just diagnosed with cancer? Would you still go on the date? I'm leaning towards YES, and at least doing coffee with him. But then what do I say during the date when it comes to his parent? How involved do I get? If I don't click with him or want to see him further, how do I turn him down, given that he's already got a LOT going on in his life? At the same time, if I bail now, I'll feel bad because it'll obviously look like I'm bailing because of that. I don't even know how to call off a first date without being an a-hole. I wouldn't want to ghost or vanish. And I feel like an asshole for making this about me and my feelings when really I should be more compassionate about what he's going through. It would be different if I already knew him in person and we had more of a history together, but since we're still strangers and I don't know him enough to know whether I'd like him, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is while not hurting his feelings. Any insights would be appreciated.