Should I (34M) estrange myself from family who (i think) loves me?

Me (34 y/o gay male) 4 brothers and their wives (36-46 y/o) Dad (dead) Mom (64 y/o not dead)

My dad was a youth minister and was very good at his job. He really listened when people spoke to him and had deep connections with several people. Many of my friends looked up to his as a mentor and role model. He had this ability to inspire, connect, and relate to almost everyone he met and really preach with empathy. One of my brother's is an addict and my dad was instrumental in supporting him get clean from heroin.

But being gay was totally different. When I came out it was pretty rough. I remember my dad said "you're a sinner and you will go to hell if you continue this lifestyle."

My sexuality was the big rainbow colored elephant in the room. No one wanted to bring it up except for me. There was this big distance growing between me and my family so one day (I was 18) I said I was going to go to a college orientation, and instead I moved to Chicago (family in the burbs). I didn't reach out to my family, and they didn't reach out either. We didn't speak for about a year, until my mom saw Brokeback Mountain, cried, and called me asking to come home for Christmas.

I remember I fell on some hard financial times (I didn't go to college, tried to live in Chicago working part time at a Starbucks) and needed $200 to cover overdraft fees. I was told no by all my family, most saying they don't have the money, and one brother going so far as saying "yes I have the money but I'm not going to support your sinful lifestyle."

I started dating this guy and after three years he finally starts coming to Holiday's with the family, but he's my "special friend." I had an 12 year old nephew ask me if I was gay in a joking way because his parent's never told him about my sexuality (I responded flatly "yes, I am" and he just went "huh"). I know that some of my nieces and nephews still don't know their uncle is gay. I moved to Texas and I was with my partner for 10 years when gay marriage was legalized. I heard not a peep from my family. Several of my brother's and sister in laws posted on facebook how terrible this was for the country and to pray for the good ol USA. I unfriended them, and we never spoke about it.

My dad officiated the wedding for all my brothers. He and I never talked about marriage to my partner. We got married in a courthouse. My dad then died from cancer, and it hit my mom hard. We can't talk anymore without the end of the world or prophesy coming up.

I went through a messy divorce, none of my family cared. Anytime they talk to me they're asking for money (I worked my way up in retail to a comfortable salary and am the most successful of my family now) or about themselves, and they never ask about my life.

Last 4th of July I saw my family for the first time in 3 years. A brother proceeds to tell me a story about this effeminate man in his WoW guild. Bro calls out his guild mate calling him annoying and "he's allowed to say so because he has a gay little brother and he's not as girly as you."

Now none of them have been outright cruel or abusive (the WoW brother is pretty much a dick though) and I know my mom cares for me very much, but I feel like if they haven't come around to me being gay in 20 years, they never will. I'm not hiding it either. Some of them follow my Instagram which is very, very gay. I'll occasionally get a passive aggressive comment on a thirsty pic, a facebook message saying "we miss you, you should speak to us more." And when I do they'll ask about my job, weather, or anything else that's not related to me being gay.

I've felt like, since they are just close minded and not going out of their way to be hurtful, I should just keep a distance between myself and them, put on a polite face, and move on with my life with sparse contact. But I've been feeling upset by this double standard lately, and I just want to cut them out of my life. I'm happier when I don't hear from them. I know it'll break my mom's heart, and some of my brother's have tried to patch things up (to be fair, they say they're trying to patch things up but I don't see any of their behavior changing) but I feel like enough is enough. They are not a constructive part of my life and have never apologized for the hurt I endured from them growing up.

tl;dr: I'm treated like a big ol gay outcast by my family for 20 years now, so I feel like I'm done being any part of their lives.

Submitted September 29, 2019 at 11:49PM

Me (34 y/o gay male) 4 brothers and their wives (36-46 y/o) Dad (dead) Mom (64 y/o not dead)My dad was a youth minister and was very good at his job. He really listened when people spoke to him and had deep connections with several people. Many of my friends looked up to his as a mentor and role model. He had this ability to inspire, connect, and relate to almost everyone he met and really preach with empathy. One of my brother's is an addict and my dad was instrumental in supporting him get clean from heroin.But being gay was totally different. When I came out it was pretty rough. I remember my dad said "you're a sinner and you will go to hell if you continue this lifestyle."My sexuality was the big rainbow colored elephant in the room. No one wanted to bring it up except for me. There was this big distance growing between me and my family so one day (I was 18) I said I was going to go to a college orientation, and instead I moved to Chicago (family in the burbs). I didn't reach out to my family, and they didn't reach out either. We didn't speak for about a year, until my mom saw Brokeback Mountain, cried, and called me asking to come home for Christmas.I remember I fell on some hard financial times (I didn't go to college, tried to live in Chicago working part time at a Starbucks) and needed $200 to cover overdraft fees. I was told no by all my family, most saying they don't have the money, and one brother going so far as saying "yes I have the money but I'm not going to support your sinful lifestyle."I started dating this guy and after three years he finally starts coming to Holiday's with the family, but he's my "special friend." I had an 12 year old nephew ask me if I was gay in a joking way because his parent's never told him about my sexuality (I responded flatly "yes, I am" and he just went "huh"). I know that some of my nieces and nephews still don't know their uncle is gay. I moved to Texas and I was with my partner for 10 years when gay marriage was legalized. I heard not a peep from my family. Several of my brother's and sister in laws posted on facebook how terrible this was for the country and to pray for the good ol USA. I unfriended them, and we never spoke about it.My dad officiated the wedding for all my brothers. He and I never talked about marriage to my partner. We got married in a courthouse. My dad then died from cancer, and it hit my mom hard. We can't talk anymore without the end of the world or prophesy coming up.I went through a messy divorce, none of my family cared. Anytime they talk to me they're asking for money (I worked my way up in retail to a comfortable salary and am the most successful of my family now) or about themselves, and they never ask about my life.Last 4th of July I saw my family for the first time in 3 years. A brother proceeds to tell me a story about this effeminate man in his WoW guild. Bro calls out his guild mate calling him annoying and "he's allowed to say so because he has a gay little brother and he's not as girly as you."Now none of them have been outright cruel or abusive (the WoW brother is pretty much a dick though) and I know my mom cares for me very much, but I feel like if they haven't come around to me being gay in 20 years, they never will. I'm not hiding it either. Some of them follow my Instagram which is very, very gay. I'll occasionally get a passive aggressive comment on a thirsty pic, a facebook message saying "we miss you, you should speak to us more." And when I do they'll ask about my job, weather, or anything else that's not related to me being gay.I've felt like, since they are just close minded and not going out of their way to be hurtful, I should just keep a distance between myself and them, put on a polite face, and move on with my life with sparse contact. But I've been feeling upset by this double standard lately, and I just want to cut them out of my life. I'm happier when I don't hear from them. I know it'll break my mom's heart, and some of my brother's have tried to patch things up (to be fair, they say they're trying to patch things up but I don't see any of their behavior changing) but I feel like enough is enough. They are not a constructive part of my life and have never apologized for the hurt I endured from them growing up.tl;dr: I'm treated like a big ol gay outcast by my family for 20 years now, so I feel like I'm done being any part of their lives.