My (21F) boyfriend (27M) is still best friends with the guy (25M) who borderline assaulted my best friend (20F).

Hi everyone,

This is something that's been affecting me on and off since it happened and I feel very conflicted about.

This past summer my best friend and I made a trip to visit my boyfriend when we first started dating, since at the time he lived far from me and she was kind enough to make the drive with me. His best friend was going to be in town at the same time coincidentally for work in his military position.

During our visit, my best friend was sleeping in the living room each night. On our last night there, his best friend ends up sleeping over in the living room as well, away from my friend on the couch. The next morning when my friend and I are leaving and driving back home she tells me she's 99% sure my boyfriend's friend touched her/did something to her in her sleep. She half woke up in the night and caught him doing it but fell back asleep as she sleeps like a log, and in the morning found her button down pajama shirt completely undone with the exception of maybe a button or two at the bottom. I was in complete shock, but I immediately believed her and we reported him to the police and his place of work as we drove home because I have complete loyalty to her and honestly fuck that guy. Later it was confirmed because he texted me on his own behalf some kind of narcissistic fucked up apology (which was honestly evidence that was nice to have).

Obviously ever since my friend has been going through her process of healing and recovery from this incident. It's been really hard.

None of us thought to be wary or cautious of the sleeping situation that night since this was his best friend who he thought the world of, who also is in a long term relationship as well. We both trusted him completely.

Boyfriend and his friend both went to my undergrad school together. They have been friends for 7+ years at this point. They've been roommates, through everything together thick and thin. Boyfriend moved away after graduating, but his friend stayed at my undergrad school to continue doing grad school there. We are part of the same social circle and often all go out together. I've known him for a maybe a year and a half. He's actually how I met my boyfriend. He is a generally well renowned and well respected person, everyone loves him. I never thought to doubt his character for a moment, but I see I didn't know him well at all. I've since found out more fucked up shit about him and at this point he just disgusts me.

After this incident I made my boundaries clear, thinking or hearing of this person makes my blood boil. I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. I have my own history of abuse and this incident is just very difficult. I have tried to be understanding that this is still my boyfriend's best friend of many years. I know they're insanely close and I was never sure that it was fair to ask him to cut him out of his life completely. After the incident we fought about it and he cried because he felt he was going to lose him as a friend, it seemed like grief. I knew he was willing to pick me over him even though it was really hurting him. After that I just let it go because I felt bad and I didn't want to control how he dealt with that or push anything. He has stopped talking about him or mentioning him to me altogether per my request, but he unfortunately is still in his life and they're still friends because I never outright asked him not to be. I feel like if it came to that he would end up choosing me, but I just never wanted to be that kind of girlfriend or person. I just want to be fair and I don't know what is.

My boyfriend has only done what I've asked of him and has been respectful of me and my friend. But in this situation I just don't know what's right to ask of him. I can't see myself ever budging on this subject and I feel like eventually it will come to a head. I absolutely don't want him a part of my life, and as long as he's still my boyfriend's friend like this I feel like he just is.

TL;DR

Boyfriend's best friend borderline assaulted my best friend. They're still friends. What do I do?

Submitted September 28, 2019 at 12:16AM

Hi everyone,This is something that's been affecting me on and off since it happened and I feel very conflicted about.This past summer my best friend and I made a trip to visit my boyfriend when we first started dating, since at the time he lived far from me and she was kind enough to make the drive with me. His best friend was going to be in town at the same time coincidentally for work in his military position.During our visit, my best friend was sleeping in the living room each night. On our last night there, his best friend ends up sleeping over in the living room as well, away from my friend on the couch. The next morning when my friend and I are leaving and driving back home she tells me she's 99% sure my boyfriend's friend touched her/did something to her in her sleep. She half woke up in the night and caught him doing it but fell back asleep as she sleeps like a log, and in the morning found her button down pajama shirt completely undone with the exception of maybe a button or two at the bottom. I was in complete shock, but I immediately believed her and we reported him to the police and his place of work as we drove home because I have complete loyalty to her and honestly fuck that guy. Later it was confirmed because he texted me on his own behalf some kind of narcissistic fucked up apology (which was honestly evidence that was nice to have).Obviously ever since my friend has been going through her process of healing and recovery from this incident. It's been really hard.None of us thought to be wary or cautious of the sleeping situation that night since this was his best friend who he thought the world of, who also is in a long term relationship as well. We both trusted him completely.Boyfriend and his friend both went to my undergrad school together. They have been friends for 7+ years at this point. They've been roommates, through everything together thick and thin. Boyfriend moved away after graduating, but his friend stayed at my undergrad school to continue doing grad school there. We are part of the same social circle and often all go out together. I've known him for a maybe a year and a half. He's actually how I met my boyfriend. He is a generally well renowned and well respected person, everyone loves him. I never thought to doubt his character for a moment, but I see I didn't know him well at all. I've since found out more fucked up shit about him and at this point he just disgusts me.After this incident I made my boundaries clear, thinking or hearing of this person makes my blood boil. I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. I have my own history of abuse and this incident is just very difficult. I have tried to be understanding that this is still my boyfriend's best friend of many years. I know they're insanely close and I was never sure that it was fair to ask him to cut him out of his life completely. After the incident we fought about it and he cried because he felt he was going to lose him as a friend, it seemed like grief. I knew he was willing to pick me over him even though it was really hurting him. After that I just let it go because I felt bad and I didn't want to control how he dealt with that or push anything. He has stopped talking about him or mentioning him to me altogether per my request, but he unfortunately is still in his life and they're still friends because I never outright asked him not to be. I feel like if it came to that he would end up choosing me, but I just never wanted to be that kind of girlfriend or person. I just want to be fair and I don't know what is.My boyfriend has only done what I've asked of him and has been respectful of me and my friend. But in this situation I just don't know what's right to ask of him. I can't see myself ever budging on this subject and I feel like eventually it will come to a head. I absolutely don't want him a part of my life, and as long as he's still my boyfriend's friend like this I feel like he just is.TL;DRBoyfriend's best friend borderline assaulted my best friend. They're still friends. What do I do?